Thursday, January 31, 2008


Congrats go out to Cara & Dave on the recent birth of their son, Matthew!!! Yay you guys!

They are now officially the second pair of my law school friends to have a child.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Brilliant Observation

From a few moments ago: Sane people are asleep right now. Therefore, I must be not sane or insane.

More specifically, I am at work attempting to finish a provisional application draft that *must* go out. *sigh*

Friday, January 18, 2008

Wake Up Call?

Wow. I very nearly screwed something up today. As in I almost irrevocably fucked something up big time.

These days, something is wrong with me. I've accepted that. It primarily manifests as a distinct desire not to do work and a distinct lack of work output. Whereas the vast majority of people share such sentiments and still manage to have a productive work day, I do not.

I've been on & off with productivity for a while now. It is bad. I suspect my firm keeps me because: the work I do is very good; the work I do is very fast; I'm smart and capable; I have potential; I make them money; and the firm is short-staffed for attorneys. However, as soon as I start costing them money (which I'm almost to the point of) and/or start becoming a liability (which, apparently, I'm at), my tenure here is no longer certain.

I think I know what's wrong. I don't like my job. The people are great. My boss(es) are fantastic. The firm is wonderful. The compensation, while not actually competitive, is very nice. The benefits are good. There is no other patent firm I would rather be working for, truly. It's just I don't like my job.

I don't have another specific job in mind. I would love to work with graphic novels or books or toys or action figures. I'm not sure I have the background to transition into any of those fields, but I'll have to try at some point.

The real problem is that if I don't want to do something, very often I just don't do it or I put it off further and further. I did this in college and law school. I didn't just graduate from the latter, I survived it. Barely. For whatever reason, sometimes I have a big problem doing work that I don't enjoy. And I don't really know how to fix it. I tell myself things. I see problems looming. I say "this day will be different," but it isn't.

I thought I had a "wake up call" when I canceled meeting up with good friends in NYC due to too much work. Nope, didn't do it. But today, this morning, wow. So close to irrevocable failure that it was extremely bad.

I've written a version of this post at least 3 times before and never posted it. I don't like it when my blog devolves into emo rants and self-pitying or worrying. And honestly, I don't really worry all that much. But today was so bad, so very bad, that I couldn't withhold it.

See, no one knows me. No one sees what I actually do or how little I do. I keep so much of myself bottled up. I'm largely unhappy, but no one really knows that. I haven't actually told anyone. I complain about work and how much of it there is to be done, but I don't do anything about it. This also ties into the reason I'm not dating. If I'm not happy, if I'm not in a good place mentally, then how can I try to meet a woman and have a relationship? I'm in enough trouble as it is, I don't need to compound things or make myself any crazier. I just don't see how I can date until I figure out what to do with myself.

I'm tempted to set goals for myself. I recently paid off my credit cards, so my only sizable debt is my outstanding law school loans which really aren't bad. I'm starting to save up some money. I know a recession is on the way, and I'd like to save up more money before I attempt anything, so one theory is to tell myself that I'll stay at my current job for one year from the time I get my own apartment (which would match a 1-year lease). I have some not-insignificant expenditures on the horizon (possibly a new car, trip to England next Fall, weddings next Fall), so the more I can earn (and not spend), the better off I imagine I'll be.

I've heard people say: "Take the money. It's not worth a lower pay." But I don't think I really have much of a choice. I'm clearly unhappy here. I feel like other people would know that if they opened their eyes, but maybe it's not that apparent. I don't think I want to be a lawyer. Law school was the right move at the time, but I don't think law is what I want to do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped, though I know I'm only as trapped as I want to be right now (no S.O., no kids, no pets of "my own", no house or real estate). Sometimes I feel like... I don't know, like everything is wrong and I see things in a way that others don't and no one really "gets" me or sees what I see.

I see the rat race. I mean I see it, unfolding around me, encompassing me, trying to trap me as it has so many others. I like some of it – I like having money, not worrying about a budget, buying what I want and knowing I can afford it. I know that counts for an awful lot – it's a rare luxury. But I also know that I can't sustain it, not like this. And the fact that others encourage me to follow this path of career and unhappiness and life bothers me. I'm not worried that I'll let them down. I'm worried that I'll buy into it and settle for a life that I don't want in the slightest. And since I don't know what life I do want, it's all the harder to find my way.

I titled this blog "A Season of Mists." It was part homage to the illustrious Mr. Gaiman and part descriptive of how I felt. I still feel that way. I'm still trapped in a season of mists. I haven't found my home yet. I'm not ready to settle down, for this to be my life. I don't know where I'm headed or where I should be headed, I just know that this is only a stop along my way. I can't stay here indefinitely. I can't. I just hope I survive long enough to figure out what my next stop is and maybe, just maybe, where I'm headed.

So was this a wake up call? Did this morning's moment of madness mend my maladjusted mind? Considering I just wrote this thing, probably not. Hopefully I'll put my nose to the grindstone and get to work next week on my numerous nearly-deadly work items. I better. I'm a little too close to failure for my own comfort (and clearly I feel pretty comfortable around failure so that's saying something).

