Friday, August 06, 2004

The Former VP Wants Me?!?!?

Guess what?!?!? Awaiting me in the mail today is a letter from THE Al Gore. I know it's from him because the return address is "Al Gore." Apparently he's writing to me from the heartlands of South Dakota. Actually, I don't know if South Dakota has any heartlands to speak of but I imagine that if it did and, as is evident, Al Gore was residing or writing to *me* from that state, he would be doing so from the heartlands.

But I digress. So join me fellow reader and read along (Department of Redundancy Department) as we see what this former Presidential Candidate (and former Vice President) wants from me.

(::Sound of me ripping the envelope open:: Btw, I really did receive a letter from THE Al Gore and I'm really opening it at the moment that I type this. Hence the adventurous tone of this post. Ooh! I wonder what's inside!)

Let's see. The first thing I see is a quote from the Senate Republican Leader, U.S. Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN):
If you can only make one more contribution to one of our Republican Senate candidates this election cycle, you should make that gift to John Thune.
Who's John Thune? Good question. I have no clue yet.

Okay, I've read the first page and I still don't know who John Thune is. In fact, the letter thus far hasn't mentioned him again. But it's opening line is riveting:
The man is on a mission.
Ooh! What man??? What mission?!? Where do I sign up?!?!?!

Oh wait. The letter is telling me that Sen. Tom Daschle's race in South Dakota is going to be crucial:
"From the White House on down," reports The Washington Post, the national Republican apparatus "is making his [Daschle's] defeat a piority second only to Bush's reelection." (Their formatting, not mine.)
Oooookay. I'm not a registered Democrat. I'm not a registered Republican, either. (Hehe, had you worried there for a second, didn't I?) Admittedly I should probably register as a Democrat but I don't tow lines. I wonder how I wound up on the mailing list here.

Let's see, the second page of the letter.. and the third (last).. Well, according to these pieces of paper, Tom (may I call you Tom?) is a rather nice fellow who's done nothing but good things.. and who has antagonized untold legions of Republicans and right-wingers into "throw[ing] kitchen sink[s] at [him]."

Darn. I thought THE Al Gore was, y'know, writing to see how I was or ask if he could get his lawnmower back. I didn't think he'd be soliciting money for a senator half way across the country from me. And the worst part? After reading through the 3-page letter, I actually paused for a second and contemplated sending them money. Not because I really like Tom (though I'm sure he's swell). Not because it's THE Al Gore that sent me the letter. No, I paused because this is what crossed my mind in those 10 seconds:
Hah! Like I'm going to send them money--wait. I really don't want to see Bush back. And Bush brought us John Ashcroft. And Ashcroft is the Devil. So maybe if I send them money they'll make Ashcroft go away!!!
Well, that's not quite verbatim but it's pretty darn close. Anyways, I'm not going to send them money. If I could, I'd probably vote for Sen. Daschle but since I can't, too bad. I wish him a lot of luck but I think I should use those $35 a bit more constructively. You know, to pay the rent.. or the electricity bill.. or my credit card bill.. or to buy my law school text books.. or to feed the starving children in Swaziland.. or to buy myself a Hickory Burger at the Wood -n- Tap.. I think I lost my momentum and found my appetite. If you come across the momentum, please drop me a line and we can work out an exchange. Thanks!