Thoughts

Re blog discovery: It'll happen or it won't. I'm going to just keep on writing what I want. That's what I've always done here and what I've always sought to do here. Why change anything now? If she finds it, fine. If anyone finds it, fine. If I were unwilling to accept such risk, I would never have started this thing in the first place. Also, I'm kind of on a roll with posting and I don't want to interrupt that. I feel like posting more and I'm going to do so. In other words, bring it on, baby!

I was perusing old posts last night, ones from 2-2.5 years ago. It started when I saw something about boardgame.girl and I wanted to see what had happened with that. Rather, I know what happened (or, more accurately, didn't happen) and I know why, but I wanted to see what I was thinking at the time. It was an interesting read and I recall the thought processes very well. From this perspective (i.e., that of today), I'm glad it went down as it did. Turns out she's still around these days, still as flighty and unreliable as ever. I know I cannot handle that amount of capriciousness and it's a good thing that never went anywhere.

Then I was reading through posts after that, ones where I repeatedly despaired about blah blah blah, and I wondered why I was going out on a date on Thursday. Why am I so willing to do this now? What's changed? And I realized that I'm in a better place now. 1.5-2.5 years ago, it wasn't good. I wasn't very happy or positive (in almost any respect) and it felt like a downward spiral. These days, for some reason, I'm doing much better. I don't know if it's me accepting things or being less invested in the outcome or seeing more or discovering dreams or just having lived more, but I feel better. I'm generally happier and more pleasant. Sometimes I force myself to get out of the house and do things, but the disconsolate days are far fewer than they used to be.

That's a pretty cool realization to come to. I'm not in a different physical place nor have I significantly altered my patterns or actions, but I feel better, even on the bad days. I try to say "Today was a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be a good one. Ah well." Sometimes tomorrow is a good day, sometimes it's a bad day. But I can live with this. I think change is on the horizon. And that's okay.

So I almost feel like maybe I'm ready to try dating again. Almost. Maybe.

(Let's see how Thursday goes.)

A Warm Day

A warm day is when the A/C at work is on the fritz and it's nice outside (like 90+ deg. F). At its worst, my office probably got up into the low 80's or so. Rather uncomfortable. It's no fun sitting at your desk trying to focus on boring patent work while sweaty and sleepy. Okay, it's not much more fun when it's cool and temperate, but at least you're not sweaty (though you may be sleepy).

To digress from the non-digression, I am reluctant to write much more in anticipation of Thursday (but why should I let that stop me). Oh I would like to, of that have no doubt, but I am semi-paralyzed by fear of blog discovery. I'm not looking to hide or cancel, if she finds the blog then so be it, but the knowledge of potential discovery I could readily do without. It would be mildly terrifying to sit down over coffee and hear "So, I discovered your blog..." It would be incredibly honest, but it would still be mildly terrifying. I've had it happen to me twice before - once from a random, fellow law student and once from a professor. I will always recall those moments in class. I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. It must have. *shiver* Pure, instantaneous terror.

Realistically, it'll probably happen again at some point. I expect it to, and part of me looks forward to that day to see what happens. However, part of me dreads the day with an uncertain fear. I would consider remedying the issue in this case, but it's a little too late. Certainly she would see if I fixed it now. Ah well, so it goes.

So yeah, Thursday. I bought a new pair of pants after work today. Why? Because I could use a new pair (well, a few new pairs) and I wanted to have one for Thursday. Who knows, maybe I'll need a few more if things go well. (As in wearing a new pair for each successive date, duh!)

I'm very curious to see how this plays out. I always am. I hope I've learned from my previous first dates, including the horrible blind date where I was an absolute git. In my floundering, I was less-than-kind when describing Bono and U2. In my defense, I was panicking because we had absolutely nothing in common. At all. Also in my defense, there is no defense. Boy what a train wreck. I was even misguided enough to think it wasn't so horrible. Afterwards, I thought it went okay-to-fine. In retrospect it's more of a *palmforeheadsmack* sort of thing.

