Monday, April 28, 2008


Very busy last week working on getting a new (or new used) car. (There are a few stories in there - maybe they'll be posted another time, maybe not.) Ultimately got a great deal on a new '08 so I bought it.

WOOT! A NEW CAR! It's a Pontiac G6 GT coupe. Midnight blue, ebony cloth interior. Sunroof, Monsoon sound system, 6-disc in-dash CD changer, aux jack for my iPod, XM Radio. Almost fully loaded.

I'm happy. I love the car. The ride isn't quite as smooth as my Park Ave. but the acceleration and feel is fantastic. She likes to go fast. She also purrs. I think I've settled on Dani for her name (short for Danica, named after Danica Patrick for no great reason). Was originally thinking "Ford" as a tongue-in-cheek reference to Ford Prefect (Hitchhiker's) and a small bit of satirical nudge-nudge-wink-wink to Ford, but decided that cars, like boats, should have female names. *shrug*

Yay! New car! WOOHOO! Incidentally, this is my first new car. Will try to hunt down, or take, some photos to post. YAY!!!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

April 23

A day of days.

Happy birthday to William Shakespeare!

Not-so-happy death day to William Shakespeare!

Happy birthday to Roy Orbison!

Not-so-happy death day to Miguel de Cervantes!

Happy birthday to Max Planck!

Not-so-happy death day to Saint George!

Happy birthday to James Buchanan!

Not-so-happy death day to William Hartnell!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Week In Brief

This was a rather odd week for me. Very busy. Missed almost 2 days of work due to doctor appointments. Boardgame.girl on Monday. Birthday on Tuesday, complete with a flat tire, a new tire and a small spending spree at the mall. Stayed late on Wednesday (no RPG) before an impromptu gaming session in West Haven. Left early Thursday for doctor then gamed more that night. Full day Friday, gamed that night but longer.

A pretty good week for work - the first good week in a long time. Ever since that Choices post on Monday, I've been doing much better at work. Got a bunch of things out, got some filed, been doing my work. I also feel better about myself. Part of the reason the boardgame.girl non-happening doesn't bother me as much is because I feel better about myself from work. I'm not caught up, not even close, but it's looking much better and I feel incredibly better about it. We'll see what next week brings, but I'm hopeful.

Definitely enjoyed the 4 nights of gaming this week. Had a blast and played a number of new games. Fun, fun, fun!

Saw boardgame.girl tonight at the gaming. I was a little frosty towards her, but that was mostly internally. I usually find it much easier to just have a clean break when things go pear-shaped. Here, I know that's not worth it. Besides, she's into work-induced isolation starting Sunday, so I won't see her for a while. And even then, when I do it will be for boardgames. Time will help.

Next week should be more normal. No birthday, hopefully no flat tires (knock on wood). No gaming Monday, maybe on Tuesday, RPG on Wednesday, hopefully on Thursday, not on Friday, all-day on Saturday, maybe movie.girl on Sunday?

So life goes on and I'm feeling better these days. For some reason, that concept of choices rings true with me and bolsters me. I often feel like I'm buffeted about by things beyond my control when, in fact, it's always been about the choices I make and those I do not. I feel empowered. We'll see how long this lasts, but it's doing me a lot of good right now.

Passover starts Saturday night. Going up to my grandparents, aunt, uncle for the first night's seder. Eh. I'm long overdue for a visit. It'll be nice to see them, I suppose.

I actually enjoy Passover. Maybe it's my masochistic side poking through, but I enjoy it. More on that later, perhaps.

Now, time for a few (3?) hours sleep before an early morning wake up for a 3-4 hour drive/nap. Slumber well!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Hello, Goodbye

Stayed late at work then went to West Haven for boardgames. I wasn't planning on it, but then I called boardgame.girl (to talk re my decision) and she was there and... So, I went there and played 2 games. Afterwards, chatted with her and two others. Walked her to her car. Told her I wanted to be friends. (Ugh, the dreaded "f" word!) And that was that.

We probably won't meet up for a while. Oh, I'll see her on Friday at a game night, but starting Sunday she's in her show schedule. That is, work from 6pm to 11pm, except for all day Saturday & Sunday and not on Mondays. Maybe we'll hang out again a week from Monday. Who knows.

On the whole, I feel good about it. Obviously not my first choice, but it should help clear my head a bit and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I won't waste (too many) cycles thinking on her. Plus, it opens me up again, for whatever that's worth.

Some time I'll post a positive outlook on this sort of non-thing. Honestly, it was a positive experience for me. It's easy to forget things I should not.

Times like this, I'm strongly tempted to be fatalistic. So it goes.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Etc., etc.

Got in to work about 20 min. ago due to various things, including a morning doctor's appointment and a leaking/flat tire that I discovered when I first arrived at work around 1pm. Must get to work now.

One year ago today.

Three years ago today.

Not A Difficult Question

Less than 15 min. after I put up the previous post, I realized that I knew the answer and had known the answer pretty much from the time the question was asked. It just took a bit for me to realize that. I spoke with movie.girl on the ride home afterwards, and, similar to that, the previous post (and possibly this one) was looking for confirmation of my decision.

But no matter that I want confirmation and approval, I don't need it.

The answer is easy, far easier than I let on. I like her too much for (a). I don't want to do (c) if I don't have to. The answer is (b2), as in hang out as friends but less often and with some clear boundaries.

