Hello, Goodbye

Stayed late at work then went to West Haven for boardgames. I wasn't planning on it, but then I called boardgame.girl (to talk re my decision) and she was there and... So, I went there and played 2 games. Afterwards, chatted with her and two others. Walked her to her car. Told her I wanted to be friends. (Ugh, the dreaded "f" word!) And that was that.

We probably won't meet up for a while. Oh, I'll see her on Friday at a game night, but starting Sunday she's in her show schedule. That is, work from 6pm to 11pm, except for all day Saturday & Sunday and not on Mondays. Maybe we'll hang out again a week from Monday. Who knows.

On the whole, I feel good about it. Obviously not my first choice, but it should help clear my head a bit and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I won't waste (too many) cycles thinking on her. Plus, it opens me up again, for whatever that's worth.

Some time I'll post a positive outlook on this sort of non-thing. Honestly, it was a positive experience for me. It's easy to forget things I should not.

Times like this, I'm strongly tempted to be fatalistic. So it goes.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Etc., etc.

Got in to work about 20 min. ago due to various things, including a morning doctor's appointment and a leaking/flat tire that I discovered when I first arrived at work around 1pm. Must get to work now.

One year ago today.

Three years ago today.

Not A Difficult Question

Less than 15 min. after I put up the previous post, I realized that I knew the answer and had known the answer pretty much from the time the question was asked. It just took a bit for me to realize that. I spoke with movie.girl on the ride home afterwards, and, similar to that, the previous post (and possibly this one) was looking for confirmation of my decision.

But no matter that I want confirmation and approval, I don't need it.

The answer is easy, far easier than I let on. I like her too much for (a). I don't want to do (c) if I don't have to. The answer is (b2), as in hang out as friends but less often and with some clear boundaries.

I don't want a non-exclusive relationship with someone I really like. I may not know what I want in life or my career, but I know what I want with relationships. I also feel that it's a little insulting. "I don't want to date you, but you're still good enough for a non-committed relationship." I know that's not the intent, and I don't think I feel it (much), but it is a subtext. And I do enjoy pride - probably not my favorite of the sins, but it's certainly up there.

As for what I expected, I know what I expected. I always did. I wanted to date her until I couldn't. If she was moving away, fine, but until she did I was ready to go out with her, to go with it, and see what happened. I was not, and am not, ready for an open relationship.

Maybe I'm too traditional or conservative or what-not for that sort of thing. I feel that it just doesn't jive with me. And that's the essence of this. Know thyself. And I do, at least at this time, in this respect.

So no, it wasn't a difficult question. The difficulty lay in understanding my answer. Oh I'll be a bit sad over this, but it's also been a positive experience for me. Perhaps more on that another time.

A Difficult Choice?

Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Before, she had texted me that we needed to talk about "things." After a bunch of boardgames, we talked.

She doesn't want something serious or exclusive right now. For the first time in 2 years, she's at the bar hanging out most nights, meeting guys and going out on dates. She said it feels like she's living someone else's life. She's out of here in 2 months and she doesn't know where she's headed after MA.

She wanted me to know this up front so she wouldn't lead me on or such. I told her I appreciated her telling me. I also said that I'd be lying if I said I didn't want something serious. I asked a good question: Would I be fooling myself if I thought it could be exclusive in the future? She didn't know - it depends on if she comes back, but not in the next 2 months. I didn't give her an answer. Instead, I told her I'd need some time. I still kissed her before leaving.

If you're tempted to ask what non-exclusive means, don't. I don't know. I doubt she has a good idea of what it means, though I could easily be wrong.

I'm of 3 minds:

(a) Go with "it" whatever "it" is.

(b) Try to hang out with her as "just friends" and no more.

(c) Sever it. Cut bait and try not to look back.

See, I know what I want. I want a relationship, something serious, something meaningful. I've only been "going out" with boardgame.girl for a few weeks and, to be honest, I haven't fallen as hard as I could. I've tried to keep something in reserve. I didn't have any expectations per se, particularly knowing she's moving away in a while. I figured I'd just ride it out and see what happened.

