Monday, May 26, 2008

Watch, Read, Play

I spent today being nonproductive. In my search for nonproductivity, I sought to do nonproductive things. Unfortunately, as is customary with Sundays, I get frustrated and wander aimlessly because I don't want to do the nonproductive things that are available to me.

Watch, Read, Play.

I can watch TV or a DVD. I can read a graphic novel. I can play a game, computer or video.

That's all I've got. No need to go shopping and spend money - did that yesterday. No one to call to meet up. Nowhere to go. Watch, Read, Play.

So I spent the majority of today watching an NCIS marathon on USA and/or reading a graphic novel while NCIS played in the background.

Very nonproductive but also fairly non-fulfilling. It wasn't all that much fun, though I did get through 1.5 graphic novels. But the day is nearly done and time for sleep is approaching. Soon I won't worry about finding things to do, I'll be unconscious.

Sadly, that's the terminus and it is not a stretch to say it equals the rest of the day.

Friday, May 23, 2008


I see things other people create and I want to create something. I recognize and appreciate art on some primal level. I revel in it, even. But for some reason I am pegged as a consumer, a voyeur, and not as an artist. Music, movies, television, comic books, novels. I consume but I do not produce.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. There are a few feeble attempts at artistry. Misbegotten sketched scenes for layouts that will never bear fruit. Brief beginnings for stories without plot. Half-formed ideas of grand design that will never be wrought. Every now and then the bug bites me and I am consumed by a need to do something artistic. This bears no fruit, merely the remains of unskilled, half-formed efforts that are not worth the materials expended.

I am no graphic artist for my sketches are misshapen objects of pity. My eyes see many things, both there and imagined, but I am ill-equipped to translate them. I fear I am no writer. With practice, perhaps I could aspire to a mediocre tale of places and beings, perhaps more. But I fear my efforts would be for naught and I suspect this restrains me. I know how to frame a shot, what makes for a good photograph, though I have no desire to pursue photography beyond mere point-and-click. Music is a friend, a lover, a passion. Though I lack the background, and the inclination, to compose, music I enjoy is a true delight.

I am an artist without a medium. There is something I could create, of that I am positive. It is simply that I have yet to find my method of translation. My mind can conjure up a thousand and one images in a second. If only I knew what to do with them, how to share them.

Until I decipher my riddle, I continue consuming. Every vision absorbed, every story unfolded, every image considered fuels my imagination. Music, movies, television, comic books, novels. I consume and enjoy (but I do not produce).

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A Difficult Conversation

Courage. Anonymity. Escapism. Conversation. Summary.

Courage. I wish this post was about courage. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not more courageous than the average person based on my willingness to try new things or broach topics or address things head on. But I'm also woefully deficient in other realms, such as dating and moving out of my mom's house and my career. On the whole, I figure there's some balance between the two that evens out over time.

Anonymity. Sometimes I wish this blog was anonymous. There is much more I could or would say if I knew it wouldn't come back to me. There would be posts about recent doctor's visits and such. There would be more posts about my goals or lack thereof. There would be posts about desires and fantasies and dreams. Instead, posts are plainer with more superficial topics and less commentary. At times more like a public diary than a conversation or conversation starter.

Escapism. I probably am mired in escapism. Between the games (board and video), the books (graphic novels and novels), and the viewing (movies and television), a significant portion of my time and attention is spent in other realms. But is that a bad thing? I would argue it is not, that it is another outlet for imagination and creativity, not to mention education. Losing your sense of wonder and not being inquisitive would be far greater crimes.

Conversation. And all of the above has very little to do with the main subject of this post, though they are probably more interesting. Since this blog is not anonymous, I will only provide the merest of description. Today, I had a difficult conversation with my bosses, one in which I related my recent doctor visits. They appear to be very supportive, as I thought/hoped they would be given the fact that I am still employed by them (a marvel in and of itself). I just wonder where things go from here, other than the inevitable "onwards."

Summary. A few random observances that are not so random to me. A passing note to mark a not-so-minor, but brief, discussion. A wandering post from a wandering mind. I assure you, it makes sense to me.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

"Time Is [Not] On My Side"

Yes it is! (link)

Not much exciting in the weeks since my previous post.

The new car is running well. Love her to death. Even cleared out a space in the garage for her. I think it's the first time we've parked two cars in the garage. Gave movie.girl a short ride in her last weekend. She said that as a passenger she liked it better than the Buick. I pressed her for a reason why, and she answered that the "coolness factor" was probably it. For example, no plastic fake-wood grain. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that the gas tank is small – only 14 gallons. I have to refuel more often than before.

Met up with movie.girl last weekend for the first time in 2 months. Hung out a bit, played some Guitar Hero and Rock Band, both first plays for me. Then met up with a new friend of her's (some guy she met somehow?) and the three of us watched Speed Racer (don't go see it) in Imax. Afterwards we got a burger at Wooden Tap and later on movie.girl and I picked up some cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I think we're supposed to meet up this weekend. I know I'm down to watch Indy on the Thursday night it comes out.

Hung out with boardgame.girl the first Monday this month. Didn't stay late, she was tired. More and more, I think my choice was a good one. I don't feel like going into that in any detail right now. Maybe another time (though I've said that before about this).

I've been going at the boardgames and almost-weekly Vampire (VtR) RPG. Bought some new (board)games in the past month. Tons more I'd like to buy. Hopefully I'll hold off until June before I place another big order. More boardgames tonight and tomorrow.

Okay, work. Work has not been going well this week. My focus and concentration have been shot. Not billing enough hours. Definitely not looking good. Last month wasn't so hot. This month doesn't look much better.

I've seen a doc or two for things. Not sure yet how much I want to go into that here. Also not sure yet if I'm going to tell my bosses. Plus side, could save me from being fired. Minus side, not sure I want to avoid being fired nor that I shouldn't be fired. Part of me is of the mind that I don't want to use anything as an excuse in order to prevent my being canned. I either do the work and belong here, or I don't and I'm dead weight – there's no place for excuses. Kinda weird. Also, I'm pretty sure that if I were to tell them, then they wouldn't or couldn't fire me and I don't want to impose that extra burden on them either – make them feel that they must keep me.

I'm in a sort of stasis period at the moment. I've been in one for a long time. At some point the bubble will break, whether it's by my employers firing me or by me leaving. I have this impression that it would be a good thing for me to go. I'm also positive that my future salary will be less than I'm making now and that's a little disheartening. I can afford the boardgames and car and expenses because I'm paid well. When that stops, I'll have to revise my spending attitude. It's nice to be able to afford things. Also, not sure I can go without health insurance. Also not sure what my next employment prospect would be.

So maybe it's not that life hasn't been interesting, but that not much has changed or improved, at least not yet. I'm hopeful for change/improvement. Furthermore, I'm hopeful that I can instigate some change/improvement. It just hasn't happened yet.