I don't want a non-exclusive relationship with someone I really like. I may not know what I want in life or my career, but I know what I want with relationships. I also feel that it's a little insulting. "I don't want to date you, but you're still good enough for a non-committed relationship." I know that's not the intent, and I don't think I feel it (much), but it is a subtext. And I do enjoy pride - probably not my favorite of the sins, but it's certainly up there.

As for what I expected, I know what I expected. I always did. I wanted to date her until I couldn't. If she was moving away, fine, but until she did I was ready to go out with her, to go with it, and see what happened. I was not, and am not, ready for an open relationship.

Maybe I'm too traditional or conservative or what-not for that sort of thing. I feel that it just doesn't jive with me. And that's the essence of this. Know thyself. And I do, at least at this time, in this respect.

So no, it wasn't a difficult question. The difficulty lay in understanding my answer. Oh I'll be a bit sad over this, but it's also been a positive experience for me. Perhaps more on that another time.

A Difficult Choice?

Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Before, she had texted me that we needed to talk about "things." After a bunch of boardgames, we talked.

She doesn't want something serious or exclusive right now. For the first time in 2 years, she's at the bar hanging out most nights, meeting guys and going out on dates. She said it feels like she's living someone else's life. She's out of here in 2 months and she doesn't know where she's headed after MA.

She wanted me to know this up front so she wouldn't lead me on or such. I told her I appreciated her telling me. I also said that I'd be lying if I said I didn't want something serious. I asked a good question: Would I be fooling myself if I thought it could be exclusive in the future? She didn't know - it depends on if she comes back, but not in the next 2 months. I didn't give her an answer. Instead, I told her I'd need some time. I still kissed her before leaving.

If you're tempted to ask what non-exclusive means, don't. I don't know. I doubt she has a good idea of what it means, though I could easily be wrong.

I'm of 3 minds:
(a) Go with "it" whatever "it" is.

(b) Try to hang out with her as "just friends" and no more.

(c) Sever it. Cut bait and try not to look back.
See, I know what I want. I want a relationship, something serious, something meaningful. I've only been "going out" with boardgame.girl for a few weeks and, to be honest, I haven't fallen as hard as I could. I've tried to keep something in reserve. I didn't have any expectations per se, particularly knowing she's moving away in a while. I figured I'd just ride it out and see what happened.

But I can't have what I want. Not here.

And there's the kicker. I could go with (a) if only I didn't care. If only she was some random girl, someone I'd just met and hadn't already grown to like. Because I do like her for herself. Though she doesn't believe it, she is cool. She's the kind of geek I've been looking for. And I like her. I don't know that I have it in me for (a).

I also know that I don't like (c). I enjoy hanging out with her and playing games and such. It's fun and there's no one else around with whom I can do that, at least for the boardgames if not the more.

I could try (b). I know that the whole time I'd be hoping and/or waiting for her "to come to her senses." But I also know she probably wouldn't. It would be a waste of efforts/hope.

Maybe I do have it in me for (a)? Could I do it without seriously hurting myself in the end?

I have to make a choice this week - let's say by Friday (I'll see her Friday night at boardgaming).

I have more thoughts on this, but it's late and I need to sleep. Please feel free to provide suggestions, thoughts or ideas. I'll put up a birthday post later today.

Monday, April 14, 2008


I was working on a post titled "The End Is Near," but then, after pondering, I realized it's just whining. More griping about work and stress and my mom. That's it. It's not helpful or useful. Writing it isn't going to change anything. It's venting, but not in any capacity that could be construed as productive or positive.

Sometimes venting can be good. You express your feelings and clear the air, and your head. But I have a huge streak in me that likes to vent without concurrently accomplishing anything positive. I like to whine.

So you're not getting that "End" post. Instead, you're getting this one on choice.

I continually forget that I have choices. We all do. I can choose to be miserable and unhappy. I can choose to blame my job or my situation or my lack of motivation. I can choose to be mindless and without direction.

Or I can choose not.

I can choose to find happiness where I can. I can consciously choose to be positive and maintain a positive outlook, to find and see the best instead of the worst. I rarely do so, but that's not the point. The point is that I have a choice and I need to choose.

I am going to make a conscious effort to choose.

I either choose to do my work and catch up, or I choose to find a new job. No more half-assery. Choice.

I either choose to live at home, or I finally clean things up at home and move out, into a place of my own. Choice.

I either choose to eat better and get in shape, or I choose to deal with the consequences. Choice.

Too often, I do something because it is there in front of me. Because it is easy. Because it is "the next step." Because it is convenient. Not because I made a choice, but because I didn't make a choice.
"Begin each day as if it were on purpose!" -- Mary Anne Radmacher
All of the above could be a load of hot air. I am known for having minor epiphanies and promptly not following through on them. Heck, I'm known for not following through on things in general. But that's also symptomatic -- I don't choose and I don't do anything because of that.

So I need to start affirmatively making choices. Now.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Hello Troll Hunters!

Checking stats, let's see... 75 visits today.. 75 VISITS? Well, at least 48 of them were from searches relating to:
"Beloved by humans, envied by trolls." -- Honda (car commercial)
From this old post.

I find it amusing every time my visitor count jumps because of a cultural reference. By far, the biggest one is for Pop Rocks / Rock Toxin, a review I wrote over 3 years ago about an ABC made-for-TV movie starring Gary Cole. I'm in the top 10 of those search results and I know every time they air it 'cause my visitor count jumps sharply.

One of many things that amuses me.

In Brief

Played boardgames last night. Boardgame.girl was there and we played a few games together. I absolutely killed at Glory to Rome.

Going into the city today with my mom to see November, starring Nathan Lane.

