Disconnect

So, I'm currently writing from Amsterdam, towards the end of our whirlwind tour-de-force (movie.girl & I). More on the trip in a later post, when I get back stateside. This one is about the moment/tonight.

See, movie.girl and I have this certain disconnect which led to a minor disagreement this eve.

She's pissed at me for being me. That is, for being relatively quiet, somber, and not upbeat. She's annoyed because she's the upbeat one, here to entertain me and begin conversations because otherwise I remain stoic and uncommunicative.

As for my part, I'm annoyed with her, though I have yet to voice this to her this trip. She's always right, I'm always wrong, she can do no wrong and I can do no right. I let her lead because if I don't then I'm wrong and she will lead anyways. She cannot, will not and/or is unable to relinquish control to anyone (she & I have talked on this before) and, therefore, I relinquish control to her as that just saves time and hassle in the long run.

Admittedly, I am quiet and stoic and prone to reflection as opposed to outburst or discourse. In contrast, any view point that differs or diverges from hers is wrong. She simply cannot understand or appreciate it.

We went on a tour of Anne Frank's house tonight. Afterwards, she asked my reaction. I don't really have one. Museums like that don't really mean so much to me because they serve better as monuments to symbols, symbols that have a greater force and effect than the museum can ever aspire to. They're shadows of greatness or horror, cast upon a future time to echo.

I tried to tell her some of this and she mocked me. So I asked her what it meant to her. She gave me her answer, and I tried to explain that these museums don't mean as much to me as the family tree I have that shows those relatives lost to the concentration camps.

And she mocked me again.

So my voice rose a bit and I became impassioned/angry/annoyed and she in turn became pissed with me.

I can't talk with her about anything meaningful because if my opinion or viewpoint is different then she cannot appreciate it and discounts it.

Disconnect.

So I'm typing this in the business center of our swanky hotel (it really is quite nice) at 7:45pm (local time) because I don't want to stay in the hotel room with her. She'll never understand me and she doesn't want to try. It's all about her and what she has to do and what people and things mean in relation to her.

And I can't say any of this to her face because she would disagree and fire back and not listen. She can't hear me speak. So I'll take the ultimate passive-aggressive move and write a post about it.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. Find somewhere to sit and drink (tea, beer, alcohol, whatever) and read my book. A Tuesday night in Amsterdam, halfway across the world, and I'm not sure where to go. Maybe I'll go see Rembrandt Square. *shrug*

Disconnect.

Intermission

We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsors.

Tomorrow, I leave for a 10-day vacation. movie.girl and I are headed to Europe! On the menu: Cardiff, (Liverpool), York, Stratford-upon-Avon (SuA), Brussels and Amsterdam.

The focus of the trip is David Tennant's performances with the RSC at SuA, Hamlet and Love's Labour's Lost. In Cardiff, we plan on hitting the Doctor Who Exhibition. In Liverpool, we dine with an acquaintance of movie.girl's. In York, we dine at Betty's. In SuA, we mob David Tennant and wave at Patrick Stewart. In Brussels, we pause. And in Amsterdam.. well, who knows what will transpire in the city of excess.

I'm already looking forward to two weeks of no work. Feeling freer than I have in a long time. My first international trip in about 3 years. Can't wait to go back to York. Betty's! The Minster! Looking forward to seeing David Tennant. Also meeting up with a British attorney in London, just for lunch and drinks. So much to see and do. Cannot wait.

Haven't packed yet. Not going to start right yet. I always pack at the last second. Such a bad idea but hey.

Can't believe we're flying out tomorrow.

In any case, I'll be AWOL for a while. The Actuary's wedding is *right* after we get back. I'm a groomsman for that. Should be lots of fun.

See you on the other side! (Unless I post an update from the road.)

The Fit and The Shan

Yesterday, the fit hit the proverbial shan at work (though I suppose the fit is also proverbial). I'd overslept for no good reason, finally arriving at work around 11:15am only to rediscover that the fax/item I should have responded to last week (or the week before that or the week before the week before that) finally made its way to the ears of my boss.

So not good.

Yeah, in a lot of trouble. Way behind on many, many things. Very ugly.

Good parts: I'm still here. I finally went through my office and now know what I have to get done. I did some things yesterday. I'm doing more today. Things may be improving. No one actually yelled at me very much.

It always fascinates me how, even when you turn the corner (assuming I have indeed turned a proverbial corner), things have to get worse before they get better. There is no magic shortcut to go from bad to good. It's always a progression that undoubtedly dips into "worse" before turning upwards towards "better." I wonder why that is.

When is a movie poster not a movie poster?

When the MPAA says so. Kevin Smith's response is dead on, though.

Political Thoughts

Though I have strong feelings on politics and politicians, I'm not particularly well-informed so my passing interest isn't sustained and my dabblings don't extend to any great depth. Even so, I enjoy reading the occasional article or blog post.

Lately, the big discussion topic, of course, is McCain's selection of Palin as his VP running mate. I routinely feel as though many of the discussions miss the mark, however, since they're often focused on the superficial aspects and rarely delve into policy. Yes, she's a woman, and yes, she may have the odd position askew from the Republican base, but by and large Palin's positions and policies are in line with the conservative base. Regardless of her appeal, she's so conservative that I find it impossible to like her.

What always surprises me is how the "liberal media," a descriptor intended to cover every American news program not directly sponsored by an avowed Republican, and some that are, routinely fails to report and/or emphasize the pro-Democrat / anti-Republican stories. I might be tempted to use phrases like "fair and balanced" except it really isn't. By my internet perusal, I read ten times more interesting, fact-based stories (i.e., ones that actually can be supported by, oh I don't know, evidence) than ever appear on the news.

For example, the recent disclosure concerning military ops in Pakistan and US troops on the border being given permission to fire into Pakistan without provocation? That was reported about 21 min. into the NYC evening news with Katie Couric. The story lasted about 1 min. or so. With coverage like that, it's hard to believe we're privy to any news at all, let alone significant news such as, oh, our "recent" military involvement in Pakistan.

Admittedly I am a liberal and I'm annoyed when stories that interest me aren't reported or given much exposure, but you would think that I'd be less annoyed because it's a liberal media that is so clearly pro-Democrat. Or that's what I've been told.

Maybe I'm just becoming more cynical these days, I don't know. I actually expect the news media to give us news, preferably based on evidence and facts. Given that our country hasn't operated based on evidence and facts for the past 7.5 years, maybe my expectations are far-fetched. Probably just the scientist in me who wants to see a more scientific approach. Probably means I'm un-American or some such. Or that I'd like to see more accountability for those in charge who routinely and knowingly operated contrary to or in purposeful ignorance of facts and evidence. Could also just be my cynicism. Who knows?

While I have hopes for the election this November, I'm not very hopeful that the world will change and all will be right (not that it ever was, of course). I'm hoping for improvement, namely some forward movement that is more progressive than we've seen in a long time. Maybe some positive foreign relations and an improvement in the general attitude and view of America. Maybe a more inward-looking position that seeks to address our internal problems before attempting to impose our collective national will on others. Maybe I'm out of my gourd.

I'm pulling for Obama and hoping that America remembers some of the things that have happened in the past 8 years. You know what they say – those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I don't think we can afford to repeat this history. I'm not sure we'll still be here afterwards if we do.

Where It's At

It's been a while. I don't see the infrequency of the posts improving in the near future. Work is shite, which means things aren't going well and, thus, I'm not doing well. Addicted to World of Warcraft once again. Still playing board games. Living in denial and ignorance whenever possible.

I wish I could tie the frequency of posts to a positive or negative trend in my life, but there really isn't much correlation. When I'm good, I may post about the good. When I'm bad, I may post complaints and rants. The absence of posts isn't a good indicator one way or the other.

One reason posting is light is that I cannot and/or will not write about some things. As it happens, these unmentionables are the most salient and influential aspects of my life these days. Unless my stance were to change, which I don't see happening any time soon, these unmentionables shall remain unmentioned and you, random reader, shall be left in the dark.

Suffice it to say I'm relatively unhappy, I seek escape whenever possible and I'm screwing up as much as ever. In other words, not good. I keep waiting for that magical switch to flip and for things to magically get better except it's just not happening. We shall see what happens. One of the worst parts is that even if things were to improve, there would be a sharp period of badness early on. No way around that, though. Ah well.

So many things

& so little time and patience. So I present them below in an abbreviated form to ensure they actually make it into a post. Any one could easily be the topic for an entire post, I simply lack the drive to post each under a separate thread in greater detail.



I. Carrie Fisher

Last night I caught the opening performance of Carrie Fisher's show, "Wishful Drinking," at the Hartford Stage with movie.girl and a new female friend of hers. Carrie Fisher's mother, Debbie Reynolds, was in attendance. The show had previously been in LA, this was just the first performance in Hartford.

It was a strange, entertaining and interesting show. I enjoyed it though Carrie Fisher is clearly batshit crazy (but in a good way). I've decided that the show was bittersweet because it was truthful. She's had an insane life that, as she herself explains, you've got to laugh at. The problem is that it isn't fiction and it's all real. Everything she described (presumably) happened to and around her. The show personalized her, flushing out her back story and character. And that's why it's bittersweet – you have to empathize with her at least a little and a lot of it is absolutely nuts. I don't feel sorry for her, per se, but the show is a little less entertaining because the events and incidents are real.



II. Beta Male

I just finished reading Christopher Moore's book "A Dirty Job." Therein, Mr. Moore repeatedly describes the main character as a "beta male" with direct reference to, and contrasting with, the "alpha male" archetype.

