Re blog discovery: It'll happen or it won't. I'm going to just keep on writing what I want. That's what I've always done here and what I've always sought to do here. Why change anything now? If she finds it, fine. If anyone finds it, fine. If I were unwilling to accept such risk, I would never have started this thing in the first place. Also, I'm kind of on a roll with posting and I don't want to interrupt that. I feel like posting more and I'm going to do so. In other words, bring it on, baby!
I was perusing old posts last night, ones from 2-2.5 years ago. It started when I saw something about boardgame.girl and I wanted to see what had happened with that. Rather, I know what happened (or, more accurately, didn't happen) and I know why, but I wanted to see what I was thinking at the time. It was an interesting read and I recall the thought processes very well. From this perspective (i.e., that of today), I'm glad it went down as it did. Turns out she's still around these days, still as flighty and unreliable as ever. I know I cannot handle that amount of capriciousness and it's a good thing that never went anywhere.
Then I was reading through posts after that, ones where I repeatedly despaired about blah blah blah, and I wondered why I was going out on a date on Thursday. Why am I so willing to do this now? What's changed? And I realized that I'm in a better place now. 1.5-2.5 years ago, it wasn't good. I wasn't very happy or positive (in almost any respect) and it felt like a downward spiral. These days, for some reason, I'm doing much better. I don't know if it's me accepting things or being less invested in the outcome or seeing more or discovering dreams or just having lived more, but I feel better. I'm generally happier and more pleasant. Sometimes I force myself to get out of the house and do things, but the disconsolate days are far fewer than they used to be.
That's a pretty cool realization to come to. I'm not in a different physical place nor have I significantly altered my patterns or actions, but I feel better, even on the bad days. I try to say "Today was a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be a good one. Ah well." Sometimes tomorrow is a good day, sometimes it's a bad day. But I can live with this. I think change is on the horizon. And that's okay.
So I almost feel like maybe I'm ready to try dating again. Almost. Maybe.
(Let's see how Thursday goes.)