Tomorrow, going into work. I'm still horribly behind and I'm not catching up. Hopefully this changes, though it's not looking good. I'm pissing off my bosses again (or still). Wonder if I'll make it to the end of April. (I did say the same thing about March.)

Monday night, meeting up with boardgame.girl. Since that's her day off, the theory is that she can nap during the day and will be well-rested for a change. Looking forward to it.

I'm beginning to wonder if the once-a-week thing isn't so bad after all. Not like I'm doing well at work. Also not like I don't have things outside of work with boardgaming. Moderate amount of activities to do and I probably don't need my week messed up more than it already is.

Eh. Even so, it's not like I wouldn't mind more. Rarely a question for things I really enjoy. More.

Time to run. Food. Then train. Then The City!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Truth In Advertising

(Random title.)

So, last night.

Picked boardgame.girl up around 7:35ish. We went to Joe's American Bar & Grill for food. That was mistake #1 and I really should have known better and been better prepared. Joe's has a horrible atmosphere. Good food, fair prices, but awful atmosphere. It's a wide-open area with wood floors that lets every sound echo and reverberate. Toss in a crying child or two and you have the makings of a quiet, intimate dinner.

I don't think I actually have any other mistakes to number for last night, but "mistake #1" seemed too good to pass up.

Conversation lagged initially. A few times early on, my head spun with: "What should we talk about? What should I say?" I suspect some of that was from us meeting up after equally long days, but who knows. We did find our groove, however, so things went well after that and the conversation was unceasing.

Afterwards, went back to her apartment. Glass of wine while playing three games of Race, two of which I won. She was yawning here & there, not really focused on the game very well. Talked briefly after the third game & then transitioned to the movie, Enchanted.

I'd brought a few different types of "good" movies with me, but it turned out she'd seen half of them already. It was kind of weird that she'd seen half of them in view of her avowed not-much-movie-watching. We figured that either spoke to us having similar tastes in movies or her having good taste in the movies she sees (I lobbied for both).

So, watching the movie on a small TV in her bedroom, sitting on her bed together. She's trying hard not to nod off. About 30 min. in, I suggest we table the movie and she go to sleep. After the second or third time I say that, she agreed. (She was very tired.) Called it a night around 11:45pm.

After last night, I feel pretty unhopeful about this thing. One big reason: Time. She doesn't have any. Tuesday night was her one free night as, for some reason, she has Wednesday off. She'd gone out with friends for most (if not all) of the previous seven nights. Even on Tuesday, after I spoke with her she got two hours sleep, was woken up by a phone call and went out for the night. Every time I've seen her in the past week, she's been tired. Add in that my schedule is a more conventional one (work 8-5:30ish) while hers is usually not (11-5:30pm for rehearsals, 6-1am for shows except for matinee days) and not only is it difficult to find time to meet up, but it's also hard to find a time when we're both awake.

There's also the issue of her future shows. She's only here until June/July. Then she goes up to MA for a run. After that, she's not sure where she'll be. However, last night, she expressed doubt that she'll be back in this area. I didn't respond to her comment at all, choosing instead to simply absorb it and let it wash over me.

So what does any of that mean? In truth, not much. I figure I'll run with this as long as I can. I really like her. We have similar interests and sense of humor. It's fun to hang out with her. I feel like she's someone who I can or do get and whom can or does get me. If it weren't for the time issue, which is pretty much integral to her career, I'd probably be happier and more content. So I'll just see what happens and try not to get too invested (though I'm sure I will anyways). I know she likes me and I'm pretty sure she wishes, to some degree at least, that we could figure this out. I'm just doubtful that there's a good solution.

So, as I have repeatedly stated, we shall see what happens. When's the next time we can meet up? Maybe next Monday? I don't know. All I do know is that I enjoy hanging out with her and we have fun together. Maybe that's what this ends up being.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

A Continuing Saga

Meeting up with boardgame.girl around 7:30. Funny enough, by my current standards that's a relatively "late" time for meeting up... which is incredibly sad. I think the "plan" is as noted yesterday: food + games and/or DVD. I'm sort of hoping we end up watching a movie. We don't talk much while playing Race (concentrating on the game instead) and, though I know we also wouldn't talk much with a DVD, it would be... closer, I think. Closer wouldn't be bad.

A recent comment to this post suggested:
if you do tell her about the blog, i would erase any mention of her from the blog (at least the juicy stuff)
Anyone have further thoughts on this?

I didn't think I was relating anything particularly "juicy." Granted, laying out my view of things is problematic enough (especially given my penchant for idiocy), but I don't think anything I've written so far was out of line. Relatedly, I hate editing (i.e., abridging/censoring) things I've posted. I already have filters on what I write, and I share little enough as it is that excising portions seems unnecessary to me.

However, I've been known to be clueless with things like this, so I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

This morning, I was perusing referrals and noticed that someone got here from a Google search for: what to say to a girl on the phone before a blind date.

Mind you, I really don't have any advice for that. The link to this blog was from my blind date experience back in November '06.

Seemed like an interesting question, so I checked out the search results. The top result was for this page (Just Keep The Change). I poked a bit more about the site and found a host of interesting articles, including ones with dating advice for men. I found them to be rather helpful, particularly as I am admittedly a n00b when it comes to women and dating. I may yet try some of the suggestions tonight. (Seems worth a shot.)

I was born... to dance!

...or at least to listen to dance music.