I found the concept to be very interesting and applicable. I'm positive I'm a beta male. I've learned to try and own up to my personality, actions and characteristics. It's no use hiding from yourself. A beta male isn't the best thing to be, but if it aptly describes me then so be it. Not sure what I can learn from the characterization. Perhaps it's simply more of a "know thyself" aphorism.



III. Hanging Out: F+F+M vs. F+M+M

Movie.girl remarked on how it was easier for us to hang out with another girl than it was for us to hang out with another guy, citing two male examples and contrasting them with the new female friend of hers. I observed that it didn't particularly surprise me since the two male examples included one of her previous fiancés and a former male friend of hers who wanted to be more than friends. Guys often see other guys as competition, even when they're not. It's happened to me before and I suspect that's what occurred in relation to her previously. I don't know for sure, but it seems a likely candidate to me.



IV. Upcoming Shows

Made plans with movie.girl to see a bunch of shows including: A Midsummer Night's Dream, Spamalot and Equus (starring Harry Potter, aka Daniel Radcliffe). Also working on tickets for Sweeney Todd.

ADDENDUM: Entries edited for some reason or other. (8/10/08)

Posts

No regular posting because. This is looking like a very rough year for me, David Tennant notwithstanding.

Good Listening

While working on an application today, I was listening to portions of the BBC radio broadcast of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a broad grin occasionally plastered across my face. I'm positive someone else in the office must have seen this and been momentarily puzzled.

Which makes me smile again.

Mistaken Terror

This morning I had a moment of pure, unadulterated terror.

I have a conversion due August 1, 2008. For some reason, I thought today was August 13. My face blanched and my head spun as I instantly pondered all the consequences. My thoughts ran something like this:

Oh my G-d, this is it. I finally screwed up. I knew this was coming. They're going to have to fire me. Do I go tell them now or wait until the afternoon? No, I tell them now. My G-d, my mom is going to kill me. I'll spend my days at home, watching TV and eating. I'll have to find a new job. Do I go to the board games tonight? Could I act happy even though I lost my job?

Literally, it took less than a minute for all of these thoughts, and more, to pass through my mind – probably more like 5-15 seconds.

Soon thereafter, though not soon enough, I looked at the wooden calendar marker on my desk and realized that today is June 13. But it was too late. My nerves are frayed. My muscles are tight from tension. My head is still spinning. I'm barely breathing. My whole body is wracked.

This reminded me of the time my publicity professor outed my blog on the last day of class. Pure instantaneous terror. Same thing here though with a slightly different flavor.

I think my head is broken.

Board Games vs. Computer Versions of Board Games

The question posed is thus: Do Computer Versions Of Boardgames Ruin The Real Thing?

Two games in particular that I enjoy are Carcasonne and Settlers of Catan. Since I don't have many people to play with, I naturally try to find an on-line version of the games I like to play. However, now I'm wondering if this is a good idea. With Carcasonne, for example, I have played hundreds of games on ASO Brain recently, and I think my desire to play the game is a little bit less now. It would probably take me years of play on a physical board to get to this point. Does the quick-fix, play 8 games in two hours approach to gaming diminish our enthusiasm for the real game? Often times, when playing against an ultra-fast PC or computer player, you can play enough games to start to see patterns that you may not have seen in the real thing for years (50 plays, for example), or because the people are less predictable. Plus, IMO, most games are more interesting with live people, and therefore you might get sick of a game after playing it online, but really, you are not playing with interesting opponents. I think I might avoid games against the CPU for now on to prevent this from happening. And believe me, this will be nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to do, but it might be necessary...

Anyone else share my feelings on this?

It's a renewed, older thread from January of this year (2008), but the topic piqued my interest. To date, I have avoided playing computer versions of board games and I mean avoided as in not having downloaded or looked into computer versions of board games despite learning of them. The question, as posed above, is why?

It's not like I'm computer-illiterate or haven't played computer games. I built my current desktop and I've been playing computer games since the days of 16-color VGA. If I know computers and regularly play computer games, wouldn't it make sense to merge two of my interests in a single medium, computer versions of board games?

Well, you can find the response I posted below:

Seeing as this popped up (again, so to speak), I'll chime in.

I don't play computer versions of board games because I want to separate board games from my computer gaming. I want board games to remain a social experience with physical pieces. I want them to be paced, with real-world timing and resolution. I am purposefully maintaining board games as an insulated entertainment entity, retaining a particular specialty as social experiences (even if it's only a 2-player game).

I've played a lot of computer games. I know how they have the tendency to increase personal isolation and decrease social activities or become faux social activities. Even playing with other people via the computer is isolating as it inherently detracts from necessary real world interactions. I'm an ex-WoW raiding junky. I know that road and I try very hard to avoid falling under its siren lure once again.

So for me, it's not about spoiling the game itself or surpassing other gamers in skill. It's about maintaining board games as a special, real world social activity.

I will note one game that I purposefully switched from real life to online: Magic the Gathering. Up until I discovered the online version (MtGO), I forsook the real-world game since I wouldn't get to play it often (no friends playing it), meaning card purchases would largely go unused and be wasted. In contrast, MtGO enabled me to find a game at any time of day or night. It made purchasing packs easier. Card management is easier (e.g., sorting cards, making decks, testing decks). MtGO makes the game accessible for me.

But I never viewed MtG as a social activity and MtG players were not a lot with whom I wished to socialize. On the other hand, the board gamers I've had the pleasure of getting to know are generally friendly, intelligent, well-spoken people who share a common interest and are not overly competitive. In other words, they're people I enjoy being friends with and board games are a unique avenue for me to make such friends and hang out with them.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on this.

Not Good

Not feeling well today.

Super tired. Sleep last night was intermittent. Would have been little/short regardless, but waking up at 4:10am after going to sleep at 2am = problem. And I couldn't get back to sleep. Lay in my bed, perhaps dozing for brief periods but no longer streaks.

Also feeling a wee bit nauseous. Just in the back of my throat – I don't think I'm actually going to expel anything.

Head is spinning too. Hard to concentrate or focus on anything.

Occasionally break out in a light sweat, feeling warm at those times.

Initially was going to try & wait 'til mid-to-late afternoon before I leave. Then I was thinking early afternoon, like shortly after lunch. Now I'm thinking sooner. Much sooner.

Nausea not good.

Coffee tasted like crap this morning.

Head hurt.

Popping two Tylenol.

Can't tell if this is the sleep deprivation or a new med or a combo of both. Could also be the weather, it's drizzling today.

All I want to do is go home and be unconscious.

Think I'm going to leave soon. I am absolutely miserable right now.

An Interesting Topic

What is "interesting?"

Every now and again, I struggle with the notion of what makes something "interesting," primarily in relation to discussion topics.

I'm fairly certain that my day-to-day "this is what happened on Friday, and on Saturday I did this" posts are not interesting. Excepting when they catch on some deeper topic (e.g., posts earlier this year about boardgame.girl), the posts are largely devoid of interesting or poignant tales and generally serve merely as reminders, for me, of things I've done.

My ordinary day-to-day itself isn't very interesting to me. Maybe today I read my graphic novel or I read my current novel or I played my current computer or video game or I watched a current TV show. Little of it is out of the ordinary or extraordinary so as to be worthy of much notice.

I often find discussions on meta-topics to be interesting. For example, discussing the notion of interesting topics makes for an interesting topic in and of itself, at least in my opinion. I've always been a fan of metaphysics. Occasionally at the boardgame groups, we refer to the selection of a game as a or the metagame. For me, examination of these broader topics can offer further insight into other fields and have the potential for affecting how people think. I'm not interested in changing what people think. I am interested in how people think and that they think.

When at parties or gatherings with unknown persons, a common topic is the droll "What do you do?" or "What is your profession?" Invariably, my answer is: "I am a patent agent. I write patents and work on getting them issued. Our big clients are X and Y so most of the patents I work with concern A, B and C." Invariably, the response is: "Oh, how interesting!"

I suppose they need to say something, but calling it "interesting?" I usually don't find my work to be "interesting." I suppose a layperson might be enamored of the field and, possibly, even curious concerning aspects thereof, but I really don't have an answer for "Oh, how interesting!" Sometimes I'll choose to relate an "interesting" invention or such, but often I am at a loss for words. "Interesting?" What's interesting about an invention for a communication protocol? Or a user interface? Or a semiconductor? "Interesting" indeed!

I hope this post is "interesting." In my mind, it has the potential to spark the mind of you, my intrepid reader. Did you find it "interesting?" What is "interesting" to you?

Watch, Read, Play

I spent today being nonproductive. In my search for nonproductivity, I sought to do nonproductive things. Unfortunately, as is customary with Sundays, I get frustrated and wander aimlessly because I don't want to do the nonproductive things that are available to me.

Watch, Read, Play.

I can watch TV or a DVD. I can read a graphic novel. I can play a game, computer or video.

That's all I've got. No need to go shopping and spend money - did that yesterday. No one to call to meet up. Nowhere to go. Watch, Read, Play.

So I spent the majority of today watching an NCIS marathon on USA and/or reading a graphic novel while NCIS played in the background.

Very nonproductive but also fairly non-fulfilling. It wasn't all that much fun, though I did get through 1.5 graphic novels. But the day is nearly done and time for sleep is approaching. Soon I won't worry about finding things to do, I'll be unconscious.

Sadly, that's the terminus and it is not a stretch to say it equals the rest of the day.

