Friday, February 19, 2010


(Not a discussion of the seven deadly sins, thought it was fun to read about them at the link.)

I am probably one of the more envious people I know. I don't harbor the customary ill will that is perennially associated with envy, but I enjoy its excess on an almost daily basis.

I am envious of those who have picked a direction and followed through on it.

I am envious of those who have a complete life and are content with it.

I am envious of those in healthy relationships, those getting married, friends in happy relationships and friends getting married.

I am envious of those who are clearly not plagued by the questions and doubts that haunt me every day.

I am envious of those who like what they do and do what they like.

I am envious of those --

Wow. That.. that's.. that's a lot of self-pity right there, isn't it? It's part of my cycle. I don't want to deprive those of whom I am envious, I simply want what they have for myself. I don't begrudge these "other people" and I am, in fact, happy for them and their success. I begrudge myself my lack of success.

It's a Friday night in merry olde Connecticut. I am home with the dog, typing this at approximately 11pm, wondering.