But I can't have what I want. Not here.

And there's the kicker. I could go with (a) if only I didn't care. If only she was some random girl, someone I'd just met and hadn't already grown to like. Because I do like her for herself. Though she doesn't believe it, she is cool. She's the kind of geek I've been looking for. And I like her. I don't know that I have it in me for (a).

I also know that I don't like (c). I enjoy hanging out with her and playing games and such. It's fun and there's no one else around with whom I can do that, at least for the boardgames if not the more.

I could try (b). I know that the whole time I'd be hoping and/or waiting for her "to come to her senses." But I also know she probably wouldn't. It would be a waste of efforts/hope.

Maybe I do have it in me for (a)? Could I do it without seriously hurting myself in the end?

I have to make a choice this week - let's say by Friday (I'll see her Friday night at boardgaming).

I have more thoughts on this, but it's late and I need to sleep. Please feel free to provide suggestions, thoughts or ideas. I'll put up a birthday post later today.

Choices

I was working on a post titled "The End Is Near," but then, after pondering, I realized it's just whining. More griping about work and stress and my mom. That's it. It's not helpful or useful. Writing it isn't going to change anything. It's venting, but not in any capacity that could be construed as productive or positive.

Sometimes venting can be good. You express your feelings and clear the air, and your head. But I have a huge streak in me that likes to vent without concurrently accomplishing anything positive. I like to whine.

So you're not getting that "End" post. Instead, you're getting this one on choice.

I continually forget that I have choices. We all do. I can choose to be miserable and unhappy. I can choose to blame my job or my situation or my lack of motivation. I can choose to be mindless and without direction.

Or I can choose not.

I can choose to find happiness where I can. I can consciously choose to be positive and maintain a positive outlook, to find and see the best instead of the worst. I rarely do so, but that's not the point. The point is that I have a choice and I need to choose.

I am going to make a conscious effort to choose.

I either choose to do my work and catch up, or I choose to find a new job. No more half-assery. Choice.

I either choose to live at home, or I finally clean things up at home and move out, into a place of my own. Choice.

I either choose to eat better and get in shape, or I choose to deal with the consequences. Choice.

Too often, I do something because it is there in front of me. Because it is easy. Because it is "the next step." Because it is convenient. Not because I made a choice, but because I didn't make a choice.

"Begin each day as if it were on purpose!" -- Mary Anne Radmacher

All of the above could be a load of hot air. I am known for having minor epiphanies and promptly not following through on them. Heck, I'm known for not following through on things in general. But that's also symptomatic -- I don't choose and I don't do anything because of that.

So I need to start affirmatively making choices. Now.

Hello Troll Hunters!

Checking stats, let's see... 75 visits today.. 75 VISITS? Well, at least 48 of them were from searches relating to:

"Beloved by humans, envied by trolls." -- Honda (car commercial)

From this old post.

I find it amusing every time my visitor count jumps because of a cultural reference. By far, the biggest one is for Pop Rocks / Rock Toxin, a review I wrote over 3 years ago about an ABC made-for-TV movie starring Gary Cole. I'm in the top 10 of those search results and I know every time they air it 'cause my visitor count jumps sharply.

One of many things that amuses me.

In Brief

Played boardgames last night. Boardgame.girl was there and we played a few games together. I absolutely killed at Glory to Rome.

Going into the city today with my mom to see November, starring Nathan Lane.

Tomorrow, going into work. I'm still horribly behind and I'm not catching up. Hopefully this changes, though it's not looking good. I'm pissing off my bosses again (or still). Wonder if I'll make it to the end of April. (I did say the same thing about March.)

Monday night, meeting up with boardgame.girl. Since that's her day off, the theory is that she can nap during the day and will be well-rested for a change. Looking forward to it.

I'm beginning to wonder if the once-a-week thing isn't so bad after all. Not like I'm doing well at work. Also not like I don't have things outside of work with boardgaming. Moderate amount of activities to do and I probably don't need my week messed up more than it already is.