Art

I see things other people create and I want to create something. I recognize and appreciate art on some primal level. I revel in it, even. But for some reason I am pegged as a consumer, a voyeur, and not as an artist. Music, movies, television, comic books, novels. I consume but I do not produce.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. There are a few feeble attempts at artistry. Misbegotten sketched scenes for layouts that will never bear fruit. Brief beginnings for stories without plot. Half-formed ideas of grand design that will never be wrought. Every now and then the bug bites me and I am consumed by a need to do something artistic. This bears no fruit, merely the remains of unskilled, half-formed efforts that are not worth the materials expended.

I am no graphic artist for my sketches are misshapen objects of pity. My eyes see many things, both there and imagined, but I am ill-equipped to translate them. I fear I am no writer. With practice, perhaps I could aspire to a mediocre tale of places and beings, perhaps more. But I fear my efforts would be for naught and I suspect this restrains me. I know how to frame a shot, what makes for a good photograph, though I have no desire to pursue photography beyond mere point-and-click. Music is a friend, a lover, a passion. Though I lack the background, and the inclination, to compose, music I enjoy is a true delight.

I am an artist without a medium. There is something I could create, of that I am positive. It is simply that I have yet to find my method of translation. My mind can conjure up a thousand and one images in a second. If only I knew what to do with them, how to share them.

Until I decipher my riddle, I continue consuming. Every vision absorbed, every story unfolded, every image considered fuels my imagination. Music, movies, television, comic books, novels. I consume and enjoy (but I do not produce).

A Difficult Conversation

Courage. Anonymity. Escapism. Conversation. Summary.

Courage. I wish this post was about courage. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not more courageous than the average person based on my willingness to try new things or broach topics or address things head on. But I'm also woefully deficient in other realms, such as dating and moving out of my mom's house and my career. On the whole, I figure there's some balance between the two that evens out over time.

Anonymity. Sometimes I wish this blog was anonymous. There is much more I could or would say if I knew it wouldn't come back to me. There would be posts about recent doctor's visits and such. There would be more posts about my goals or lack thereof. There would be posts about desires and fantasies and dreams. Instead, posts are plainer with more superficial topics and less commentary. At times more like a public diary than a conversation or conversation starter.

Escapism. I probably am mired in escapism. Between the games (board and video), the books (graphic novels and novels), and the viewing (movies and television), a significant portion of my time and attention is spent in other realms. But is that a bad thing? I would argue it is not, that it is another outlet for imagination and creativity, not to mention education. Losing your sense of wonder and not being inquisitive would be far greater crimes.

Conversation. And all of the above has very little to do with the main subject of this post, though they are probably more interesting. Since this blog is not anonymous, I will only provide the merest of description. Today, I had a difficult conversation with my bosses, one in which I related my recent doctor visits. They appear to be very supportive, as I thought/hoped they would be given the fact that I am still employed by them (a marvel in and of itself). I just wonder where things go from here, other than the inevitable "onwards."

Summary. A few random observances that are not so random to me. A passing note to mark a not-so-minor, but brief, discussion. A wandering post from a wandering mind. I assure you, it makes sense to me.

"Time Is [Not] On My Side"

Yes it is! (link)

Not much exciting in the weeks since my previous post.

The new car is running well. Love her to death. Even cleared out a space in the garage for her. I think it's the first time we've parked two cars in the garage. Gave movie.girl a short ride in her last weekend. She said that as a passenger she liked it better than the Buick. I pressed her for a reason why, and she answered that the "coolness factor" was probably it. For example, no plastic fake-wood grain. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that the gas tank is small – only 14 gallons. I have to refuel more often than before.

Met up with movie.girl last weekend for the first time in 2 months. Hung out a bit, played some Guitar Hero and Rock Band, both first plays for me. Then met up with a new friend of her's (some guy she met somehow?) and the three of us watched Speed Racer (don't go see it) in Imax. Afterwards we got a burger at Wooden Tap and later on movie.girl and I picked up some cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I think we're supposed to meet up this weekend. I know I'm down to watch Indy on the Thursday night it comes out.

Hung out with boardgame.girl the first Monday this month. Didn't stay late, she was tired. More and more, I think my choice was a good one. I don't feel like going into that in any detail right now. Maybe another time (though I've said that before about this).

I've been going at the boardgames and almost-weekly Vampire (VtR) RPG. Bought some new (board)games in the past month. Tons more I'd like to buy. Hopefully I'll hold off until June before I place another big order. More boardgames tonight and tomorrow.

Okay, work. Work has not been going well this week. My focus and concentration have been shot. Not billing enough hours. Definitely not looking good. Last month wasn't so hot. This month doesn't look much better.

I've seen a doc or two for things. Not sure yet how much I want to go into that here. Also not sure yet if I'm going to tell my bosses. Plus side, could save me from being fired. Minus side, not sure I want to avoid being fired nor that I shouldn't be fired. Part of me is of the mind that I don't want to use anything as an excuse in order to prevent my being canned. I either do the work and belong here, or I don't and I'm dead weight – there's no place for excuses. Kinda weird. Also, I'm pretty sure that if I were to tell them, then they wouldn't or couldn't fire me and I don't want to impose that extra burden on them either – make them feel that they must keep me.

I'm in a sort of stasis period at the moment. I've been in one for a long time. At some point the bubble will break, whether it's by my employers firing me or by me leaving. I have this impression that it would be a good thing for me to go. I'm also positive that my future salary will be less than I'm making now and that's a little disheartening. I can afford the boardgames and car and expenses because I'm paid well. When that stops, I'll have to revise my spending attitude. It's nice to be able to afford things. Also, not sure I can go without health insurance. Also not sure what my next employment prospect would be.

So maybe it's not that life hasn't been interesting, but that not much has changed or improved, at least not yet. I'm hopeful for change/improvement. Furthermore, I'm hopeful that I can instigate some change/improvement. It just hasn't happened yet.

A NEW CAR!

Very busy last week working on getting a new (or new used) car. (There are a few stories in there - maybe they'll be posted another time, maybe not.) Ultimately got a great deal on a new '08 so I bought it.

WOOT! A NEW CAR! It's a Pontiac G6 GT coupe. Midnight blue, ebony cloth interior. Sunroof, Monsoon sound system, 6-disc in-dash CD changer, aux jack for my iPod, XM Radio. Almost fully loaded.

I'm happy. I love the car. The ride isn't quite as smooth as my Park Ave. but the acceleration and feel is fantastic. She likes to go fast. She also purrs. I think I've settled on Dani for her name (short for Danica, named after Danica Patrick for no great reason). Was originally thinking "Ford" as a tongue-in-cheek reference to Ford Prefect (Hitchhiker's) and a small bit of satirical nudge-nudge-wink-wink to Ford, but decided that cars, like boats, should have female names. *shrug*

Yay! New car! WOOHOO! Incidentally, this is my first new car. Will try to hunt down, or take, some photos to post. YAY!!!!

April 23

A day of days.

Happy birthday to William Shakespeare!

Not-so-happy death day to William Shakespeare!

Happy birthday to Roy Orbison!

Not-so-happy death day to Miguel de Cervantes!

Happy birthday to Max Planck!

Not-so-happy death day to Saint George!

Happy birthday to James Buchanan!

Not-so-happy death day to William Hartnell!

Week In Brief

This was a rather odd week for me. Very busy. Missed almost 2 days of work due to doctor appointments. Boardgame.girl on Monday. Birthday on Tuesday, complete with a flat tire, a new tire and a small spending spree at the mall. Stayed late on Wednesday (no RPG) before an impromptu gaming session in West Haven. Left early Thursday for doctor then gamed more that night. Full day Friday, gamed that night but longer.

A pretty good week for work - the first good week in a long time. Ever since that Choices post on Monday, I've been doing much better at work. Got a bunch of things out, got some filed, been doing my work. I also feel better about myself. Part of the reason the boardgame.girl non-happening doesn't bother me as much is because I feel better about myself from work. I'm not caught up, not even close, but it's looking much better and I feel incredibly better about it. We'll see what next week brings, but I'm hopeful.

Definitely enjoyed the 4 nights of gaming this week. Had a blast and played a number of new games. Fun, fun, fun!

Saw boardgame.girl tonight at the gaming. I was a little frosty towards her, but that was mostly internally. I usually find it much easier to just have a clean break when things go pear-shaped. Here, I know that's not worth it. Besides, she's into work-induced isolation starting Sunday, so I won't see her for a while. And even then, when I do it will be for boardgames. Time will help.

Next week should be more normal. No birthday, hopefully no flat tires (knock on wood). No gaming Monday, maybe on Tuesday, RPG on Wednesday, hopefully on Thursday, not on Friday, all-day on Saturday, maybe movie.girl on Sunday?

So life goes on and I'm feeling better these days. For some reason, that concept of choices rings true with me and bolsters me. I often feel like I'm buffeted about by things beyond my control when, in fact, it's always been about the choices I make and those I do not. I feel empowered. We'll see how long this lasts, but it's doing me a lot of good right now.

Passover starts Saturday night. Going up to my grandparents, aunt, uncle for the first night's seder. Eh. I'm long overdue for a visit. It'll be nice to see them, I suppose.

I actually enjoy Passover. Maybe it's my masochistic side poking through, but I enjoy it. More on that later, perhaps.

Now, time for a few (3?) hours sleep before an early morning wake up for a 3-4 hour drive/nap. Slumber well!

Hello, Goodbye

Stayed late at work then went to West Haven for boardgames. I wasn't planning on it, but then I called boardgame.girl (to talk re my decision) and she was there and... So, I went there and played 2 games. Afterwards, chatted with her and two others. Walked her to her car. Told her I wanted to be friends. (Ugh, the dreaded "f" word!) And that was that.