Gah, I wish it were Thursday already!

(Bono rocks!)

ZOMG

WAAAAAHHHHH. I've got a coffee-date on Thursday. WAAAAHHHHH. (In my head, I'm running in circles, mildly panicked. Every now and then I pause my running to lean on my knees and pant, catching my breath before I resume the circular progression.)

This is going to be interesting. We've traded 6-7 messages (each) and-- okay, yeah, I'm a little scared. That's like saying the Titanic was taking on a little water. *gulp* I haven't done this (a date) in a few years. And I have no idea what to say or do. Well, that's not entirely true at all, but it feels that way. Always does.

I have this sneaky suspicion that she's a lot like me in a few ways. From the messages thus far, --okay, crap. This place is locatable from how she found me. (If she notices the right words and does the right search, etc.) Crap, crap, crap. Ummm... This isn't me. I was never here. You didn't see me. Ummm... *waves hand in Jedi fashion* This isn't the website you're looking for.

I always forget how connected everything is. (And I didn't really hide myself very well when I joined that dating site. Whoops!) Errr... Let's hope she tells me if she finds this place. (Please?) Yeah, I've got nothing else.

P.S. Okay, yeah, now I'm scared.

The Previous Four Posts

You may notice I just posted 4 not-quite-short posts in a relatively short timespan (i.e., minutes). I wrote these earlier this week and just now got around to posting them. You may also notice that the immediately preceding one refers to a girl with whom I am communicating. This is not the one I mentioned before. This is another girl who sent me a message out of the blue earlier this week. I am hopeful that if I suggest a meeting next week she might be amenable. We shall see, particularly as I have no idea how these things are supposed to go.

Anxious

Dating strikes me as a supremely unbalanced equation. On the one hand, I am incredibly ill at ease. Just completely awkward and unconfident. So uncertain of myself and my actions that I think them through, rethink them and give 'em one more pass for good measure. Probably a lack of dating experience coupled with me. On the other hand, while dating you are supposed to project confidence and strength. The occasional vulnerability is permitted, but nothing too serious or significant, at least in the beginning.

So as I type replies to this girl, and as she replies to me, I constantly reread what I write, dissect and edit it. I wonder if and when she'll reply. I wonder if she's wondering half of what I am. I can blink my eyes and picture 1000 different scenarios, 99.9% of which will not come to pass. Which one is this one?

What's mildly interesting in this case, and serves as the basis for this verbalizing, is that I get the nagging sense that she's mirroring some of this. Her replies are relatively quick and consistent. I sense a bit of mirroring from what I write, and I am trying to do the same back. She signs her messages with phrases like "Hope to hear from you soon" and "Hope you're having a nice Friday." An innocuous sentiment in its own right, but not a customary one from my (very limited) experience with online dating/communication.

Thus, the balance between insecurity and confidence is in mind. Not to mention I'm otherwise insecure about quite a few things, which obviously does not help at all. So I ponder and overthink and overanalyze and wonder (and wait).

Music

I've got music on the brain. M.C. Chris concert in Boston earlier this year. Phish concert last weekend. I listen to music on my iPod almost every day – in the car, while working, while surfing the web on my computer. I love music.

My recent preferences, with recent being on the order of the past 2-4 years, are for symphonic metal and the like: Epica, Nightwish, Lacuna Coil, Stream of Passion, Within Temptation, Njord, Sirenia, Theatre of Tragedy, Delain, etc. This interest of mine stems from a random interest in Rammstein, stoked by a random purchase of a used copy of their album Sensucht due to having heard of the band and an interesting album cover (a man's face wrapped in barbed wire).

While most songs for these groups (e.g., all but Rammstein) are in English, unfortunately all of these groups are European and rarely make the trip over here. I passed up a chance to see Epica in NYC earlier this year, and I regret it a little bit. I feel like I am having a newfound interest in concerts only there is little chance of me seeing some of my favorite groups because they tend to tour in Europe.