Today I was listening to an album of dance music I have on my iPod (Fired Up!). I bought the double-disc set because it has a few songs I like, including Madison Avenue's "Don't Call Me Baby," which was a big hit back in 2000 when I was overseas. It also has "Zombie Nation" by Kernkraft 400, among many others.

My foot is tapping along with the beat. I do that a lot. I wonder if it annoys anyone. I try to keep it quiet. I also try to refrain from mouthing the words of the song I'm listening to.

I actually like to dance. Learned that one in college – at frat parties and the biannual semi-formals. Rarely get the chance, though. It's usually easy for me to find the beat and just go with it. Has yet to translate to anything, though, as in meeting women or such. In my overseas traveling, I've been to a few clubs here and there – in York and Florence. Enjoyed them, even if I have trouble tolerating Red Bull (and, by extension, things like VK).

No formal training or practice, so I'm no good for most structured dances. I can passably emulate formal dancing. Not very good at ballroom. No good at jazz or swing. Can muddle through line dancing. Half of it is just confidence – if I were more confident (e.g., from lessons or practice or such), I'd probably be half decent.

I just remembered Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly" – when he gets into dirty dancing with Jennifer Anniston. Heh.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this one. I'll just end it here, knowing that it won't be the top post.

Monday, April 07, 2008

What kept you sane?

The title is a question I saw on an annual survey on someone's blog. (The survey is a meme.)

I was pondering this in the car ride to work this morning and came up with my answer: Music. Music keeps me sane.

I listen to music in the car using my iPod. I sing along with it. It keeps my head busy.

Music can set my mood or influence it. Relaxing music helps me relax. Louder, faster music helps me stay awake and alert. Softer music helps me reflect and slow down.

I listen to music at work on my iPod. Often it helps me focus on my work. Sometimes it detracts, but that usually occurs when the work is thick and difficult.

I listen to music on the weekends, when I get ready in the morning. During the week, I listen to the Z Morning Zoo (Z-100). But on the weekend, my timing is different so I just put in a CD and hit "play" or "shuffle."

Sometimes I listen to music at home when I'm surfing the web. Open up iTunes and hit shuffle. It gives a nice background for concentrating on other things.

I don't buy that much music for the amount I listen to. I buy an album or two every now and then, but it's on the order of 1-2 dozen per year. I always have a current, preferred set of albums in rotation. That's how I usually listen to music on my iPod, by album. Sometimes I select a particular song, though, and some albums I only have one song (from iTunes).

I also use iTunes to look for new music, listening to other artists and groups they categorize with ones I know and like. For example, I found Lacuna Coil from Evanescence.

There are a handful of albums that I would like to buy. One day I'll order them from Amazon. One day...

I would be apt to choose something else as keeping me sane, such as TV or movies or boardgames or games in general, except all of those have concomitant downsides. For me, music does not have a downside. I don't just sit and listen to music, I listen to music while I do other things, including work, drive and think.

I think music is my lifeline. It is happiness and sadness, old and new, vibrant and melancholy, dreams and death. It describes feelings I've had and ones I haven't and a myriad host of in-betweens that pluck at my heartstrings in different ways. Music reflects my mood and is my mood and makes my mood but rarely causes my mood. Music is powerful. It tells stories I enjoy and ones I hate and other times it just sits there and serves as a counterpoint to the world. It doesn't forsake me or forget me or make time for me. Music is always playing. Music is an undercurrent to my being.

Music keeps me sane.

I need to be better at this.

Texts with boardgame.girl:
Me: I didn't have any specific plans for Tues. Easy ideas include food or gaming or a dvd (if your place is ok for that) or some combination thereof. Thoughts?

Her: Some combination thereof? Food then gaming and/or DVD at my place? I definitely need some race.

Me: Sounds good to me! Far be it for me to say no to Race.
And yet another reason I like this girl.

I'm looking at the previous sentence and trying to figure out why it makes sense to me. I suggested three somewhat prosaic options, none of them terribly inspiring. Her response was along the lines of "works for me" with a "hey, let's play that game we both love and are addicted to."

Maybe that's it. I suggested three easy choices and they're fine with her. Plus, she's a gamer and wants to game. I may need to be better at this, where "this" means finding things for us to do, but then the easy things I suggest, the ones I'd like to do, are good ones for her too.

Noisy Patent Application

This morning I was making noises for a patent application I'm writing. The noises differentiate between injection molding and extrusion molding. I could explain more but then I would have to kill you.

Do I tell her about my blog yet?

"Hey, how's it going? Good to see you. By the way, I found your blog... and your MySpace page... and fyi, I have a blog of my own." I have a picture of all the color draining from her face, while mine turns beet-red. It's not a pretty image.

No, not yet I think. Soon, sometime, but not yet.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Another Sunday

I'm feeling somewhat relaxed today. Didn't go into work. Restless sleep overnight because I brought the dog upstairs with me. Slept in. Went for a 30 min. walk in the neighborhood. Hung out at a Starbucks, reading graphic novels and waiting for boardgame.girl to call. (Cell reception at home is rotten and I was expecting her call.)

Around 6:15, I called her. She'd just gotten out of work and was very tired - going back to her apt., probably to sleep. Hence, nothing happening today. We're planning on Tuesday night for something.

If she'd given some reason other than sleep, I think I would have pushed. But if it's sleep/being tired, I won't touch it. That's not something I'll push back on.

At this point, I think I have to be patient. Which is very difficult for me. Very difficult. (How am I supposed to have a torrid affair with her if we never meet up?) I don't think I'm naturally very patient. It's something I have to consciously force on myself. I can distract myself with books and/or other entertainment, but I have to try to pull myself back and force myself to play nice and pause.

