Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Day After The Day After

Saturday and Sunday have come and gone. Went into work yesterday and got that application draft out. Didn't do all that much today, relaxed mostly. Even though tomorrow is a holiday, I'm going in to work. Need to get things done and I'm going to take Friday off to go to Toronto with movie.girl (we're going to see 2 shows of Evil Dead: The Musical). Haven't spoken with either partner yet.

Upon further contemplation, I may have overstated my likelihood of being fired. We're short-staffed as it is, and they kind of need me to work. On the other hand, I can't screw up any more because if I do then they really will shitcan me. So maybe I didn't overstate anything? Maybe they just wanted to put the fear of G-d in me (which, if that was indeed their goal, they successfully instilled).

I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough not to fail. I managed to pull law school together and graduate. I managed to not totally screw up my life thus far. But this is really bad and there's a nagging shred of self-doubt that wonders if I can do this - if I can pull it together or keep it together. And I don't have an answer for that. Only time will tell and I am scared shitless that it will show me to be a failure.

Sometime yesterday or today I had this brief thought of "Boy, I wish my dad were still around. I think he would understand." See my dad was unemployed for 3 years in a row. He spent his time sitting around the house, watching TV, playing some Tetris on the computer. At the time, I didn't understand why he didn't go out and get a job, any job, just to bring income in if nothing else. I still don't think I really understand, but I'm a lot less critical now. I might have an inkling of how he felt (or at least I can imagine I do). It would have been cool if he was around to talk about this with me.

I can't talk about it with my mom. For some reason, I just feel like she wouldn't understand, at all. I'm sure she'd be supportive, at least somewhat, but--well, she wouldn't support me being a lazy ass and that's what it feels like it boils down to.

It's really hard for me to get up in the mornings, to get ready and go to work. Most mornings I really just don't want to. I want to lay in bed (and many mornings I do that for 15-60 min.). I want to not go to work.

See, it's not the direct consequences of my actions that really bother me. They're bad and horrible and rotten, but they're only the symptoms of something else, something deeper. It's that sense of... inertia that bothers me. That part of me that doesn't want to get up or doesn't want to do work or doesn't feel like doing anything. That's what really bothers me and that's what causes the rest to occur.

Bah, I'm just babbling at this point. Time to head to bed and get some sleep for tomorrow's work. I might yet catch a movie tomorrow night - depends how work goes. I'm thinking that if I can make it through the next 4 days and do my work, maybe I can wait until early April. Maybe I can pull it together myself or at least manage an acceptable approximation thereof. If so, I'm betting it'll be painful and extremely difficult, well, it'll be that way regardless of my success or failure. *sigh* To sleep, perchance to dream.