We probably won't meet up for a while. Oh, I'll see her on Friday at a game night, but starting Sunday she's in her show schedule. That is, work from 6pm to 11pm, except for all day Saturday & Sunday and not on Mondays. Maybe we'll hang out again a week from Monday. Who knows.

On the whole, I feel good about it. Obviously not my first choice, but it should help clear my head a bit and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I won't waste (too many) cycles thinking on her. Plus, it opens me up again, for whatever that's worth.

Some time I'll post a positive outlook on this sort of non-thing. Honestly, it was a positive experience for me. It's easy to forget things I should not.

Times like this, I'm strongly tempted to be fatalistic. So it goes.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Etc., etc.

Got in to work about 20 min. ago due to various things, including a morning doctor's appointment and a leaking/flat tire that I discovered when I first arrived at work around 1pm. Must get to work now.

One year ago today.

Three years ago today.

Not A Difficult Question

Less than 15 min. after I put up the previous post, I realized that I knew the answer and had known the answer pretty much from the time the question was asked. It just took a bit for me to realize that. I spoke with movie.girl on the ride home afterwards, and, similar to that, the previous post (and possibly this one) was looking for confirmation of my decision.

But no matter that I want confirmation and approval, I don't need it.

The answer is easy, far easier than I let on. I like her too much for (a). I don't want to do (c) if I don't have to. The answer is (b2), as in hang out as friends but less often and with some clear boundaries.

I don't want a non-exclusive relationship with someone I really like. I may not know what I want in life or my career, but I know what I want with relationships. I also feel that it's a little insulting. "I don't want to date you, but you're still good enough for a non-committed relationship." I know that's not the intent, and I don't think I feel it (much), but it is a subtext. And I do enjoy pride - probably not my favorite of the sins, but it's certainly up there.

As for what I expected, I know what I expected. I always did. I wanted to date her until I couldn't. If she was moving away, fine, but until she did I was ready to go out with her, to go with it, and see what happened. I was not, and am not, ready for an open relationship.

Maybe I'm too traditional or conservative or what-not for that sort of thing. I feel that it just doesn't jive with me. And that's the essence of this. Know thyself. And I do, at least at this time, in this respect.

So no, it wasn't a difficult question. The difficulty lay in understanding my answer. Oh I'll be a bit sad over this, but it's also been a positive experience for me. Perhaps more on that another time.

A Difficult Choice?

Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Before, she had texted me that we needed to talk about "things." After a bunch of boardgames, we talked.

She doesn't want something serious or exclusive right now. For the first time in 2 years, she's at the bar hanging out most nights, meeting guys and going out on dates. She said it feels like she's living someone else's life. She's out of here in 2 months and she doesn't know where she's headed after MA.

She wanted me to know this up front so she wouldn't lead me on or such. I told her I appreciated her telling me. I also said that I'd be lying if I said I didn't want something serious. I asked a good question: Would I be fooling myself if I thought it could be exclusive in the future? She didn't know - it depends on if she comes back, but not in the next 2 months. I didn't give her an answer. Instead, I told her I'd need some time. I still kissed her before leaving.

If you're tempted to ask what non-exclusive means, don't. I don't know. I doubt she has a good idea of what it means, though I could easily be wrong.

I'm of 3 minds:

(a) Go with "it" whatever "it" is.

(b) Try to hang out with her as "just friends" and no more.

(c) Sever it. Cut bait and try not to look back.

See, I know what I want. I want a relationship, something serious, something meaningful. I've only been "going out" with boardgame.girl for a few weeks and, to be honest, I haven't fallen as hard as I could. I've tried to keep something in reserve. I didn't have any expectations per se, particularly knowing she's moving away in a while. I figured I'd just ride it out and see what happened.

But I can't have what I want. Not here.

And there's the kicker. I could go with (a) if only I didn't care. If only she was some random girl, someone I'd just met and hadn't already grown to like. Because I do like her for herself. Though she doesn't believe it, she is cool. She's the kind of geek I've been looking for. And I like her. I don't know that I have it in me for (a).

I also know that I don't like (c). I enjoy hanging out with her and playing games and such. It's fun and there's no one else around with whom I can do that, at least for the boardgames if not the more.

I could try (b). I know that the whole time I'd be hoping and/or waiting for her "to come to her senses." But I also know she probably wouldn't. It would be a waste of efforts/hope.

Maybe I do have it in me for (a)? Could I do it without seriously hurting myself in the end?

I have to make a choice this week - let's say by Friday (I'll see her Friday night at boardgaming).

I have more thoughts on this, but it's late and I need to sleep. Please feel free to provide suggestions, thoughts or ideas. I'll put up a birthday post later today.

Choices

I was working on a post titled "The End Is Near," but then, after pondering, I realized it's just whining. More griping about work and stress and my mom. That's it. It's not helpful or useful. Writing it isn't going to change anything. It's venting, but not in any capacity that could be construed as productive or positive.

Sometimes venting can be good. You express your feelings and clear the air, and your head. But I have a huge streak in me that likes to vent without concurrently accomplishing anything positive. I like to whine.

So you're not getting that "End" post. Instead, you're getting this one on choice.

I continually forget that I have choices. We all do. I can choose to be miserable and unhappy. I can choose to blame my job or my situation or my lack of motivation. I can choose to be mindless and without direction.

Or I can choose not.

I can choose to find happiness where I can. I can consciously choose to be positive and maintain a positive outlook, to find and see the best instead of the worst. I rarely do so, but that's not the point. The point is that I have a choice and I need to choose.

I am going to make a conscious effort to choose.

I either choose to do my work and catch up, or I choose to find a new job. No more half-assery. Choice.

I either choose to live at home, or I finally clean things up at home and move out, into a place of my own. Choice.

I either choose to eat better and get in shape, or I choose to deal with the consequences. Choice.

Too often, I do something because it is there in front of me. Because it is easy. Because it is "the next step." Because it is convenient. Not because I made a choice, but because I didn't make a choice.

"Begin each day as if it were on purpose!" -- Mary Anne Radmacher

All of the above could be a load of hot air. I am known for having minor epiphanies and promptly not following through on them. Heck, I'm known for not following through on things in general. But that's also symptomatic -- I don't choose and I don't do anything because of that.

So I need to start affirmatively making choices. Now.

Hello Troll Hunters!

Checking stats, let's see... 75 visits today.. 75 VISITS? Well, at least 48 of them were from searches relating to:

"Beloved by humans, envied by trolls." -- Honda (car commercial)

From this old post.

I find it amusing every time my visitor count jumps because of a cultural reference. By far, the biggest one is for Pop Rocks / Rock Toxin, a review I wrote over 3 years ago about an ABC made-for-TV movie starring Gary Cole. I'm in the top 10 of those search results and I know every time they air it 'cause my visitor count jumps sharply.

One of many things that amuses me.

In Brief

Played boardgames last night. Boardgame.girl was there and we played a few games together. I absolutely killed at Glory to Rome.

Going into the city today with my mom to see November, starring Nathan Lane.

Tomorrow, going into work. I'm still horribly behind and I'm not catching up. Hopefully this changes, though it's not looking good. I'm pissing off my bosses again (or still). Wonder if I'll make it to the end of April. (I did say the same thing about March.)

Monday night, meeting up with boardgame.girl. Since that's her day off, the theory is that she can nap during the day and will be well-rested for a change. Looking forward to it.

I'm beginning to wonder if the once-a-week thing isn't so bad after all. Not like I'm doing well at work. Also not like I don't have things outside of work with boardgaming. Moderate amount of activities to do and I probably don't need my week messed up more than it already is.

Eh. Even so, it's not like I wouldn't mind more. Rarely a question for things I really enjoy. More.

Time to run. Food. Then train. Then The City!

Truth In Advertising

(Random title.)

So, last night.

Picked boardgame.girl up around 7:35ish. We went to Joe's American Bar & Grill for food. That was mistake #1 and I really should have known better and been better prepared. Joe's has a horrible atmosphere. Good food, fair prices, but awful atmosphere. It's a wide-open area with wood floors that lets every sound echo and reverberate. Toss in a crying child or two and you have the makings of a quiet, intimate dinner.

I don't think I actually have any other mistakes to number for last night, but "mistake #1" seemed too good to pass up.

Conversation lagged initially. A few times early on, my head spun with: "What should we talk about? What should I say?" I suspect some of that was from us meeting up after equally long days, but who knows. We did find our groove, however, so things went well after that and the conversation was unceasing.

Afterwards, went back to her apartment. Glass of wine while playing three games of Race, two of which I won. She was yawning here & there, not really focused on the game very well. Talked briefly after the third game & then transitioned to the movie, Enchanted.

I'd brought a few different types of "good" movies with me, but it turned out she'd seen half of them already. It was kind of weird that she'd seen half of them in view of her avowed not-much-movie-watching. We figured that either spoke to us having similar tastes in movies or her having good taste in the movies she sees (I lobbied for both).

So, watching the movie on a small TV in her bedroom, sitting on her bed together. She's trying hard not to nod off. About 30 min. in, I suggest we table the movie and she go to sleep. After the second or third time I say that, she agreed. (She was very tired.) Called it a night around 11:45pm.