Well, movie.girl is going to grad school in England starting this Fall and I am sorely tempted to visit her there. Part of me is wondering if I can use such a trip to see some of these groups. I always threatened to go to Europe to see Rammstein should they tour again, and I believe they are or will be touring there soon. It might be cool to go see some Scandinavian metal festival. I think I'd enjoy it. I have yet to look any further into this, but I would like to.

At The RenFaire

There is one "incident" I wish to relate from the RenFaire, largely because I know it will silently fester in the back of my thoughts and spring to the forefront at odd times. At the faire, there were a number of vendors selling all manner of RenFaire-related items. Yes, that is self-referential. No, I don't care. Most of the items were of little-to-no interest to me. The swords were nice, and a little tempting, but practicality is a harsh mistress. As are the credit card companies, banks and my checkbook.

One item did catch my eye. It was a plastic statue thing featuring a scantily-clad, well-endowed, winged woman in front of (reclining on?) a comparatively large crucifix (stretching about the same height and width as the arms-stretched woman) located behind a casket. The lid of the casket was removable for holding some manner of small trinkets or jewelry. Other than the lid, the piece appeared to be solid, dark gray plastic and retailed for $30.

I do not believe I have spoke often of my artistic and aesthetic tastes, and I do have some concretely-defined ones of which I am very aware, but winged women and gothic imagery (e.g., graveyards, caskets, gravestones, visages of death, skeletal figures, etc.) are way up there for me. Long ago during my action figure-buying days, and I do not believe I have spoke at length on that hobby either, winged figures counted pretty high on my list. Well-endowed, scantily-clad females, too. And I'm not afraid to shell out some money for artistic items that appeal to me. I planned on purchasing this piece.

But I made a mistake. As I was walking with 3 friends to the next show we planned to see, we passed this stall and, not too long thereafter, I commented that there was something I wished to procure. These being curious friends and us not being in a rush, they sought further explanation. To wit, "What is it?" So I said something like "Oh fine" and led them over to the piece.

Whereupon one of my friends, a slightly-older woman, said something like "It's nice if you like p-rnography."

I immediately knew what I had to do and I did just that. I put the statue down, turned away, and walked with them to the next event. While I knew that I could still buy it, I also knew that if I did either I would have to confront that statement (i.e., define it as not p-rnography and argue the point) or I would have to own the statement (i.e., accept it as p-rnography and accept the characterization it entails). There's no middle ground there and, since these are people I see on an almost weekly basis, there's no chance of such a purchase going unremarked or unnoticed. I did not wish to confront the statement – there should be no need for me to convince someone else, someone who has no stake in the purchase whatsoever, that it is not p-rnography, that I considered it art. So I let it go.

Part of me is sore with this friend for forcing me to do what I did. Honestly, it was not p-rnographic. Perhaps not in the best of tastes, most likely not worth $30, but it was not "p-rnography." And whatever her personal views on such artistic styles, it was not her place to disparage my tastes.

Also long ago, I decided to own my artistic tastes and hobbies, no matter other people's view of them. E.g., action figures, comic books and graphic novels, art styles, movie watching, computer games, etc. It is something I still have to push at every now and then, to be who I am and like what I like with fewer reservations. This small incident hit that nerve, too. I did not want to assume the concomitant associations that would have been present if I had actually bought the statue.

Sometimes I act differently when I am with friends. I accept that people wear different masks at different times for different purposes and I am no different. But for the people I was with that day, I probably would have purchased the statue.

Also but for the people I was with that day, I probably would have spoken with the woman who ran the Cirque du Sewer event. I.e., the rat-lady. I thought she was kind of cute, and I appreciated her love for her rats. It would have been cool to see them up close, hold one if permitted, etc. I love animals and I readily appreciate other people who similarly do, whether the animals are dogs, cats, birds or rats. I thought about talking with her after the show, but I didn't feel like I could since I was there with some friends. I didn't want to accept or own up to it. I probably should have done it anyways, particularly since it's so rare that I ever contemplate such things. And it would have made for a good story. And it might have been fun and interesting. But I didn't.