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


Congratulations go out to Rochelle-Rochelle and Greg-Man on their engagement! Greg-Man, you better save me a dance!

The Actuaries Are Multiplying!!!

(Well not really, but it sounded amusing in my head.)

Congratulations go out to The Actuary & Soon-To-Be Mrs. Actuary (f.k.a. gamer.girl, I think) on their engagement!

May your gaming & movie-watching be long-lived and plentiful!

Life in the Household

This past weekend, my mom had a date.

While this should not be unexpected, shocking or weird, it is, in fact, all three (for me at any rate). I've gone out on a few dates while living at home these past 2.4 years (1 blind date, 2 JDate dates), but I've been reluctant to strongly attempt any sort of dating at least partially due to my living at home with my mom (and dog, formerly dogs). I also don't talk about any of this with my mom. We've never spoken about my dating and I don't really expect to talk with her about hers. I generally find it to be uncomfortable.

In any case, she had a lengthy date on Saturday with some guy she met over eHarmony. I didn't really interrogate her about it, just hearing of the where's and what's more than the will-there-be-a-second-date sort of things. (The repeated comment was that he is quite a "talker" – as in talking a lot.)

I'm sure there's no small amount of irony here, but now I really feel like I need a place of my own. We've been slowly working on getting the house in condition to sell, but if my mom is dating, I don't belong under the same roof. I'm now hesitant to answer the phone if it's a number or name I don't recognize. I know she's likely told him of me, but has she told him I live at home? And I don't quite feel like broaching that one with my mom, particularly since she never really expected me to move out... ever. (Where that last sentence alludes to her surprise when I informed her that I would not be moving with her into the presumed condo she will next be inhabiting.)

It was all the more odd in that her date started that afternoon (around 1pm, say) and she didn't get home until 10:30-11:00pm. I was debating if/when I should call her cell. Do I worry that she hasn't returned home or called? Do I call her at 11pm? Midnight? The next day? It's a bit weird to be worrying about my mom like that as I haven't before. Part of me probably wants to move out because I can't handle meeting her dates, just as I can't handle my mom meeting mine.

Anyways, enough with the analysis. I need my own place. Pronto.

Next-Gen DVD Format Wars Coming to an End?

Big news – Warner (owned by Time Warner) has announced that later this year it's going Blu-ray exclusive. Some are suggesting that this is the deathknell for HD-DVD, the other competing next-gen DVD format.

While HD-DVD is far from dead (yet, anyways), I suspect that this announcement will be the (next) nail in the coffin. Personally, I'm happy if Blu-ray wins since PS3's come with a Blu-ray player and I will likely be purchasing a PS3 some time in the next foreseeable future. (I already bought 300 on Blu-ray, as well as on regular DVD.)

Saturday, December 8th

(I wrote this shortly thereafter and did not post it.)

This past Saturday, I had two interesting events planned – meeting up with law school friends (aka a Gathering) & my 10-year high school reunion.

The Gathering was alright. There were only seven of us there (including those under the age of 1) – Capt. Kate & Sneaky Pete & Adorable Anna, The Actuary & Soon-To-Be Mrs. Actuary, and movie.girl & myself. We had a good time – eating & talking, talking & eating. Lasted until 4pm-ish. Afterwards I hung out with The Actuary & Soon-To-Be Mrs. Actuary for a bit before driving back home. I'm glad we all met up though I'm also a little disappointed more people didn't show up. It was the first Gathering in 1.5 years. I'll set another one next year sometime.

The reunion was a mild exercise in pain. None of my friends showed up. None. So I spent my time there (all 2.5-3 hours of it) either talking with semi-random people or standing alone. I really didn't have anything to say to anyone. It was good to see a few people, but only a few – the ones who I was interested to hear about. As for the rest, I really just don't care.

Sometime on Saturday, and I can't recall if it was before or during the reunion, it dawned on me that except for a handful of people (friends and "interesting" people), I really just don't care about anyone there. "Hi, how are you? What are you up to? Where do you live? Oh, that's nice. Have a nice life." I just didn't care.

I don't think it's a fault of mine, per se, but rather a simple extension of my more pragmatic self. Sometimes I'm happy to ignore pragmatism and just role with things. But this time, that night, that reunion, I just couldn't bring myself to really take interest in more than a few people. As for the ones I didn't know and never knew and will never know, why would I inquire? I'll see them again in 10 years at the next reunion. *shrug*

I think one other guy there (not a friend) felt similarly. As I left, I said to him: "See you in 10 years." He replied: "See you there."

Useless Trivia

"The average smell weighs 760 nanograms." -- Snapple Raspberry White Tea Cap

So sayeth the Snapple. ("So say we all!")


I just ate a strawberry yogurt-covered pretzel and thought to myself: "Hey! This tastes like vomit!"

Maybe not the best "I have returned (maybe)" post, but I have additional posts on the way.