Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Meandering Mind

Boss stopped by my office this morning and gave me a mild rebuking. As such, and in response thereto, I am actually working a bit today. I think I respond better to sticks than carrots. Unfortunately, I cannot ask for, nor should I proactively seek, such motivating impetus from my employers.


Terribly bored while reading about power offsets and my brain suddenly jumps track, contemplating boardgame.girl, spinning into "Gee, I wonder what's going to happen." Part of me is anticipating "the worst," waiting for a Dear John e-mail from her. The extremely brief phone call last night did not provide much reassurance in combination with its negative.

Reminds me ever so briefly of the breakup with lawschool.girl, where I knew it was over at least 3 days before we met and declared it dead. I spent each of those nights at the local pub, drinking myself drunk with a different friend. The only good part concerning the intermediate period was that by the time I met up with her, I was ready to discuss the matter unemotionally.

I don't anticipate the same occurring here. I don't expect that things are already over before they've had a chance to begin. But I can't help but contemplate such. My mind naturally considers different viewpoints and potential directions for the future. Give me a scenario and I will instantly ponder the potential outcomes and choices available. My musings range from light to dark, though I tend to dwell on the dark more than the light, perhaps.


For what it's worth, most of the posts these days are written over a span of hours, hence their length and breadth (and randomness). The thoughts are in (general) sequential order.


I just realized that boardgame.girl could locate this blog without too much trouble. Tangentially, by way of a boardgame group's organizational website and the e-mail address I used there, she could arrive here.

Uh oh.

Ummm... well, if she does and I learn of it, so be it.

I just checked and, as far as I can tell, she hasn't found it yet. I'm going to blithely continue with my thoughts and descriptions, at least for the time being. I already would not reveal anything intimate or that I otherwise suspect she would not want to be revealed. If she arrives and finds my thoughts laid bare, whatever. I think I would share them with her regardless if she ever asked.

That's one thing. I've been more honest with her in the brief time I've known her than I am with most other people, including some friends. I haven't hidden anything or otherwise held back. I've been myself and I believe that's been a good thing.


I look at my cell phone to see if I've missed any calls or text messages, fold it up and put it away.


Have I mentioned before how I'm occasionally prone to such mood swings? High to low, low to high.

Instead of wondering and worrying, both activities which I often enjoy and pursue, I could chose to be positive and upbeat about the whole thing. I really could. This is where my suspicion of negative/darker tendencies may bear out.


I am having a terribly difficult time finishing up these stupid claim amendments. I really, really find the instant work to be boring. My brain hurts from the inanity. I'm trying to finish it, to just do the work, but it's painful.

Don't surf boardgamegeek. Don't check your e-mail again. Don't click over to another website and see if there are new replies. Stop typing this post. Go. Do. Your. Work.


Finished it. Sent the e-mail. *whew*


About 10-20 min. ago, I had a flash of insight. I thought: "Well, if there's a chance for boardgame.girl to find my blog in that manner, I wonder what I can find in reverse." Guess what -- I found her blog!

She hasn't been regularly posting there, at least in 2008, but I found it. Well, technically I found both her old blog and her current blog. I didn't go beyond the front page of either because I realized that, if she's anything like me, she has the capability of obtaining stats for her blog(s) and could potentially determine (for herself) that I found her blog(s).

That sounds a little hard to follow. Let me try again: If she were to check, and assuming she has similar capabilities as me, she can already determine that I found her blog (though said determination would involve a little digging on her part). So I don't want to dig around her blog more right now and make such discovery further evident or apparent.

But wow. Talk about putting your money where your mouth is. (I think that's the right expression?) My first reaction was literally: "Oh shit! There's a good chance she'll find my blog!" Followed by: "I better pull those posts I wrote and apologize for the editing." Then I thought: "But wait. In today's unpublished ravings, I wrote that I would be okay with her reading this. Am I? If so, the posts stay up."

And I am. I'm okay with it. I don't write anything here that I wouldn't otherwise want associated with me. That's my filter.

So I'm going to leave things where they lie. I'm a bit antsy about it, but if she finds this place, so be it. It should prove that I'm just as crazy human as she is (judging from some of her old posts, hehe).

But wow. That's an unexpected jolt of reality and perspective. Must remember for the future. I write things and people can read them. It's easy to forget how ubiquitous the Internet has become and how everything is interconnected. I assume certain people haven't read what I post here. I cannot safely make assumptions like that, certainly not with anyone intelligent and/or computer-savvy (both of which, ostensibly, boardgame.girl is, not to mention cute, witty and charming -- just to cover my bases in case she reads this).