Friday, July 29, 2005

The Late Night Report

I've been drinking more or less since my last post. I did stop drinking at some point a while ago so I'm sobering up these hours. Was fun to hang out with friends. Half Door, Braza, Half Door, Spigot. Certainly made the rounds.

Today was interesting. The dynamics of the Connecticut day were *completely* different from New York. The half-hour essays changed things a lot. Some of the essays even felt facile in their simplification while others felt enormous in their scope. "Discuss all potential theories of liability." Riiiiight. In speaking with friends tonight, not one of us could agree what the subject was of one of Connecticut's essays, number 11. Very amusing. 5 people, 5 different topics, none obviously wrong or misplaced. So the Connecticut exam was both easier and harder. Only time (and test results) will prove which weighed in more.

My hand hurt horribly today. One hour into the morning session - lots of pain. 10 min. into the afternoon session - lots of pain. Ouch. At least it's over.

In a nonsequitor.. One of my growing concerns has been my disquiet with my own laziness, my own sense of a lack of direction or purpose. I was talking with two friends tonight, outside the Spigot. They said some things that rather hit home with me. One of the things one of them said was to reiterate the freedom we possess, the choices available to us. I don't know if that's what's been bothering me but it made me think long and hard. What I really want to do is get out of here. Leave Connecticut behind and go find a life somewhere else doing whatever. Really just find my way in the world, figure some things out for myself in a place I can't be right now and a way I can't foretell. So I'm going to mull this over for the next month or so. Maybe instead of looking for a legal job or a local job or whatever, I need to do what I can while I still can, while I have the freedom to do it. Maybe go to York, England and just live there a while, find a job and just live. It has tremendous appeal to me on a very fundamental level. It feels good. It's also scary and I can't imagine pitching the idea to my mom. That's why I want a month to ponder, to see what I come up with. This may be the only chance in my life I get to really be free, really get to act on my desire to just do something. I don't know.

One other thing I wish is that my dad were still around to talk this over with. Even though I don't know it and I have no way of guessing this, I feel like he must have had some similar desire, some wanderlust in him. Maybe it's just wishful thinking but it feels right, it feels like something he would have understood if he were still here. Something he might have appreciated and recognized.

For the first time in a while, part of me is calm with this idea, this theory, this notion of somehow appeasing my own wanderlust, of striking out on my own and proving something to myself. I don't know if I can do it. When the one friend mentioned this point, the other friend out there expressed how maybe she lacked the courage to follow through on something like it. I know I don't I don't think I lack the courage. I'm just not sure this is what I need to do, what I should do. But I'm pretty sure, even now, that it's something I want to do.

Well, I have a month or so to really ponder this idea. I can pretty much guarantee that I'll give it some good mulling over. And it feels like, even now, the sort of crazy thing that I want to do. That I need to do. I wonder if I can or will...