There's a certain comfort in failing. There's closure. You've reached the end, or a milestone at least - a stopping point, and that's it. It's over. There's nowhere left to go, no farther left to fall.
I debated whether or not to post the literal fact of things. In the end, since I'm not sure who reads this or not, I won't. Not for a while at least. Suffice it to say if you've been following along and remember the condition precedent for my law school wrap up, that post will be a ways off yet. I'll save the revelation, if it could be called that, for then.
In the meantime... Tonight I am *not* hanging with friends and celebrating. Actually I'm rather depressed about things. Tomorrow I will start in on cleaning my apartment. It's rather doubtful whether or not the relatives will actually stop by it this weekend but it needs cleaning quite badly and is rather long overdue. Tomorrow afternoon I plan on catching a showing of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Then, tomorrow night, there's the official/real graduation party. Saturday is an awards thingy where I'm slated to receive my Intellectual Property Certificate. Also, the relatives come down on Saturday. Dinner at a semi-swanky Italian restaurant. Sunday morning is graduation and the departure of said relatives. Early next week I must work on and complete the Connecticut Bar Application, lest that fall by the wayside.
In more metaphysical considerations... I'd like to think that in the past I've had various (damnit, can't think of the word. begins with an "e", as in a sudden idea or flash of insight) ____'s though I've never really followed up on any of them. Never really heeded them or truly and continually acted on them. I don't know that today hit me with any like burst of insight but I do know I have to change. A lot. More so my activities which will then affect what I do and how I do it. Less television, if any. No video games or singificantly less. More doing the things I must rather than those I want.
My brain feels scrambled.
My head is running in circles, going nowhere.
Which serves as a segue to another non-sequitor. I used to read some Piers Anthony long ago, especially his 7-book series Incarnations of Immortality. One of the concepts I picked up in the first book and never forgot involves 4 methods of thinking, described in words and represented by pictures - really diagrams made with 5 matchsticks.
Linear: -----
Like a chain. The elements lead to the next down a chain of thinking and reasoning, leading one to a final conclusion in such a manner.
Parallel: |||||
Like many bridges over a river. There are a number of elements, methods or solutions that all lead to the same outcome, supporting each other.
Schizoid/Circular: (picture a pentagon)
The logic/reasoning goes in circles. If trapped in such a line of thinking, one that goes nowhere you haven't been before, you need to break out of it in order to progress.
Intuitive: -|||-
There is a break in the chain of logic that requires an intuitive leap, a jump to a conclusion that is ill-founded by the evidence but evident, apparent or correct in the end. This is a powerful method of thinking as it is often the hardest to put together.
I'm trapped in the circular one right now, which is why these come to mind.
But to digress from the non-sequitor digression...
I think I'll go read my book a bit and have a drink, to try and relax from today's outcome. I'm angry with myself for failing. Depressed from the same and from the anticipation of this weekend's now-hollow event. I'm worried that I am more my father's son than I ever wanted to be. And I'm also troubled that my long-term future, i.e. that more than 3 months from now, is so unsettling to me. (I'm not positive I want to be a lawyer any more. And if not a lawyer, what then?)
Now for that book and drink.
ADDENDUM: The word I was searching for was 'epiphany.' All I could think yesterday was epitome. Came to mind last night as I tried to go to sleep. [12:25pm 5/20]
ADDENDUM II: DARNIT! I just remembered the FIFTH way of thinking from the book.
Divergent/Creative: (picture a starburst)
When starting from a common place, trying to be creative and come up with new ideas. The elements all lead to separate, new ideas and outcomes.
Man! I knew it was 5, I just couldn't remember that 5th one. I think I'm not-so-slowly losing it. Ugh. [5:53pm 5/20]