After last night, I feel pretty unhopeful about this thing. One big reason: Time. She doesn't have any. Tuesday night was her one free night as, for some reason, she has Wednesday off. She'd gone out with friends for most (if not all) of the previous seven nights. Even on Tuesday, after I spoke with her she got two hours sleep, was woken up by a phone call and went out for the night. Every time I've seen her in the past week, she's been tired. Add in that my schedule is a more conventional one (work 8-5:30ish) while hers is usually not (11-5:30pm for rehearsals, 6-1am for shows except for matinee days) and not only is it difficult to find time to meet up, but it's also hard to find a time when we're both awake.

There's also the issue of her future shows. She's only here until June/July. Then she goes up to MA for a run. After that, she's not sure where she'll be. However, last night, she expressed doubt that she'll be back in this area. I didn't respond to her comment at all, choosing instead to simply absorb it and let it wash over me.

So what does any of that mean? In truth, not much. I figure I'll run with this as long as I can. I really like her. We have similar interests and sense of humor. It's fun to hang out with her. I feel like she's someone who I can or do get and whom can or does get me. If it weren't for the time issue, which is pretty much integral to her career, I'd probably be happier and more content. So I'll just see what happens and try not to get too invested (though I'm sure I will anyways). I know she likes me and I'm pretty sure she wishes, to some degree at least, that we could figure this out. I'm just doubtful that there's a good solution.

So, as I have repeatedly stated, we shall see what happens. When's the next time we can meet up? Maybe next Monday? I don't know. All I do know is that I enjoy hanging out with her and we have fun together. Maybe that's what this ends up being.

A Continuing Saga

Meeting up with boardgame.girl around 7:30. Funny enough, by my current standards that's a relatively "late" time for meeting up... which is incredibly sad. I think the "plan" is as noted yesterday: food + games and/or DVD. I'm sort of hoping we end up watching a movie. We don't talk much while playing Race (concentrating on the game instead) and, though I know we also wouldn't talk much with a DVD, it would be... closer, I think. Closer wouldn't be bad.

A recent comment to this post suggested:

if you do tell her about the blog, i would erase any mention of her from the blog (at least the juicy stuff)

Anyone have further thoughts on this?

I didn't think I was relating anything particularly "juicy." Granted, laying out my view of things is problematic enough (especially given my penchant for idiocy), but I don't think anything I've written so far was out of line. Relatedly, I hate editing (i.e., abridging/censoring) things I've posted. I already have filters on what I write, and I share little enough as it is that excising portions seems unnecessary to me.

However, I've been known to be clueless with things like this, so I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

This morning, I was perusing referrals and noticed that someone got here from a Google search for: what to say to a girl on the phone before a blind date.

Mind you, I really don't have any advice for that. The link to this blog was from my blind date experience back in November '06.

Seemed like an interesting question, so I checked out the search results. The top result was for this page (Just Keep The Change). I poked a bit more about the site and found a host of interesting articles, including ones with dating advice for men. I found them to be rather helpful, particularly as I am admittedly a n00b when it comes to women and dating. I may yet try some of the suggestions tonight. (Seems worth a shot.)

I was born... to dance!

...or at least to listen to dance music.

Today I was listening to an album of dance music I have on my iPod (Fired Up!). I bought the double-disc set because it has a few songs I like, including Madison Avenue's "Don't Call Me Baby," which was a big hit back in 2000 when I was overseas. It also has "Zombie Nation" by Kernkraft 400, among many others.

My foot is tapping along with the beat. I do that a lot. I wonder if it annoys anyone. I try to keep it quiet. I also try to refrain from mouthing the words of the song I'm listening to.

I actually like to dance. Learned that one in college – at frat parties and the biannual semi-formals. Rarely get the chance, though. It's usually easy for me to find the beat and just go with it. Has yet to translate to anything, though, as in meeting women or such. In my overseas traveling, I've been to a few clubs here and there – in York and Florence. Enjoyed them, even if I have trouble tolerating Red Bull (and, by extension, things like VK).

No formal training or practice, so I'm no good for most structured dances. I can passably emulate formal dancing. Not very good at ballroom. No good at jazz or swing. Can muddle through line dancing. Half of it is just confidence – if I were more confident (e.g., from lessons or practice or such), I'd probably be half decent.

I just remembered Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly" – when he gets into dirty dancing with Jennifer Anniston. Heh.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this one. I'll just end it here, knowing that it won't be the top post.

What kept you sane?

The title is a question I saw on an annual survey on someone's blog. (The survey is a meme.)

I was pondering this in the car ride to work this morning and came up with my answer: Music. Music keeps me sane.

I listen to music in the car using my iPod. I sing along with it. It keeps my head busy.

Music can set my mood or influence it. Relaxing music helps me relax. Louder, faster music helps me stay awake and alert. Softer music helps me reflect and slow down.

I listen to music at work on my iPod. Often it helps me focus on my work. Sometimes it detracts, but that usually occurs when the work is thick and difficult.

I listen to music on the weekends, when I get ready in the morning. During the week, I listen to the Z Morning Zoo (Z-100). But on the weekend, my timing is different so I just put in a CD and hit "play" or "shuffle."

Sometimes I listen to music at home when I'm surfing the web. Open up iTunes and hit shuffle. It gives a nice background for concentrating on other things.

I don't buy that much music for the amount I listen to. I buy an album or two every now and then, but it's on the order of 1-2 dozen per year. I always have a current, preferred set of albums in rotation. That's how I usually listen to music on my iPod, by album. Sometimes I select a particular song, though, and some albums I only have one song (from iTunes).

I also use iTunes to look for new music, listening to other artists and groups they categorize with ones I know and like. For example, I found Lacuna Coil from Evanescence.

There are a handful of albums that I would like to buy. One day I'll order them from Amazon. One day...

I would be apt to choose something else as keeping me sane, such as TV or movies or boardgames or games in general, except all of those have concomitant downsides. For me, music does not have a downside. I don't just sit and listen to music, I listen to music while I do other things, including work, drive and think.

I think music is my lifeline. It is happiness and sadness, old and new, vibrant and melancholy, dreams and death. It describes feelings I've had and ones I haven't and a myriad host of in-betweens that pluck at my heartstrings in different ways. Music reflects my mood and is my mood and makes my mood but rarely causes my mood. Music is powerful. It tells stories I enjoy and ones I hate and other times it just sits there and serves as a counterpoint to the world. It doesn't forsake me or forget me or make time for me. Music is always playing. Music is an undercurrent to my being.

Music keeps me sane.

I need to be better at this.

Texts with boardgame.girl:

Me: I didn't have any specific plans for Tues. Easy ideas include food or gaming or a dvd (if your place is ok for that) or some combination thereof. Thoughts?

Her: Some combination thereof? Food then gaming and/or DVD at my place? I definitely need some race.

Me: Sounds good to me! Far be it for me to say no to Race.

And yet another reason I like this girl.

I'm looking at the previous sentence and trying to figure out why it makes sense to me. I suggested three somewhat prosaic options, none of them terribly inspiring. Her response was along the lines of "works for me" with a "hey, let's play that game we both love and are addicted to."

Maybe that's it. I suggested three easy choices and they're fine with her. Plus, she's a gamer and wants to game. I may need to be better at this, where "this" means finding things for us to do, but then the easy things I suggest, the ones I'd like to do, are good ones for her too.

Noisy Patent Application

This morning I was making noises for a patent application I'm writing. The noises differentiate between injection molding and extrusion molding. I could explain more but then I would have to kill you.

Do I tell her about my blog yet?

"Hey, how's it going? Good to see you. By the way, I found your blog... and your MySpace page... and fyi, I have a blog of my own." I have a picture of all the color draining from her face, while mine turns beet-red. It's not a pretty image.

No, not yet I think. Soon, sometime, but not yet.

Another Sunday

I'm feeling somewhat relaxed today. Didn't go into work. Restless sleep overnight because I brought the dog upstairs with me. Slept in. Went for a 30 min. walk in the neighborhood. Hung out at a Starbucks, reading graphic novels and waiting for boardgame.girl to call. (Cell reception at home is rotten and I was expecting her call.)

Around 6:15, I called her. She'd just gotten out of work and was very tired - going back to her apt., probably to sleep. Hence, nothing happening today. We're planning on Tuesday night for something.

If she'd given some reason other than sleep, I think I would have pushed. But if it's sleep/being tired, I won't touch it. That's not something I'll push back on.

At this point, I think I have to be patient. Which is very difficult for me. Very difficult. (How am I supposed to have a torrid affair with her if we never meet up?) I don't think I'm naturally very patient. It's something I have to consciously force on myself. I can distract myself with books and/or other entertainment, but I have to try to pull myself back and force myself to play nice and pause.

So I think I have to practice patience here, too. It's sounding like her schedule really is pretty busy and trying. I can't add more stress to that, I have to help her de-stress from it. I suppose "relax" would have made more sense, but you get my drift.

But it's hard. I always want to rush things. It was easy to do that in college. I got in trouble for rushing things in law school. And now, I don't see that I have much of a choice. Be patient. Motto for the instant.

I was actually thinking that today wouldn't happen. That she'd call me, or I'd call her, and she'd be too tired/worn for anything. But I hoped not. I always hope. I'm a hopeful pessimist. (Good luck deciphering that one.) Plan for the worst, hope for the best? Though one of my favorite quotes is: "If you're going after Moby-Dick, bring along the tartar sauce."

So I'm hoping that we meet up Tuesday night. If that one also falls through, I think I'll have to say something. I'm sort of anticipating that it'll be another non-happening. But she's supposedly planning on it and it's supposedly a "good" night for us to meet up, so hope isn't dead. Yet.

I guess I was a spaz and an idiot this week, but it may not have been as ill-founded as I thought. It may be that we only get to meet up once a week or so. Slow but ongoing? *shrug* Time will tell.

