Monday, February 11, 2008

Crap Crap Crap (aka The Descent Into Madness)

At work this morning, I screwed up a bit and, more significantly, really pissed off one of the main partners (the one I work with). Further to my previous post, I am screwing up more these days, not less.

This is bad. Really bad.

My goal was to make it another year. I'm not sure I can do that / that it will happen. It's become a matter of what they're willing to put up with from me. And so far, in the past 8-10 weeks, my situation/performance has not improved as it needs to.

I'm having problems. I can't articulate them – the best I can do is describe the symptoms. I don't know why they exist for me, though I have a few notions/ideas. I hesitate to put either down in words here and will refrain from doing so, for now. You'll have to forgive the generalities in view of the foregoing.

Sometimes I wonder if/how much my ulcerative colitis affects any of this. But then I recall that I had some similar mental processes and/or tendencies prior to any diagnosis of UC (i.e., in high school, college, law school).

My head is so messed up for work and my backlog is so massive and the items so urgent that it makes me want to cry. I know how to "fix" things or, more accurately, how to start making things "right," but I seem unable to actually follow through with any of it.

Why can't I focus on my work? Why? What is wrong with me? Aaaarrrrgghh.

I wonder if I'm not headed for some sort of nervous breakdown. I've always prided myself on being a rock, on being steady and calm even in the face of--

I'm staring at the computer screen, trying to will the words to make sense. I'm trying to will my brain to work. "Come on, brain. Work!" It's just not happening. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm sitting at my desk, the lights are on, but nobody's home.

[Time lapse]

Better now. Calmer. Head racing less, able to focus more. Better.

Two thoughts. I wonder if I have ADD. I wonder if it's at all related to my eating (eating pattern, food consumption, nutrition, whatever).

Slight headache at the moment.

I think I'll make an appointment with my GP and see what he thinks.

I'm having a really hard time keeping things together. On the plus side, only 20 min. to lunchtime.

[Time lapse.]

The other partner just came in and talked to me. Today was the second conversion I almost missed and that's really unacceptable. Also, my hours for Dec. and Jan. were low. I really had no answers for him. He asked that I go through my office/docket and see what else is coming up in that vein.

He also came back in to let me know that we have a patent agent with 3 years experience starting up with us in late March and a fresh recruit (straight out of law school) joining us in August. Hopefully that will help with the workload.


This is going to be a really long post by the time I post it. (Assuming I do, which is likely.)

Tried the doc twice – line was busy both times.

Worst part about all of this is that it's self-reinforcing. I don't do my work, I feel bad about it, I get depressed a bit, I still don't do the work and now I feel even worse for knowing how much more urgent and costly it is (costly for being late and firm covering late fees).

Line free... appointment made for Thursday.


Well, I finished up the draft application I was working on (more-or-less). It's not complete but I'm done for today. I really don't know what's wrong. Wish I did. I just know something isn't right and it's definitely interfering with work (and probably has been for a long, long time). And I can't keep on like this. Hopefully Thursday will yield some ideas or at least get us started on finding some.

(Incidentally, I may redact the entirety of this post sometime in the future. I know posting this on my blog is probably not in my best interests. Even so, it is here. For now.)