Eh. Even so, it's not like I wouldn't mind more. Rarely a question for things I really enjoy. More.

Time to run. Food. Then train. Then The City!

Truth In Advertising

(Random title.)

So, last night.

Picked boardgame.girl up around 7:35ish. We went to Joe's American Bar & Grill for food. That was mistake #1 and I really should have known better and been better prepared. Joe's has a horrible atmosphere. Good food, fair prices, but awful atmosphere. It's a wide-open area with wood floors that lets every sound echo and reverberate. Toss in a crying child or two and you have the makings of a quiet, intimate dinner.

I don't think I actually have any other mistakes to number for last night, but "mistake #1" seemed too good to pass up.

Conversation lagged initially. A few times early on, my head spun with: "What should we talk about? What should I say?" I suspect some of that was from us meeting up after equally long days, but who knows. We did find our groove, however, so things went well after that and the conversation was unceasing.

Afterwards, went back to her apartment. Glass of wine while playing three games of Race, two of which I won. She was yawning here & there, not really focused on the game very well. Talked briefly after the third game & then transitioned to the movie, Enchanted.

I'd brought a few different types of "good" movies with me, but it turned out she'd seen half of them already. It was kind of weird that she'd seen half of them in view of her avowed not-much-movie-watching. We figured that either spoke to us having similar tastes in movies or her having good taste in the movies she sees (I lobbied for both).

So, watching the movie on a small TV in her bedroom, sitting on her bed together. She's trying hard not to nod off. About 30 min. in, I suggest we table the movie and she go to sleep. After the second or third time I say that, she agreed. (She was very tired.) Called it a night around 11:45pm.

After last night, I feel pretty unhopeful about this thing. One big reason: Time. She doesn't have any. Tuesday night was her one free night as, for some reason, she has Wednesday off. She'd gone out with friends for most (if not all) of the previous seven nights. Even on Tuesday, after I spoke with her she got two hours sleep, was woken up by a phone call and went out for the night. Every time I've seen her in the past week, she's been tired. Add in that my schedule is a more conventional one (work 8-5:30ish) while hers is usually not (11-5:30pm for rehearsals, 6-1am for shows except for matinee days) and not only is it difficult to find time to meet up, but it's also hard to find a time when we're both awake.

There's also the issue of her future shows. She's only here until June/July. Then she goes up to MA for a run. After that, she's not sure where she'll be. However, last night, she expressed doubt that she'll be back in this area. I didn't respond to her comment at all, choosing instead to simply absorb it and let it wash over me.

So what does any of that mean? In truth, not much. I figure I'll run with this as long as I can. I really like her. We have similar interests and sense of humor. It's fun to hang out with her. I feel like she's someone who I can or do get and whom can or does get me. If it weren't for the time issue, which is pretty much integral to her career, I'd probably be happier and more content. So I'll just see what happens and try not to get too invested (though I'm sure I will anyways). I know she likes me and I'm pretty sure she wishes, to some degree at least, that we could figure this out. I'm just doubtful that there's a good solution.

So, as I have repeatedly stated, we shall see what happens. When's the next time we can meet up? Maybe next Monday? I don't know. All I do know is that I enjoy hanging out with her and we have fun together. Maybe that's what this ends up being.

A Continuing Saga

Meeting up with boardgame.girl around 7:30. Funny enough, by my current standards that's a relatively "late" time for meeting up... which is incredibly sad. I think the "plan" is as noted yesterday: food + games and/or DVD. I'm sort of hoping we end up watching a movie. We don't talk much while playing Race (concentrating on the game instead) and, though I know we also wouldn't talk much with a DVD, it would be... closer, I think. Closer wouldn't be bad.

A recent comment to this post suggested:

if you do tell her about the blog, i would erase any mention of her from the blog (at least the juicy stuff)

Anyone have further thoughts on this?