I have this thing where if I want something bad enough, I'll find a way. I'll make time for it. I'll do it and not look back. I'm not sure how other people don't play by the same rules. But then maybe she really doesn't have any more time for me right now. Patience. Patience. *sigh* Patience.

ADDENDUM: Forgot to mention that I briefly met up with movie.girl on Saturday as she was passing nearby. Very brief lunch.

Incidentally, I'm more maudlin tonight. Probably a little down from the non-meet up. And a little tired. And a little not looking forward to another work week. And a little bleh. For whatever reason, Sundays engender introspection for me. Not always a good thing, particularly since the future looks rather uncertain these days.

I think I also forgot to mention that sometime this week, in speaking with our accountant (a very helpful cousin of ours), my mom was told that selling the house is not a great idea nowadays. As long as I keep living at home and cutting my mom a check every month, she can afford the house and wait things out. Provides a disincentive for me to move out - as though I needed one. So I still live at home.

Yeah, I better stop this. It's going down when it should not. Time for some light reading before bed, methinks. [9:47 PM]

It's official.

I'm an idiot. (Or a spaz, take your pick.)

Yeah, nothing's wrong - it's all in my head. Saw her at boardgames tonight. We talked briefly afterwards (around midnight-ish) and then kissed in the parking lot of the comic store for a minute or two. We might do something tomorrow night but, if not, then on Tuesday night. We shall see. She was pretty sleep-deprived tonight from a late Friday night.

I'm wondering if she's not as bad at this thing as I am.

[INTERLUDE]

So, uhh... I was reading some of her blog archives and I saw mention of a myspace page. She doesn't update that either, not more than about once a month, at any rate. But it looks slightly more current than the other one.

ANYWAYS, it looks like my head was just a little off on this one. Time for some sleep, maybe work tomorrow. If I don't hear from her, I'm going to call her and suggest we meet up for something relaxing or low-key. Even if it's a short something, just.. something. Maybe to get a coffee and chill? I dunno. But something.

I think I may be learning that I have to take more of a charge in this thing. I haven't before, mostly because they just happened and I didn't really have to. But I may have to push this a bit. If her schedule is always crazy and insane, I may have to push for an attempt to better fit into it. Hmmm.

Sleep now-ish.

Two Phone Calls Later...

So, ummm... I think I may be a bit of a spaz. (Just a bit.)

Spoke with boardgame.girl earlier tonight and we're doing something on Sunday. Don't know what or when, but something. We're going to hash out details tomorrow at the Saturday boardgaming.

I've had 2 phone calls with her so far and they've both been a little.. weird. First one was very abrupt. Second one was better but still.. odd. I really have no idea why. We did talk boardgames for +20 min. so it wasn't abrupt or mindless, per se. It just had a strange tone to it, perhaps? Very hard to describe.

Oh, I spoke with movie.girl right after and we're meeting up for lunch since she's passing nearby. Will make me a little late for my gaming, but eh. Haven't seen her in... a month or so?

Incidentally, I spoke with her earlier this week on Monday, as I drove to meet up with boardgame.girl. I also called her Monday night/Tuesday morning, all excited about kissing boardgame.girl. It's kind of funny, but she's a good friend... as long as we don't take a road trip in her car.

Bad week for work, but whatever. At some point, it'll get bad enough that I either leave or they let me go. Not there yet and I'm tempted to ride it as long as I can. They keep paying me, I'll keep showing up and try to fix things. In the meantime, I'll save up some money for when things do go South and complain unceasingly about my predicament. Sounds reasonable to me.

ANYWAYS. Lunch & lots of gaming tomorrow. Something with boardgame.girl on Sunday. Not too bad. Sounds like a fun weekend to me!

Too Much

While in my Rusted Root groove, I'm currently listening to "Too Much" from Welcome To My Party.

Such an excellent song. Upbeat and medium tempo but very calming and relaxing:

love before
you sleep
let your mind believe
that we
can cope
with all life hands us
and breathe
in deep
the strength you need
to fill you up
and calm
your mind
just like
I keep telling you

it's too much thinking
it's too much worrying
rest your head aside me now
it's too much thinking
upon your shoulders
rest your worried soul
upon me now

Easily one of my favorites from Rusted Root. The song just helps me relax and calm down.

Rusted Root Mood

It's rainy outside and I'm in a Rusted Root mood. Long ago, I saw them in concert at my college. Amazing performance! I remember the concert being very lively and knowing each and every song they played. Four encores. They were wonderful!

Before the concert, I sat down with my roommate and went through the Rusted Root music I had, guessing which songs would be played and giving him a general feel for the music. I was spot on in my predictions. I don't know how helpful it was for him or if he enjoyed the pre-show sampling, but I greatly appreciated the opportunity to share music with him. (Thank you, MaTT!)

Welcome to the Monkey House

Taken from the title of a Vonnegut short story of the same name.

This morning: Meeting for us associates and the Jr. partner re workload update. I updated my tally. Managed to cross a few things off in the past 2 weeks. Also managed to add more items than I crossed off. Not good.

This afternoon: Cake and celebration of April birthdays, mine included. Cake is good. (The cake is a lie!)

Tonight: More boardgames but with a new group. It's an invite-only affair. I was invited by a guy I've met through other, open groups. Should be fun.

~//~//~//~

This morning's meeting was... not very peppy. Now, I know these meetings are to keep the Jr. partner appraised of where us associates are at and how we're doing managing our workload, but they're also depressing as Hell.

Afterwards, the Jr. partner stopped by my office and, separately, by a friendly co-worker's office. We were both informed that unless we stop spending time talking with one another and get caught up, one of us would be moved to the other hallway.

Yes, we talk too much. We have the same interests – sci fi, boardgames, books, graphic novels, movies, etc. We're friends. Heck, this is the guy who got me into boardgames in the first place. But we're also both in trouble at work and pretty not happy with the current workload. If there were ever a way to motivate us, that wasn't it. I swear that there's a way to say the same thing and have a similar effect but without making it highly negative.

Really brought down the mood. We pretty much didn't talk at lunch, either.

~//~//~//~

Thoughts:

Last night, in my various car-drivings, I pondered a scenario where I tell boardgame.girl that I found her blog. Reminded me of that class at the end of law school where the professor told the whole class about my blog (without identifying me or stating that it was a student's blog, though). I wonder if she would feel a similar initial rush of heart-stopping panic. Or maybe she'd be cooler with it than I was.

If/when (because it's more of a "when" than an "if," assuming things work out) I tell boardgame.girl that I found her blog, I would also tell her that I have a blog. I really am all about being forthright and honest with this gal. (Though I may delay said forthrightness a bit, for the blog revelation I mean.)

Today I'm also feeling more positive about the whole thing. Ironically, the renewed positivity appears to stem from the lack of communication. Funny but true.

I'm trying to figure out why I should call her tomorrow (on Friday). I would like to, if for no other reason than to provide some indication of my continuing interest, but I do need a reason for calling her... and I'm having trouble coming up with one. I know I'm going to see her on Saturday (or at least I know she's planning on coming to the Sat. boardgames), so there's little reason to call and attempt to plan something more at this time. Could just call to see how her week has been. Like I've said before, I'm rotten at this.

It's also easier to be positive about her since I'm fairly negative about work today. The two have no real connection, but it seems as though there is an inverse relation. If I'm worrying about work, I don't have much leftover worrying for the situation with her.

~//~//~//~

Apparently, some people think that I need a work dominatrix. I have no problem with this.

~//~//~//~

This afternoon's birthday celebration feels hollow. I'm not in a good mood. I'm not doing well at work. I'm just not at a place to enjoy cake this afternoon. Yet, I will try to act happy and smile and say "thank you" and feast on tasty, sugary goodness. I have no choice. I must. (It is a difficult burden.)

Sometimes someone at work will ask me how I'm doing. These days I usually reply with a monosyllabic grunt of some denomination that reflects the merest iota of my current state. Occasionally I'll also make a face in conjunction with said monosyllabic grunt. Surprisingly, this counts as a valid response to their question.

~//~//~//~

Filed a continuation that was sort of due today. (Filed it in lieu of a RCE at the 6 mo. date of a Final OA for which the Examiner has assured a Notice of Allowance that is "stuck in processing.")

*whew* That's a mouthful.

ANYWAYS, I skimmed over some advice and comments at my favorite dating blog and had two interesting thoughts. The first was that she could be waiting for me to call her (and possibly wondering why I haven't). The second was that she could just not want to go out with me and hasn't told me yet.

As to the first, her canceling Tuesday night runs slightly counter to that. Even so, she may very well have been too tired for anything that night. As to the second, ummm, how should I know? The lack of communication doesn't really weigh in for one side or the other, as far as I can tell.

That's one area that I've been horrible at interpreting before – when to pursue and when not and how to pursue. Occasionally it's very easy, other times it's rather difficult.

~//~//~//~

Bleh. I'll quote Eva here:

In the dating world where some of us feel that there are too few victories and high points and so many disappointments, I think that a great date does mean something, and I think it means something that doesn’t need to be dismissed even if the outcome isn’t what we desire. I think a great date means that two people, at the very least, have good manners. It means that they value making people feel good and they enjoy having a good time. It may even mean that two genuinely good people have had the opportunity to meet each other. I agree that what a great date doesn’t mean is that there is a mutual connection, a mutual desire for a second date or a long term relationship. It just means that two people shared a pleasant time together. How can that ever be a bad thing? I haven’t always felt this way, but I’m now thankful for a fun date even if I never see the guy again. I just know that one day when that fun date turns into something more, I’ll be ready for it.