So I think I have to practice patience here, too. It's sounding like her schedule really is pretty busy and trying. I can't add more stress to that, I have to help her de-stress from it. I suppose "relax" would have made more sense, but you get my drift.

But it's hard. I always want to rush things. It was easy to do that in college. I got in trouble for rushing things in law school. And now, I don't see that I have much of a choice. Be patient. Motto for the instant.

I was actually thinking that today wouldn't happen. That she'd call me, or I'd call her, and she'd be too tired/worn for anything. But I hoped not. I always hope. I'm a hopeful pessimist. (Good luck deciphering that one.) Plan for the worst, hope for the best? Though one of my favorite quotes is: "If you're going after Moby-Dick, bring along the tartar sauce."

So I'm hoping that we meet up Tuesday night. If that one also falls through, I think I'll have to say something. I'm sort of anticipating that it'll be another non-happening. But she's supposedly planning on it and it's supposedly a "good" night for us to meet up, so hope isn't dead. Yet.

I guess I was a spaz and an idiot this week, but it may not have been as ill-founded as I thought. It may be that we only get to meet up once a week or so. Slow but ongoing? *shrug* Time will tell.

I have this thing where if I want something bad enough, I'll find a way. I'll make time for it. I'll do it and not look back. I'm not sure how other people don't play by the same rules. But then maybe she really doesn't have any more time for me right now. Patience. Patience. *sigh* Patience.

ADDENDUM: Forgot to mention that I briefly met up with movie.girl on Saturday as she was passing nearby. Very brief lunch.

Incidentally, I'm more maudlin tonight. Probably a little down from the non-meet up. And a little tired. And a little not looking forward to another work week. And a little bleh. For whatever reason, Sundays engender introspection for me. Not always a good thing, particularly since the future looks rather uncertain these days.

I think I also forgot to mention that sometime this week, in speaking with our accountant (a very helpful cousin of ours), my mom was told that selling the house is not a great idea nowadays. As long as I keep living at home and cutting my mom a check every month, she can afford the house and wait things out. Provides a disincentive for me to move out - as though I needed one. So I still live at home.

Yeah, I better stop this. It's going down when it should not. Time for some light reading before bed, methinks. [9:47 PM]

It's official.

I'm an idiot. (Or a spaz, take your pick.)

Yeah, nothing's wrong - it's all in my head. Saw her at boardgames tonight. We talked briefly afterwards (around midnight-ish) and then kissed in the parking lot of the comic store for a minute or two. We might do something tomorrow night but, if not, then on Tuesday night. We shall see. She was pretty sleep-deprived tonight from a late Friday night.

I'm wondering if she's not as bad at this thing as I am.


So, uhh... I was reading some of her blog archives and I saw mention of a myspace page. She doesn't update that either, not more than about once a month, at any rate. But it looks slightly more current than the other one.

ANYWAYS, it looks like my head was just a little off on this one. Time for some sleep, maybe work tomorrow. If I don't hear from her, I'm going to call her and suggest we meet up for something relaxing or low-key. Even if it's a short something, just.. something. Maybe to get a coffee and chill? I dunno. But something.

I think I may be learning that I have to take more of a charge in this thing. I haven't before, mostly because they just happened and I didn't really have to. But I may have to push this a bit. If her schedule is always crazy and insane, I may have to push for an attempt to better fit into it. Hmmm.

Sleep now-ish.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Two Phone Calls Later...

So, ummm... I think I may be a bit of a spaz. (Just a bit.)

Spoke with boardgame.girl earlier tonight and we're doing something on Sunday. Don't know what or when, but something. We're going to hash out details tomorrow at the Saturday boardgaming.

I've had 2 phone calls with her so far and they've both been a little.. weird. First one was very abrupt. Second one was better but still.. odd. I really have no idea why. We did talk boardgames for +20 min. so it wasn't abrupt or mindless, per se. It just had a strange tone to it, perhaps? Very hard to describe.

Oh, I spoke with movie.girl right after and we're meeting up for lunch since she's passing nearby. Will make me a little late for my gaming, but eh. Haven't seen her in... a month or so?

Incidentally, I spoke with her earlier this week on Monday, as I drove to meet up with boardgame.girl. I also called her Monday night/Tuesday morning, all excited about kissing boardgame.girl. It's kind of funny, but she's a good friend... as long as we don't take a road trip in her car.

Bad week for work, but whatever. At some point, it'll get bad enough that I either leave or they let me go. Not there yet and I'm tempted to ride it as long as I can. They keep paying me, I'll keep showing up and try to fix things. In the meantime, I'll save up some money for when things do go South and complain unceasingly about my predicament. Sounds reasonable to me.

ANYWAYS. Lunch & lots of gaming tomorrow. Something with boardgame.girl on Sunday. Not too bad. Sounds like a fun weekend to me!

Too Much

While in my Rusted Root groove, I'm currently listening to "Too Much" from Welcome To My Party.

Such an excellent song. Upbeat and medium tempo but very calming and relaxing:
love before
you sleep
let your mind believe
that we
can cope
with all life hands us
and breathe
in deep
the strength you need
to fill you up
and calm
your mind
just like
I keep telling you

it's too much thinking
it's too much worrying
rest your head aside me now
it's too much thinking
upon your shoulders
rest your worried soul
upon me now
Easily one of my favorites from Rusted Root. The song just helps me relax and calm down.