I didn't think I was relating anything particularly "juicy." Granted, laying out my view of things is problematic enough (especially given my penchant for idiocy), but I don't think anything I've written so far was out of line. Relatedly, I hate editing (i.e., abridging/censoring) things I've posted. I already have filters on what I write, and I share little enough as it is that excising portions seems unnecessary to me.

However, I've been known to be clueless with things like this, so I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

This morning, I was perusing referrals and noticed that someone got here from a Google search for: what to say to a girl on the phone before a blind date.

Mind you, I really don't have any advice for that. The link to this blog was from my blind date experience back in November '06.

Seemed like an interesting question, so I checked out the search results. The top result was for this page (Just Keep The Change). I poked a bit more about the site and found a host of interesting articles, including ones with dating advice for men. I found them to be rather helpful, particularly as I am admittedly a n00b when it comes to women and dating. I may yet try some of the suggestions tonight. (Seems worth a shot.)

I was born... to dance!

...or at least to listen to dance music.

Today I was listening to an album of dance music I have on my iPod (Fired Up!). I bought the double-disc set because it has a few songs I like, including Madison Avenue's "Don't Call Me Baby," which was a big hit back in 2000 when I was overseas. It also has "Zombie Nation" by Kernkraft 400, among many others.

My foot is tapping along with the beat. I do that a lot. I wonder if it annoys anyone. I try to keep it quiet. I also try to refrain from mouthing the words of the song I'm listening to.

I actually like to dance. Learned that one in college – at frat parties and the biannual semi-formals. Rarely get the chance, though. It's usually easy for me to find the beat and just go with it. Has yet to translate to anything, though, as in meeting women or such. In my overseas traveling, I've been to a few clubs here and there – in York and Florence. Enjoyed them, even if I have trouble tolerating Red Bull (and, by extension, things like VK).

No formal training or practice, so I'm no good for most structured dances. I can passably emulate formal dancing. Not very good at ballroom. No good at jazz or swing. Can muddle through line dancing. Half of it is just confidence – if I were more confident (e.g., from lessons or practice or such), I'd probably be half decent.

I just remembered Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly" – when he gets into dirty dancing with Jennifer Anniston. Heh.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this one. I'll just end it here, knowing that it won't be the top post.

What kept you sane?

The title is a question I saw on an annual survey on someone's blog. (The survey is a meme.)

I was pondering this in the car ride to work this morning and came up with my answer: Music. Music keeps me sane.

I listen to music in the car using my iPod. I sing along with it. It keeps my head busy.

Music can set my mood or influence it. Relaxing music helps me relax. Louder, faster music helps me stay awake and alert. Softer music helps me reflect and slow down.

I listen to music at work on my iPod. Often it helps me focus on my work. Sometimes it detracts, but that usually occurs when the work is thick and difficult.

I listen to music on the weekends, when I get ready in the morning. During the week, I listen to the Z Morning Zoo (Z-100). But on the weekend, my timing is different so I just put in a CD and hit "play" or "shuffle."

Sometimes I listen to music at home when I'm surfing the web. Open up iTunes and hit shuffle. It gives a nice background for concentrating on other things.

I don't buy that much music for the amount I listen to. I buy an album or two every now and then, but it's on the order of 1-2 dozen per year. I always have a current, preferred set of albums in rotation. That's how I usually listen to music on my iPod, by album. Sometimes I select a particular song, though, and some albums I only have one song (from iTunes).

I also use iTunes to look for new music, listening to other artists and groups they categorize with ones I know and like. For example, I found Lacuna Coil from Evanescence.

There are a handful of albums that I would like to buy. One day I'll order them from Amazon. One day...

I would be apt to choose something else as keeping me sane, such as TV or movies or boardgames or games in general, except all of those have concomitant downsides. For me, music does not have a downside. I don't just sit and listen to music, I listen to music while I do other things, including work, drive and think.