I do not regret the things I've done but those I did not do.
(Paraphrased from Empire Records)

P.S. Best names evah for pet rats: Bubonic and Pandemic. (Though I also would have accepted Epidemic.)

The Phish Concert

I previously remarked that the concert was amazing, but I'd like to briefly elaborate on my experience. "Experience" is the word of choice here. The event was about more than just the music for me. It was a rare opportunity to glimpse into an alternative way of life. I sincerely doubt that I would have attended a Phish concert but for movie.girl's invitation. Oh I've heard of the band before, but I had not yet been exposed to their music nor would I have anticipated so. Really, it's not my "scene."

So, the scene in question. We got there about 1:15 before kick-off and found ourselves in a long line of cars in search of parking. We ended up leaving the car at a Motel 8 about 0.5 mile (guesstimating) from the venue.. for $25. And that was the best/only nearby option at the time.

At least part of the reason for the jam was a Cirque du Soleil performance being held less than 1 mile from the concert venue. Wonderful planning that one. Parking that otherwise would have been free instead featured a large tent. And more cars.

After parking, tailgating. *Everyone* was tailgating. If you weren't tailgating, you weren't attending the concert. Once inside, I better understood at least part of the reason. Inside the gates, 2 beers and 1 water cost a total of $28. Very ugly.

Once we reached the official/real parking lot, the vendors began. Well, the majority of the vendors. There were some selling things like stickers, hats and glowsticks outside that area. The "real" vendors were selling all sorts of things, such as: food, beer, water, t-shirts, stickers, patches, buttons, posters, backpacks and assorted other paraphernalia. It was difficult to get to the venue, wading past the vendors with the crowd.

Inside, we eventually made our way to our seats. Good view, not too expensive. movie.girl made friends with the guy to her left, both being Phish-heads and having seen Phish at many other shows. Apparently, that is the thing to do – follow Phish around and go to many/all of their shows. Later on, the guy shared various beverages (tequila + Red Bull = not bad) and such with her and, by extension, me.

The people. Most of the people fell into the category of what I will term "modern day hippies." Prior to the concert, my mental image of hippies included tie-dye shirts, long hair, relaxed attitude, a penchant for herbal relaxants and a smidgen of left-ish politics. Lose the tie-dye, politics and hair requirements, add a penchant for body art (tattoos, piercings) and you have the modern day hippie. Relaxed, certainly, but many/most of them look not all that dissimilar to you or I (barring visible body art). Very interesting. I never appreciated that we as a society have a "class" of modern day hippies. Apparently they all go to Phish concerts. *shrug*

The overall attitude was extremely relaxed. Very little tension. Everyone was there as part of a group, i.e., with friends. While most/all had cell phones, relatively few were playing with them at any given time. For pictures, of course, but not a ton of generic texting, e-mailing, etc. Most people were there mentally, not just physically. Plus, everyone seemed pretty friendly with one another. United, to at least some degree, in Phish-head-dom. Or something.

The concert itself was awesome. Lots of solos, lots of improv. Overall, a relaxing, fun time. Almost everyone danced to the majority of the show, grooving out to the tunes. Occasionally a waft of smoke would pique my nose, cigarette or otherwise. Glowsticks and other phosphorescent objects were tossed about in gleeful joy. Cheering, singing along with the tunes, because almost everyone knew almost all of the songs, and generally having a good time.

I found it particularly interesting when the band would devolve into a formless, abstract stretch. Without a solid beat to latch onto, it was nigh impossible to dance to such parts, but they were very interesting. Almost nouveau or new age or I don't know what. As if each of the four were playing their own tune to their own beat, but it still meshed together to form something larger and more powerful. Very fascinating.

movie.girl informed me that all of their shows are available online for download (livephish.com I think it is). I will have to purchase a copy of that show. It was music in every sense of the word. And it was something I hadn't seen before. And that's pretty damn cool.