Rusted Root Mood

It's rainy outside and I'm in a Rusted Root mood. Long ago, I saw them in concert at my college. Amazing performance! I remember the concert being very lively and knowing each and every song they played. Four encores. They were wonderful!

Before the concert, I sat down with my roommate and went through the Rusted Root music I had, guessing which songs would be played and giving him a general feel for the music. I was spot on in my predictions. I don't know how helpful it was for him or if he enjoyed the pre-show sampling, but I greatly appreciated the opportunity to share music with him. (Thank you, MaTT!)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Welcome to the Monkey House

Taken from the title of a Vonnegut short story of the same name.

This morning: Meeting for us associates and the Jr. partner re workload update. I updated my tally. Managed to cross a few things off in the past 2 weeks. Also managed to add more items than I crossed off. Not good.

This afternoon: Cake and celebration of April birthdays, mine included. Cake is good. (The cake is a lie!)

Tonight: More boardgames but with a new group. It's an invite-only affair. I was invited by a guy I've met through other, open groups. Should be fun.


This morning's meeting was... not very peppy. Now, I know these meetings are to keep the Jr. partner appraised of where us associates are at and how we're doing managing our workload, but they're also depressing as Hell.

Afterwards, the Jr. partner stopped by my office and, separately, by a friendly co-worker's office. We were both informed that unless we stop spending time talking with one another and get caught up, one of us would be moved to the other hallway.

Yes, we talk too much. We have the same interests – sci fi, boardgames, books, graphic novels, movies, etc. We're friends. Heck, this is the guy who got me into boardgames in the first place. But we're also both in trouble at work and pretty not happy with the current workload. If there were ever a way to motivate us, that wasn't it. I swear that there's a way to say the same thing and have a similar effect but without making it highly negative.

Really brought down the mood. We pretty much didn't talk at lunch, either.



Last night, in my various car-drivings, I pondered a scenario where I tell boardgame.girl that I found her blog. Reminded me of that class at the end of law school where the professor told the whole class about my blog (without identifying me or stating that it was a student's blog, though). I wonder if she would feel a similar initial rush of heart-stopping panic. Or maybe she'd be cooler with it than I was.

If/when (because it's more of a "when" than an "if," assuming things work out) I tell boardgame.girl that I found her blog, I would also tell her that I have a blog. I really am all about being forthright and honest with this gal. (Though I may delay said forthrightness a bit, for the blog revelation I mean.)

Today I'm also feeling more positive about the whole thing. Ironically, the renewed positivity appears to stem from the lack of communication. Funny but true.

I'm trying to figure out why I should call her tomorrow (on Friday). I would like to, if for no other reason than to provide some indication of my continuing interest, but I do need a reason for calling her... and I'm having trouble coming up with one. I know I'm going to see her on Saturday (or at least I know she's planning on coming to the Sat. boardgames), so there's little reason to call and attempt to plan something more at this time. Could just call to see how her week has been. Like I've said before, I'm rotten at this.

It's also easier to be positive about her since I'm fairly negative about work today. The two have no real connection, but it seems as though there is an inverse relation. If I'm worrying about work, I don't have much leftover worrying for the situation with her.


Apparently, some people think that I need a work dominatrix. I have no problem with this.


This afternoon's birthday celebration feels hollow. I'm not in a good mood. I'm not doing well at work. I'm just not at a place to enjoy cake this afternoon. Yet, I will try to act happy and smile and say "thank you" and feast on tasty, sugary goodness. I have no choice. I must. (It is a difficult burden.)

Sometimes someone at work will ask me how I'm doing. These days I usually reply with a monosyllabic grunt of some denomination that reflects the merest iota of my current state. Occasionally I'll also make a face in conjunction with said monosyllabic grunt. Surprisingly, this counts as a valid response to their question.


Filed a continuation that was sort of due today. (Filed it in lieu of a RCE at the 6 mo. date of a Final OA for which the Examiner has assured a Notice of Allowance that is "stuck in processing.")

*whew* That's a mouthful.

ANYWAYS, I skimmed over some advice and comments at my favorite dating blog and had two interesting thoughts. The first was that she could be waiting for me to call her (and possibly wondering why I haven't). The second was that she could just not want to go out with me and hasn't told me yet.

As to the first, her canceling Tuesday night runs slightly counter to that. Even so, she may very well have been too tired for anything that night. As to the second, ummm, how should I know? The lack of communication doesn't really weigh in for one side or the other, as far as I can tell.

That's one area that I've been horrible at interpreting before – when to pursue and when not and how to pursue. Occasionally it's very easy, other times it's rather difficult.


Bleh. I'll quote Eva here:
In the dating world where some of us feel that there are too few victories and high points and so many disappointments, I think that a great date does mean something, and I think it means something that doesn’t need to be dismissed even if the outcome isn’t what we desire. I think a great date means that two people, at the very least, have good manners. It means that they value making people feel good and they enjoy having a good time. It may even mean that two genuinely good people have had the opportunity to meet each other. I agree that what a great date doesn’t mean is that there is a mutual connection, a mutual desire for a second date or a long term relationship. It just means that two people shared a pleasant time together. How can that ever be a bad thing? I haven’t always felt this way, but I’m now thankful for a fun date even if I never see the guy again. I just know that one day when that fun date turns into something more, I’ll be ready for it.


And that was today's installment. Maybe I should call her tonight? And schedule is another "thing." I know she's working these days until 7-8pm, so I wouldn't call her cell until 8-ish. Sheesh.