I think music is my lifeline. It is happiness and sadness, old and new, vibrant and melancholy, dreams and death. It describes feelings I've had and ones I haven't and a myriad host of in-betweens that pluck at my heartstrings in different ways. Music reflects my mood and is my mood and makes my mood but rarely causes my mood. Music is powerful. It tells stories I enjoy and ones I hate and other times it just sits there and serves as a counterpoint to the world. It doesn't forsake me or forget me or make time for me. Music is always playing. Music is an undercurrent to my being.

Music keeps me sane.

I need to be better at this.

Texts with boardgame.girl:

Me: I didn't have any specific plans for Tues. Easy ideas include food or gaming or a dvd (if your place is ok for that) or some combination thereof. Thoughts?

Her: Some combination thereof? Food then gaming and/or DVD at my place? I definitely need some race.

Me: Sounds good to me! Far be it for me to say no to Race.

And yet another reason I like this girl.

I'm looking at the previous sentence and trying to figure out why it makes sense to me. I suggested three somewhat prosaic options, none of them terribly inspiring. Her response was along the lines of "works for me" with a "hey, let's play that game we both love and are addicted to."

Maybe that's it. I suggested three easy choices and they're fine with her. Plus, she's a gamer and wants to game. I may need to be better at this, where "this" means finding things for us to do, but then the easy things I suggest, the ones I'd like to do, are good ones for her too.

Noisy Patent Application

This morning I was making noises for a patent application I'm writing. The noises differentiate between injection molding and extrusion molding. I could explain more but then I would have to kill you.

Do I tell her about my blog yet?

"Hey, how's it going? Good to see you. By the way, I found your blog... and your MySpace page... and fyi, I have a blog of my own." I have a picture of all the color draining from her face, while mine turns beet-red. It's not a pretty image.

No, not yet I think. Soon, sometime, but not yet.

Another Sunday

I'm feeling somewhat relaxed today. Didn't go into work. Restless sleep overnight because I brought the dog upstairs with me. Slept in. Went for a 30 min. walk in the neighborhood. Hung out at a Starbucks, reading graphic novels and waiting for boardgame.girl to call. (Cell reception at home is rotten and I was expecting her call.)

Around 6:15, I called her. She'd just gotten out of work and was very tired - going back to her apt., probably to sleep. Hence, nothing happening today. We're planning on Tuesday night for something.

If she'd given some reason other than sleep, I think I would have pushed. But if it's sleep/being tired, I won't touch it. That's not something I'll push back on.

At this point, I think I have to be patient. Which is very difficult for me. Very difficult. (How am I supposed to have a torrid affair with her if we never meet up?) I don't think I'm naturally very patient. It's something I have to consciously force on myself. I can distract myself with books and/or other entertainment, but I have to try to pull myself back and force myself to play nice and pause.

So I think I have to practice patience here, too. It's sounding like her schedule really is pretty busy and trying. I can't add more stress to that, I have to help her de-stress from it. I suppose "relax" would have made more sense, but you get my drift.

But it's hard. I always want to rush things. It was easy to do that in college. I got in trouble for rushing things in law school. And now, I don't see that I have much of a choice. Be patient. Motto for the instant.

I was actually thinking that today wouldn't happen. That she'd call me, or I'd call her, and she'd be too tired/worn for anything. But I hoped not. I always hope. I'm a hopeful pessimist. (Good luck deciphering that one.) Plan for the worst, hope for the best? Though one of my favorite quotes is: "If you're going after Moby-Dick, bring along the tartar sauce."

So I'm hoping that we meet up Tuesday night. If that one also falls through, I think I'll have to say something. I'm sort of anticipating that it'll be another non-happening. But she's supposedly planning on it and it's supposedly a "good" night for us to meet up, so hope isn't dead. Yet.

I guess I was a spaz and an idiot this week, but it may not have been as ill-founded as I thought. It may be that we only get to meet up once a week or so. Slow but ongoing? *shrug* Time will tell.

I have this thing where if I want something bad enough, I'll find a way. I'll make time for it. I'll do it and not look back. I'm not sure how other people don't play by the same rules. But then maybe she really doesn't have any more time for me right now. Patience. Patience. *sigh* Patience.