Busy Weekends

Last Weekend: On Saturday I hit up a RenFaire in Danbury with some friends. I believe it was my first RenFaire. Not bad overall. I enjoyed it, certainly, though I was a little disappointed with the quality of swordplay and acting. You do not grasp a knife or sword by the blade, no matter how cool it looks. Just don't do it. Afterwards, we went to a Greek Festival in the same town for supper. Probably my first "real" Greek meal. Very good. On Sunday I met up with movie.girl for a double header of Get Him To The Greek followed by The A-Team.

This Weekend: On Friday night movie.girl and I went to a Phish concert in Hartford. I wasn't a big Phish head before, but they really are that good. It was an absolute blast. Really just an experience. Plus she got pretty tanked which is amusing all in itself. Saturday was recovery and Sunday (today) I'm meeting up with her again for Jonah Hex.

It's been pretty busy and it ain't over yet. Well, alright, it's probably going to cool off over the next few weekends, but in July I'm planning a trip into the city for art and a show (more on that another time) and then there's a local Shakespeare in the park thing. Pretty cool.

An Interesting Day At Work

Around 10:30 AM or so, one of my coworkers, the new kid who was hired out of law school late last year, came into my office and said "I've been fired." Ten minutes later, after talking about it with another coworker I turn to the secretary outside his office whereupon she informs me that one of the secretaries has been laid off.

The office is always off on one of these kinds of days. I've been with my firm for 4.5 years now, and I've seen people come and go, attorneys and secretaries alike. I've seen one retire and two leave and plenty get fired. It's always difficult to concentrate on one of those Fridays. And it's always a Friday morning.

Too bad, this time. I thought the attorney was pretty good, plus he was a friend of ours. The secretary was a really nice, young guy who did his work well. It's sad to see them go.

Stupid Floppy Disk... And a Show and an Epiphany or Two

I had this fantastic post all done up.. and it's sitting next to me on an unreadable floppy disk. Maybe I shouldn't have transported it in my pocket? So today you will get the short(er) version of whatever it was I wrote on the stupid thing.

Last Wednesday, my mom and I ventured into The City (because if you live in the tri-state area there really is only one City around - NYC) to catch a show (my annual birthday present). To wit, we saw "A Little Night Music," a musical written by Sondheim. It starred Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury. An excellent, excellent show! Absolutely wonderful. Everyone in it was fantastic. CZJ stole the show when she sang "Send In The Clowns" and AL was spectacular as the aging grandmother. Just a wonderful show.

And last week I had an epiphany or two. I could give you context for my realizations or some droning about the "process," but none of that really matters. Here's what I have scratched on a small piece of paper:

What am I waiting for?

I want change and yet I do everything in my power to avoid it.

I am waiting for myself to accept change.

And I think all of that is true. I constantly bemoan my complacency and immobility while doing nothing to address it. I stay where I am, apparently waiting for something to come along, never doing anything to move myself beyond this point.

So it's time I decided to do something did something. Screw the economy, screw health insurance, screw my lack of savings and safety nets - I'm gonna do something. Because maybe, just maybe, I'm ready for some change after all.

I had an idea I was kicking around. I spoke with an acquaintance who has some experience and he offered another idea related to my first. It sounds interesting if nothing else. It sounds like something I'd like to try and do, whether it works or not. The cool thing is that it will require a lot of learning on my part. A concerted, continual effort to figure it out and figure out how to do it. I don't know how long that will take, but I think 6-8 months is reasonable at a guess. If nothing else, that should get me a Christmas bonus as a small safety net and possibly enough time to get myself ready (e.g., use of my current, work-provided health insurance).

I don't know if it will take off, if I'll follow through or even what it will become, but I figure it's worth a shot to find out. Why not?