If there isn't a big, blinking neon sign staring me in the face, I may be useless here. (And I may be useless, even if there is a big, blinking neon sign staring me in the face.)

I'll call her tomorrow night. Maybe. Yes. No. Maybe. Ugh.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Meandering Mind

Boss stopped by my office this morning and gave me a mild rebuking. As such, and in response thereto, I am actually working a bit today. I think I respond better to sticks than carrots. Unfortunately, I cannot ask for, nor should I proactively seek, such motivating impetus from my employers.


Terribly bored while reading about power offsets and my brain suddenly jumps track, contemplating boardgame.girl, spinning into "Gee, I wonder what's going to happen." Part of me is anticipating "the worst," waiting for a Dear John e-mail from her. The extremely brief phone call last night did not provide much reassurance in combination with its negative.

Reminds me ever so briefly of the breakup with lawschool.girl, where I knew it was over at least 3 days before we met and declared it dead. I spent each of those nights at the local pub, drinking myself drunk with a different friend. The only good part concerning the intermediate period was that by the time I met up with her, I was ready to discuss the matter unemotionally.

I don't anticipate the same occurring here. I don't expect that things are already over before they've had a chance to begin. But I can't help but contemplate such. My mind naturally considers different viewpoints and potential directions for the future. Give me a scenario and I will instantly ponder the potential outcomes and choices available. My musings range from light to dark, though I tend to dwell on the dark more than the light, perhaps.


For what it's worth, most of the posts these days are written over a span of hours, hence their length and breadth (and randomness). The thoughts are in (general) sequential order.


I just realized that boardgame.girl could locate this blog without too much trouble. Tangentially, by way of a boardgame group's organizational website and the e-mail address I used there, she could arrive here.

Uh oh.

Ummm... well, if she does and I learn of it, so be it.

I just checked and, as far as I can tell, she hasn't found it yet. I'm going to blithely continue with my thoughts and descriptions, at least for the time being. I already would not reveal anything intimate or that I otherwise suspect she would not want to be revealed. If she arrives and finds my thoughts laid bare, whatever. I think I would share them with her regardless if she ever asked.

That's one thing. I've been more honest with her in the brief time I've known her than I am with most other people, including some friends. I haven't hidden anything or otherwise held back. I've been myself and I believe that's been a good thing.


I look at my cell phone to see if I've missed any calls or text messages, fold it up and put it away.


Have I mentioned before how I'm occasionally prone to such mood swings? High to low, low to high.

Instead of wondering and worrying, both activities which I often enjoy and pursue, I could chose to be positive and upbeat about the whole thing. I really could. This is where my suspicion of negative/darker tendencies may bear out.


I am having a terribly difficult time finishing up these stupid claim amendments. I really, really find the instant work to be boring. My brain hurts from the inanity. I'm trying to finish it, to just do the work, but it's painful.

Don't surf boardgamegeek. Don't check your e-mail again. Don't click over to another website and see if there are new replies. Stop typing this post. Go. Do. Your. Work.


Finished it. Sent the e-mail. *whew*


About 10-20 min. ago, I had a flash of insight. I thought: "Well, if there's a chance for boardgame.girl to find my blog in that manner, I wonder what I can find in reverse." Guess what -- I found her blog!

She hasn't been regularly posting there, at least in 2008, but I found it. Well, technically I found both her old blog and her current blog. I didn't go beyond the front page of either because I realized that, if she's anything like me, she has the capability of obtaining stats for her blog(s) and could potentially determine (for herself) that I found her blog(s).

That sounds a little hard to follow. Let me try again: If she were to check, and assuming she has similar capabilities as me, she can already determine that I found her blog (though said determination would involve a little digging on her part). So I don't want to dig around her blog more right now and make such discovery further evident or apparent.

But wow. Talk about putting your money where your mouth is. (I think that's the right expression?) My first reaction was literally: "Oh shit! There's a good chance she'll find my blog!" Followed by: "I better pull those posts I wrote and apologize for the editing." Then I thought: "But wait. In today's unpublished ravings, I wrote that I would be okay with her reading this. Am I? If so, the posts stay up."

And I am. I'm okay with it. I don't write anything here that I wouldn't otherwise want associated with me. That's my filter.

So I'm going to leave things where they lie. I'm a bit antsy about it, but if she finds this place, so be it. It should prove that I'm just as crazy human as she is (judging from some of her old posts, hehe).

But wow. That's an unexpected jolt of reality and perspective. Must remember for the future. I write things and people can read them. It's easy to forget how ubiquitous the Internet has become and how everything is interconnected. I assume certain people haven't read what I post here. I cannot safely make assumptions like that, certainly not with anyone intelligent and/or computer-savvy (both of which, ostensibly, boardgame.girl is, not to mention cute, witty and charming -- just to cover my bases in case she reads this).



Tuesday, April 01, 2008


So boardgame.girl called me at 7:45pm, when she got out of her meeting. She's tired so no meeting up tonight. We'll talk later this week. She'll be at the Saturday gaming.

This is where my insanity starts to shine. See, paranoia is wont to set in with thoughts like "maybe something's wrong" or "maybe she doesn't want to see me" or "this thing's already gone South."

I got her call while I was sitting in a Starbucks, drinking coffee and reading a book, waiting for her to call. Those were my first thoughts. Shit. Is this non-thing already a non-happening?

But then, as I drove home by way of the mall (had to snag Sweeney Todd, which came out today), I thought to myself: "Wait just a second. She was into me last night. I know that. From the conversation, her body language, her smile. I have no regrets about anything I said or did last night. I went for it and it worked." I smiled to myself. "Even if this did go South, I did nothing wrong and I have no regrets." If anything is wrong, it's on her end.

