Friday, June 24, 2005

What Is It?

Apologies in advance for this post. In advance, I can say it's one of my more honest ones. More about me than you usually get. It's kind of funny, I always keep some part of me walled off from the world. I don't like to show all my cards so to speak. What's in that part of me I don't tip? It's hard to say. Sometimes I'm very random, throwing out lines that are amusing to myself and almost no one else. Those come from that section, as do my more random movie lines and associations. The way my mind works is through assoications. For example, I don't carry literal definitions of words. Rather, I associate words with sensations, thoughts, inferences, instinct. I recognize negative bases and have "senses" of words. This works for me and works quite well. An offshoot is my memory for movie lines and my likelihood to throw out lines and references at odd times. A lot of the time I rein in the references and don't verbalize them, because I know it's a bit much.

And the original direction of this post has been unwittingly hijacked. Not that that's a bad thing. My original direction had been more depressing, more.. self-pitying. This is better.

So I have this 'hidden' section to myself, as I like to think. It's the part of me that thinks I could be / could have been an excellent evil genius only somewhere along the line I chose to be good rather than bad. I've always held that to truly be good, to truly know good, you also have to be well acquainted with evil and know it just as intimately.

And I lose my thread again.

I guess the overall point here is that none of us truly know another. We don't know who they are, what they think, what makes them really tick. It's an unsettling thought, that no matter how close you get to someone you can never really know them.

I think what scares me, personally, even more is that I don't feel as though I know myself. I'm not positive that law is where I want to, what I want to do with my life. Then I've got a lot of unresolved things with law school yet and it bothers me that this doesn't bother me more. I've always tried to be good at controlling my fears or at least my response ot fear. But that's also a bad thing because if you're not afraid of failing then you lose the drive that keeps you from falling. I don't know where my drive went. I'm not even sure any more if I ever had that drive. I floated through high school then through college, getting by on my natural abilities rather than working very hard for my grades. I've always been rather apt so I've never felt like it's taken serious, concerted hard work for me to accomplish the goals set before me. I seriously don't feel like I've been challenged. I guess law school could have challenged me had I really wanted to rise to the occasion but I didn't and it didn't.

I think I'm lost.

I feel like I'm missing my direction. Like the road I'm headed down is not my own though it is the one I've chosen. But if not that road then what?


Just caught the Robot Chicken episode I must have missed Sunday night. Time to turn in. Tomorrow Night: More deep philisophical discussions such as: If a BarBri student falls in the forest, do the woodland creatures dispose of the body or find it to repulsive to consume? Inquiring minds want to know!!!