*sigh*

~//~//~//~

And that was today's installment. Maybe I should call her tonight? And schedule is another "thing." I know she's working these days until 7-8pm, so I wouldn't call her cell until 8-ish. Sheesh.

If there isn't a big, blinking neon sign staring me in the face, I may be useless here. (And I may be useless, even if there is a big, blinking neon sign staring me in the face.)

I'll call her tomorrow night. Maybe. Yes. No. Maybe. Ugh.

Meandering Mind

Boss stopped by my office this morning and gave me a mild rebuking. As such, and in response thereto, I am actually working a bit today. I think I respond better to sticks than carrots. Unfortunately, I cannot ask for, nor should I proactively seek, such motivating impetus from my employers.

~//~//~//~

Terribly bored while reading about power offsets and my brain suddenly jumps track, contemplating boardgame.girl, spinning into "Gee, I wonder what's going to happen." Part of me is anticipating "the worst," waiting for a Dear John e-mail from her. The extremely brief phone call last night did not provide much reassurance in combination with its negative.

Reminds me ever so briefly of the breakup with lawschool.girl, where I knew it was over at least 3 days before we met and declared it dead. I spent each of those nights at the local pub, drinking myself drunk with a different friend. The only good part concerning the intermediate period was that by the time I met up with her, I was ready to discuss the matter unemotionally.

I don't anticipate the same occurring here. I don't expect that things are already over before they've had a chance to begin. But I can't help but contemplate such. My mind naturally considers different viewpoints and potential directions for the future. Give me a scenario and I will instantly ponder the potential outcomes and choices available. My musings range from light to dark, though I tend to dwell on the dark more than the light, perhaps.

~//~//~//~

For what it's worth, most of the posts these days are written over a span of hours, hence their length and breadth (and randomness). The thoughts are in (general) sequential order.

~//~//~//~

I just realized that boardgame.girl could locate this blog without too much trouble. Tangentially, by way of a boardgame group's organizational website and the e-mail address I used there, she could arrive here.

Uh oh.

Ummm... well, if she does and I learn of it, so be it.

I just checked and, as far as I can tell, she hasn't found it yet. I'm going to blithely continue with my thoughts and descriptions, at least for the time being. I already would not reveal anything intimate or that I otherwise suspect she would not want to be revealed. If she arrives and finds my thoughts laid bare, whatever. I think I would share them with her regardless if she ever asked.

That's one thing. I've been more honest with her in the brief time I've known her than I am with most other people, including some friends. I haven't hidden anything or otherwise held back. I've been myself and I believe that's been a good thing.

~//~//~//~

I look at my cell phone to see if I've missed any calls or text messages, fold it up and put it away.

~//~//~//~

Have I mentioned before how I'm occasionally prone to such mood swings? High to low, low to high.

Instead of wondering and worrying, both activities which I often enjoy and pursue, I could chose to be positive and upbeat about the whole thing. I really could. This is where my suspicion of negative/darker tendencies may bear out.

~//~//~//~

I am having a terribly difficult time finishing up these stupid claim amendments. I really, really find the instant work to be boring. My brain hurts from the inanity. I'm trying to finish it, to just do the work, but it's painful.

Don't surf boardgamegeek. Don't check your e-mail again. Don't click over to another website and see if there are new replies. Stop typing this post. Go. Do. Your. Work.

~//~//~//~

Finished it. Sent the e-mail. *whew*

~//~//~//~

About 10-20 min. ago, I had a flash of insight. I thought: "Well, if there's a chance for boardgame.girl to find my blog in that manner, I wonder what I can find in reverse." Guess what -- I found her blog!

She hasn't been regularly posting there, at least in 2008, but I found it. Well, technically I found both her old blog and her current blog. I didn't go beyond the front page of either because I realized that, if she's anything like me, she has the capability of obtaining stats for her blog(s) and could potentially determine (for herself) that I found her blog(s).

That sounds a little hard to follow. Let me try again: If she were to check, and assuming she has similar capabilities as me, she can already determine that I found her blog (though said determination would involve a little digging on her part). So I don't want to dig around her blog more right now and make such discovery further evident or apparent.

But wow. Talk about putting your money where your mouth is. (I think that's the right expression?) My first reaction was literally: "Oh shit! There's a good chance she'll find my blog!" Followed by: "I better pull those posts I wrote and apologize for the editing." Then I thought: "But wait. In today's unpublished ravings, I wrote that I would be okay with her reading this. Am I? If so, the posts stay up."

And I am. I'm okay with it. I don't write anything here that I wouldn't otherwise want associated with me. That's my filter.

So I'm going to leave things where they lie. I'm a bit antsy about it, but if she finds this place, so be it. It should prove that I'm just as crazy human as she is (judging from some of her old posts, hehe).

But wow. That's an unexpected jolt of reality and perspective. Must remember for the future. I write things and people can read them. It's easy to forget how ubiquitous the Internet has become and how everything is interconnected. I assume certain people haven't read what I post here. I cannot safely make assumptions like that, certainly not with anyone intelligent and/or computer-savvy (both of which, ostensibly, boardgame.girl is, not to mention cute, witty and charming -- just to cover my bases in case she reads this).

Wow.

==END TRANSMISSION==

Non-happening?

So boardgame.girl called me at 7:45pm, when she got out of her meeting. She's tired so no meeting up tonight. We'll talk later this week. She'll be at the Saturday gaming.

This is where my insanity starts to shine. See, paranoia is wont to set in with thoughts like "maybe something's wrong" or "maybe she doesn't want to see me" or "this thing's already gone South."

I got her call while I was sitting in a Starbucks, drinking coffee and reading a book, waiting for her to call. Those were my first thoughts. Shit. Is this non-thing already a non-happening?

But then, as I drove home by way of the mall (had to snag Sweeney Todd, which came out today), I thought to myself: "Wait just a second. She was into me last night. I know that. From the conversation, her body language, her smile. I have no regrets about anything I said or did last night. I went for it and it worked." I smiled to myself. "Even if this did go South, I did nothing wrong and I have no regrets." If anything is wrong, it's on her end.

Maybe she's just tired. I certainly am. It's been 4 nights in a row of minimal sleep (5-6 hours per night). Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Get some sleep. Let this marinate. The ball is in her court. I know what I want here. I may not know where my career is going, but I know what I want here. With no reservations, few if any doubts, I know.

I also know that some of the above sounds like transference - "it's not me, it's her" - but I honestly believe that. I'm game for this. For the first time in a long time, I'm ready.

That's something else. It happened with the lawschoolgirl (whom I briefly dated for 5-6 weeks during my second year of law school) - I tumbled fast and was too insistent, too ready. If and when I fall, I fall. No pause, no parachute, I fall. With lawschoolgirl, it was.. too much for her. I was ready to spend time with her, to make it something immediately, and she wasn't. Not at all. She needed her space and I could not brook that.

I don't think that's a big issue here. There's lots of space. But then again, tonight would have been the third night in a row. (It sort of just happened like that.) I dunno.

So we'll see what happens. I have gaming on Wednesday and Thursday, and I believe she has meetings or some such those nights. I'll either wait for her to call or I'll call her on Friday, see how her week went? I dunno. I'm bad at starts and I'm even worse at the middlings, the indeterminate periods. Ah Hell, I'm bad at all of this crap. We shall see what we shall see.

How Do I Fix My Head OR Reality is relative. (Who Will Save Us Now)

Was listening to the album 'The Needles The Space' from Straylight Run. Loving it as always.

Head's a little wonky from last night. A bit tired. We had some Korean attorneys visiting today, an unusual occurrence.

Happy April Fool's Day!

More Notes

Re: last night

It was very lightly drizzling out. Around 12:20 am-ish. The world collapsed to the moment. Lasted around 15-30 sec. or so? (Not that brief.) After, looked at each other and said "goodnight."

When I said what I did, she was taken completely off guard. Surprise evident on her face. Closely (only a second or two?) followed by a "yes," after which we approached each other.

In 21, there's a scene where, sitting next to Kate Bosworth on the subway (Boston), the main character (Jim Sturgess) leans in to kiss her and she's surprised, taken back and declines. With that in mind (for some reason), I didn't want to just try the "lean in" at her door. Not sure I like that technique (a la Hitch) nor did I want to put her in that position (per se). So I went for courage instead. Not sure where I found the courage. I just sort of blurted it out when we had nothing left to say to each other.

But it worked. It was weird and brave, and unusual I think, but it worked. She knows I can be very random. Around her, I tend to be wry and witty and observationally random. Sometimes she chimes in, sometimes she laughs.

The signs. We were chatting a little outside her building while it very lightly drizzled (a bit more than misting). She didn't make a quick move to go in. She paused, first to talk and then at the brief pause that I jumped on. Had her keys in hand. But paused. Not sure what she was expecting me to do, if anything. Maybe.. well, maybe she was consciously or unconsciously creating an opportunity for me, e.g., for a "lean in" or for something akin to what I said? But she was visibly surprised. Hmmm.

The lead up was me driving us back to her apt. I did a u-turn and pulled up at the curb in front of her door (maybe 10' from her door). I said that I'd walk her to her door and turned off the car. (She made some comment about getting mugged or such in the distance from the car to her door.) She must have known that I would "try" something. Maybe that was why she paused? Not expecting me to do what I did exactly, but knew I would do something?