ADDENDUM: Forgot to mention that I briefly met up with movie.girl on Saturday as she was passing nearby. Very brief lunch.

Incidentally, I'm more maudlin tonight. Probably a little down from the non-meet up. And a little tired. And a little not looking forward to another work week. And a little bleh. For whatever reason, Sundays engender introspection for me. Not always a good thing, particularly since the future looks rather uncertain these days.

I think I also forgot to mention that sometime this week, in speaking with our accountant (a very helpful cousin of ours), my mom was told that selling the house is not a great idea nowadays. As long as I keep living at home and cutting my mom a check every month, she can afford the house and wait things out. Provides a disincentive for me to move out - as though I needed one. So I still live at home.

Yeah, I better stop this. It's going down when it should not. Time for some light reading before bed, methinks. [9:47 PM]

It's official.

I'm an idiot. (Or a spaz, take your pick.)

Yeah, nothing's wrong - it's all in my head. Saw her at boardgames tonight. We talked briefly afterwards (around midnight-ish) and then kissed in the parking lot of the comic store for a minute or two. We might do something tomorrow night but, if not, then on Tuesday night. We shall see. She was pretty sleep-deprived tonight from a late Friday night.

I'm wondering if she's not as bad at this thing as I am.

[INTERLUDE]

So, uhh... I was reading some of her blog archives and I saw mention of a myspace page. She doesn't update that either, not more than about once a month, at any rate. But it looks slightly more current than the other one.

ANYWAYS, it looks like my head was just a little off on this one. Time for some sleep, maybe work tomorrow. If I don't hear from her, I'm going to call her and suggest we meet up for something relaxing or low-key. Even if it's a short something, just.. something. Maybe to get a coffee and chill? I dunno. But something.

I think I may be learning that I have to take more of a charge in this thing. I haven't before, mostly because they just happened and I didn't really have to. But I may have to push this a bit. If her schedule is always crazy and insane, I may have to push for an attempt to better fit into it. Hmmm.

Sleep now-ish.

Two Phone Calls Later...

So, ummm... I think I may be a bit of a spaz. (Just a bit.)

Spoke with boardgame.girl earlier tonight and we're doing something on Sunday. Don't know what or when, but something. We're going to hash out details tomorrow at the Saturday boardgaming.

I've had 2 phone calls with her so far and they've both been a little.. weird. First one was very abrupt. Second one was better but still.. odd. I really have no idea why. We did talk boardgames for +20 min. so it wasn't abrupt or mindless, per se. It just had a strange tone to it, perhaps? Very hard to describe.

Oh, I spoke with movie.girl right after and we're meeting up for lunch since she's passing nearby. Will make me a little late for my gaming, but eh. Haven't seen her in... a month or so?

Incidentally, I spoke with her earlier this week on Monday, as I drove to meet up with boardgame.girl. I also called her Monday night/Tuesday morning, all excited about kissing boardgame.girl. It's kind of funny, but she's a good friend... as long as we don't take a road trip in her car.

Bad week for work, but whatever. At some point, it'll get bad enough that I either leave or they let me go. Not there yet and I'm tempted to ride it as long as I can. They keep paying me, I'll keep showing up and try to fix things. In the meantime, I'll save up some money for when things do go South and complain unceasingly about my predicament. Sounds reasonable to me.

ANYWAYS. Lunch & lots of gaming tomorrow. Something with boardgame.girl on Sunday. Not too bad. Sounds like a fun weekend to me!

Too Much

While in my Rusted Root groove, I'm currently listening to "Too Much" from Welcome To My Party.

Such an excellent song. Upbeat and medium tempo but very calming and relaxing:

love before
you sleep
let your mind believe
that we
can cope
with all life hands us
and breathe
in deep
the strength you need
to fill you up
and calm
your mind
just like
I keep telling you

it's too much thinking
it's too much worrying
rest your head aside me now
it's too much thinking
upon your shoulders
rest your worried soul
upon me now

Easily one of my favorites from Rusted Root. The song just helps me relax and calm down.