Maybe she's just tired. I certainly am. It's been 4 nights in a row of minimal sleep (5-6 hours per night). Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Get some sleep. Let this marinate. The ball is in her court. I know what I want here. I may not know where my career is going, but I know what I want here. With no reservations, few if any doubts, I know.

I also know that some of the above sounds like transference - "it's not me, it's her" - but I honestly believe that. I'm game for this. For the first time in a long time, I'm ready.

That's something else. It happened with the lawschoolgirl (whom I briefly dated for 5-6 weeks during my second year of law school) - I tumbled fast and was too insistent, too ready. If and when I fall, I fall. No pause, no parachute, I fall. With lawschoolgirl, it was.. too much for her. I was ready to spend time with her, to make it something immediately, and she wasn't. Not at all. She needed her space and I could not brook that.

I don't think that's a big issue here. There's lots of space. But then again, tonight would have been the third night in a row. (It sort of just happened like that.) I dunno.

So we'll see what happens. I have gaming on Wednesday and Thursday, and I believe she has meetings or some such those nights. I'll either wait for her to call or I'll call her on Friday, see how her week went? I dunno. I'm bad at starts and I'm even worse at the middlings, the indeterminate periods. Ah Hell, I'm bad at all of this crap. We shall see what we shall see.

How Do I Fix My Head OR Reality is relative. (Who Will Save Us Now)

Was listening to the album 'The Needles The Space' from Straylight Run. Loving it as always.

Head's a little wonky from last night. A bit tired. We had some Korean attorneys visiting today, an unusual occurrence.

Happy April Fool's Day!

More Notes

Re: last night

It was very lightly drizzling out. Around 12:20 am-ish. The world collapsed to the moment. Lasted around 15-30 sec. or so? (Not that brief.) After, looked at each other and said "goodnight."

When I said what I did, she was taken completely off guard. Surprise evident on her face. Closely (only a second or two?) followed by a "yes," after which we approached each other.

In 21, there's a scene where, sitting next to Kate Bosworth on the subway (Boston), the main character (Jim Sturgess) leans in to kiss her and she's surprised, taken back and declines. With that in mind (for some reason), I didn't want to just try the "lean in" at her door. Not sure I like that technique (a la Hitch) nor did I want to put her in that position (per se). So I went for courage instead. Not sure where I found the courage. I just sort of blurted it out when we had nothing left to say to each other.

But it worked. It was weird and brave, and unusual I think, but it worked. She knows I can be very random. Around her, I tend to be wry and witty and observationally random. Sometimes she chimes in, sometimes she laughs.

The signs. We were chatting a little outside her building while it very lightly drizzled (a bit more than misting). She didn't make a quick move to go in. She paused, first to talk and then at the brief pause that I jumped on. Had her keys in hand. But paused. Not sure what she was expecting me to do, if anything. Maybe.. well, maybe she was consciously or unconsciously creating an opportunity for me, e.g., for a "lean in" or for something akin to what I said? But she was visibly surprised. Hmmm.

The lead up was me driving us back to her apt. I did a u-turn and pulled up at the curb in front of her door (maybe 10' from her door). I said that I'd walk her to her door and turned off the car. (She made some comment about getting mugged or such in the distance from the car to her door.) She must have known that I would "try" something. Maybe that was why she paused? Not expecting me to do what I did exactly, but knew I would do something?

I'm in like at the moment. Not obsessing. Not imagining. One interesting point is that her location is very fluid. Come July, she's moving to MA for a production. Thereafter her whereabouts are currently unknown. She has choices, including Indiana and Stamford, so she may or may not come back to the area. Undecided as yet. She's been very up front about that and the fact that she moves around a lot, from theatre to theatre, show to show. The Stamford gig was relatively longer, lasting about a year. Me, I'm just taking this as it goes. We'll see what happens in the future, but I'm not worrying about it yet.

Was questioning whether to post this publicly or leave as a draft (such that it would be unavailable to the public but I could read it). Decided to post publicly. Will not remain as the top post on the page. I think the above comments are interesting and lay out more context for things. Not terribly dangerous. Private but not inherently so and not really telling of much beyond my impressions. If things progress further, you can expect such to not be detailed here.


Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Food + much conversation followed by a movie (21). Afterwards, dro--oh Hell, we kissed! (Yay!) At her door (walked her to it), after some chatting. I was all suave with "So is this the part where I get to kiss you?" Caught her off guard (completely), but I was confident I was reading the signs correctly (thank you Hitch). She said "yes" and then we kissed. A goodnight kiss but not a peck. Not nothing but something.

She's going to call me tomorrow night when she's done with her meeting. Tentative plan to meet up for boardgames.

I really need to watch expenditures with her, though. She says and is a starving artist. I covered most of tonight's expenses (food, drinks at movie theater) and let her get the tickets (she offered), but I realized afterwards comparatively how much that cost her. That was why I offered boardgames for tomorrow - no expense. Can't go out every time. Fortunately we can play games.

And kiss! Incidentally, that would be my first kiss in.. over 4 years? Yeah.

Oh, in our dinner conversation I told her that I live at home and why. It felt like the right time and I wanted her to know that before anything happened. Friends have told me to get the girl to fall for me before I tell her and, well, I think this was pretty close to that.

Is it a bit sad that I'm blogging this before I go to sleep? Don't answer that.

Yay! And that's all I have to say about that.