I'm in like at the moment. Not obsessing. Not imagining. One interesting point is that her location is very fluid. Come July, she's moving to MA for a production. Thereafter her whereabouts are currently unknown. She has choices, including Indiana and Stamford, so she may or may not come back to the area. Undecided as yet. She's been very up front about that and the fact that she moves around a lot, from theatre to theatre, show to show. The Stamford gig was relatively longer, lasting about a year. Me, I'm just taking this as it goes. We'll see what happens in the future, but I'm not worrying about it yet.

Was questioning whether to post this publicly or leave as a draft (such that it would be unavailable to the public but I could read it). Decided to post publicly. Will not remain as the top post on the page. I think the above comments are interesting and lay out more context for things. Not terribly dangerous. Private but not inherently so and not really telling of much beyond my impressions. If things progress further, you can expect such to not be detailed here.

Woot!

Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Food + much conversation followed by a movie (21). Afterwards, dro--oh Hell, we kissed! (Yay!) At her door (walked her to it), after some chatting. I was all suave with "So is this the part where I get to kiss you?" Caught her off guard (completely), but I was confident I was reading the signs correctly (thank you Hitch). She said "yes" and then we kissed. A goodnight kiss but not a peck. Not nothing but something.

She's going to call me tomorrow night when she's done with her meeting. Tentative plan to meet up for boardgames.

I really need to watch expenditures with her, though. She says and is a starving artist. I covered most of tonight's expenses (food, drinks at movie theater) and let her get the tickets (she offered), but I realized afterwards comparatively how much that cost her. That was why I offered boardgames for tomorrow - no expense. Can't go out every time. Fortunately we can play games.

And kiss! Incidentally, that would be my first kiss in.. over 4 years? Yeah.

Oh, in our dinner conversation I told her that I live at home and why. It felt like the right time and I wanted her to know that before anything happened. Friends have told me to get the girl to fall for me before I tell her and, well, I think this was pretty close to that.

Is it a bit sad that I'm blogging this before I go to sleep? Don't answer that.

Yay! And that's all I have to say about that.

Long Weekend

Had a fun weekend chock full of board games.

[Incidentally, and ostensibly, as per the wonderful world of Google, the word(s) "board game" are not, in fact, usable as "boardgame," contrary to my usage to date. Mildly annoying since, in my exceedingly humble opinion, the word(s) "boardgame"/"board game" could be interpreted as a compound word or as an adjective and noun. I think I shall retain my usage in the face of... ummm... idiocy?]

Friday, I hit ConnCon and played until 1:30am. Taught Glory to Rome to one player that afternoon. I was back on Saturday at 11am and played 'til 1:30am, talking with the ConnectiCon guy until 2:30am. Back on Sunday at 10:30am, played until 7pm (with +1 hour break for the closing ceremony).

Afterwards on Sunday, I hung out with boardgame.girl at her apartment. We played 2 games and spent about an hour just talking. Made plans to meet up tonight and tomorrow night.

Before this weekend, my week looked fairly clear with only my weekly Wednesday RPG. Now, I'm seeing boardgame.girl on Monday and Tuesday and I was invited to a smaller Thursday boardgame group. Busy, busy, busy.

On top of that, I didn't feel too well this morning. Only 5.5-6 hours of sleep each night for the past 3 nights plus questionable and intermittent eating this weekend. I suspect I'll be fine once I have some real-ish food in me (i.e., after lunch, I hope). [After lunch, I do feel a bit better. Still tired and yawning, but better.]

I'm looking forward to tonight. We're planning on getting some food. Beyond that, could be more games, could be a movie, who knows! I'm getting a good vibe from her. It seems like we both like hanging out together – playing games and talking. She laughs at my jokes, I laugh at hers, etc.

My problem now, at this juncture, is what to do next. I hate all the metagaming and how slow these things go, but then I inevitably screw it up in some fashion, even if only by underestimating how fast I should go. Which invariably leads to me questioning my instincts and/or the questions themselves. The ensuing self-doubt and lack of confidence reinforces all of the previous. It's a vicious cycle that's taken years to perfect and, in fact, constitutes a metagame within the metagame.

Don't ask me to even attempt an explanation/translation of that last sentence.

So I suppose we'll see what happens. How I feel, how she acts, what we do, what transpires, the metagame within the metagame. I'm game.

Hmmm. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting her body language and nonverbal signals. Or perhaps I'm not. Is there a "good" way to decisively learn? I keep forgetting to try some mirroring, though I suspect I do some unconsciously, regardless. Man, I stink at this, largely due to inexperience, I think.

In any case, further updates as events warrant.

Friday Woots

I am in a good mood today!

Leaving work a little early for ConnCon. Teaching one game, playing others. Boardgame.girl will be there later on.

Got a decent night sleep and feel somewhat better for it. (Wednesday night was relatively late, on top of Thursday's non-earliness.)

Heck, I even said "Have a nice day." to the cute girl who works on my floor. (Occasionally see her around, never said anything to her. She looks Russian/Eastern European and has an accent.)

Nothing super-critical is due today at work (afaik).

I may have a slight overdose of caffeine right now (I get twitchy and my hands shake a bit), but I'm sure lunch will fix that (food or non-coffee drink usually does).

I'm really in a good mood. Let's see if it lasts.

Saturday

Hung out with some law school friends at an annual Holy Saturday fest that a family has. I could explain that better but I won't. Had a great time. Always fun to see friends. Afterwards, went to Greenwich and hung out with some of them a bit more.

It's a little funny. I don't hang out with any of them on a regular basis - 2 couples because they live a distance from the area. 1 couple, well, there's no good reason since they only live about 25 min. away from me. Have to try and meet up with them in a week or two.

Side note - J recommended that I ask boardgame.girl out bowling rather than to dinner. Sounds like good advice to me. More casual, more relaxed, more in line with the boardgame playing to date. I think I'll take his advice and try it.

Most/all business are closed today. I'm at work right now, hoping to get 1 item done. At least I have some frozen meals here. No one else is here. I like coming in to work on Christian holidays.

It's a small pet peeve of mine that the U.S. celebrates some Christian holidays as national holidays, but no holidays of other religions or faiths. I realize some of that is because there are so many Christians that the business would effectively be closed anyways, but it just doesn't feel right to me, and certainly doesn't feel like a separation of church & state. (For a broad reading of the term, perhaps.)

In any case, I like coming into work on Dec. 24 or such. I feel empowered. Plus, I feel like it helps balance for the occasional day I take for a Jewish holiday. I don't take them often, and most of the time it's more like a Saturday/Sunday that I don't come into work for, but it's a working theory.

Well, time for me to eat or work or do something else.

Last Night

..was a late night.

Met up with boardgame.girl about 10:45 at a localish coffee place. We played 2 games there, until midnight when it closed. I followed her to her apartment, where we resumed boardgame playing. In total, 3 games of Race, 1 Blue Moon City, 1/3 Galaxy Trucker and 1 Glory to Rome. I left at 4:45am. Like I said, a late night.

T'was a lot of fun! The part I particularly enjoyed was when we stopped playing Galaxy Trucker in the middle. I'd finished explaining the rules (took longer than I expected) when, for some reason, we didn't start playing. Instead, we got to talking - about books/authors, movies, theatre, etc. Learned a bit about each other. That part, which lasted quite a while, felt like a relaxed date. We share the same taste in books and movies, though she's more well-read than I am and I'm more well-watched (movie-wise, probably TV-wise too) than she is. It's fairly well balanced. We have many similar interests, similar tastes. It was pretty cool.

The only downside, and it's a minor one barring repetition, was that she kept receiving and answering texts on her phone. I haven't seen her do that at a boardgame meetup and she professed it was very unusual for her, so a minor thing.

I can also sense a small rift based on income. She's a starving artist, I'm a patent agent. I'll have to watch that - if/when we do go out, I'll have to try not to wine & dine too much. Make it more occasional, more low key. Ditto on purchases, or at least on relating all my procurements (which are more numerous than they should be). More and more, this is making me think that I have it really good with my job and income, much more so than I appreciate.

Quick note. This location seems to be more of a temporary gig for her. She tends to move around a lot, from theatre to theatre, as she has shows to do. This summer, she's going to be in MA. This upcoming week, she's on Long Island. Her current show in Fairfield County is ending at the end of March, which means she'll have more free time coming up, at least in early April (rehearsal schedule instead of show schedule - means free nights instead of free days). This also means I won't see her again until next Friday, boardgaming at ConnCon.

So my current "plan" (as it were) is to send her an e-mail about what movies she'd like to borrow from me and plan on seeing her on Friday night. At that time, ask her if she's coming back to the Con on Sat. or Sun. When I do see her that last day/night (or maybe before), ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner some night in the first week of April (possibly stating "on me" or "my treat" or such). I don't have a restaurant in mind, maybe I'll think about possibilities this week, have some options going in. Hopefully she says yes and we go from there.

Incidentally, haven't told her yet about my living situation. That will come, at some point.

I know what I'm about to write next doesn't really mean anything because until she says yes to a real date there's no hard evidence, but I'm going to write it anyways. Why? Maybe because I'm hopeful. Maybe because I like to remain optimistic. Maybe because.. I really don't know for sure and I want to grasp and hold onto any shreds of alleged evidence, real or imagined. Besides, it keeps with my regular pattern for how these things go.

Good signs: Exchanging phone numbers. Agreeing to meet up (just us) for boardgaming. Meeting up for boardgaming rather spontaneously. Going to her apartment at midnight to continue the games. Talking for a bit without boardgaming. Similar interests and tastes, including sense of humor.

So we'll see what happens. Stay tuned, intrepid readers, when next week we discover if she'll *gasp* go out on a date with me! (Keep your fingers crossed!)