A Season of Mists

No Rain (Just Snow)

2011-11-02T18:48:00.001-04:00

Because that's the song I just heard and it's as apropos as anything.

My first burlesque performance was on Friday. Went very well! I had to relog *right* before I started to correct a sound issue, but otherwise went smoothly. Had a bunch of friends there to see it. Good stuff. My next one should be a week from Friday.

Later that night I stuck my foot in my mouth but good. I've said to SL friends before that I'm not afraid to be blunt or speak or speak my mind even, though this will occasionally result in a solid foot-in-mouth. Part of the price I pay for being me, and I accept that, just don't ask me to like it. I will annoy and/or piss off people from time to time. Fine. I'd rather do that and be that way than be quiet and unobtrusive. Remember me, for my mistakes if you must, but remember me. Something like that at any rate I think.

A truly amazing snowstorm came through on Saturday! We got something like 5-6" of snow, though other places got as much as 2' (MA) or more. Something like 70% of the state (CT) is *still* without power. Leaves on the trees + heavy snowfall = falling branches all over the place. Broke all records. Broke some power lines. Absolutely insane. Pretty much meant cancellation of Halloween, though I believe it's rescheduled in my town for this upcoming Saturday.

Work is work. I did good work yesterday, hoping to do decent today. Enough days like that and I'll be okay.

I have all sorts of weirdness in my SL stuff. I'd call them "relationships" but that's not quite accurate. The woman I was with for two weeks – hung out with her on Saturday for awhile. We are friends, I suppose, though we're both often busy with (different) things nowadays. I get the sense that she could use a friend from time to time, and that is where things stand. Then there's the woman with whom I am renting the parcel. She's something else entirely. We're mildly guarded around one another, not the least of which is because neither of us is "looking for a relationship right now" though we get on very well together. And we are friends, we hang out a lot, work together at times, etc. Beyond those two, there are all the other miscellaneous friends I've made and see from time to time, as well as new ones I meet and make. Just a fun, fluid environment. I really am enjoying it quite a bit.

I saw the new Three Musketeers movie last night, 3D of course. Absolutely abysmal. The fight sequences and Milla Jovovich in corsets means I got my money's worth, but that's about it.

So I keep busy, even if it is primarily in a virtual environment. I do need to slow down (cease) the spending frenzy there, and regain my composure monetarily. I also need to organize my online inventory and work on sifting through things. I have 29.6k items right now, and that's absurd, particularly as so much remains unpacked.

But then I do want to buy more things for the burlesque acts, and that's probably what I should be focusing on. So we shall see. Perhaps I'll also work on some photos/pics (from SL) and post them on Flickr. So much to do.

Dead Easy

2011-10-25T17:30:00.001-04:00

Lots going on in Second Life. Somewhere along the line, I think I forgot to mention SL burlesque. I shall endeavor to remedy this oversight as briefly as I can.

In SL, there are two types of entertainment in which I like to indulge – live music and burlesque. I could write a whole post on the SL live music scene. Suffice it to say that performers schedule gigs at venues and stream the performance. There's a wide variety of music, and quality. I have my favorites whom I try to catch when I can and I've been very successful at introducing more people to the scene.

The other one, burlesque, requires a tad more explanation. In SL, the burlesque scene involves people (avatars) performing dance numbers on sets (think scenery), often while removing articles of clothing and occasionally while speaking/emoting text (e.g., to describe what they are "doing"). The sets can be simple or complicated, similar with the dances and script. Since SL is a sandbox environment, you can get a wide range of set designs, almost anything you can imagine. Some acts feature more than one dancer. Just a wide variety with different styles and such. And there really is a strong artistic component to these – they're not fluff pieces, not at all.

I've been attending SL burlesque shows since August 6. I usually find them to be entertaining and interesting. Some of the acts are downright amazing! Very creative. So back in August, I applied to become a performer. My audition was 2 weeks ago and I passed! I haven't performed my own act yet, but my first one is scheduled for this Friday. Here's how that came about.

On Tuesday night, the burlesque company asked for Halloween numbers for the Halloween show. (Halloween is *big* in SL.) On Wednesday, I came up with an act I call "Dead Easy." It's about a zombie dancing in a diner/restaurant/eatery of some sort. (Turned out to be a diner.) Last Wednesday night, I ran it by one of the bosses and got approval along with an instruction to have it for this Friday. !!! My first act! I'm rather excited about the whole thing.

On Friday, I finalized my clothing for it. On Saturday, I constructed the set (really just cobbled it together – didn't make it myself). All I have left is to put the dance sequence together. I think it looks pretty good so far. And I love that my first act is a zombie one!

The other thing this weekend was that I went in with a new friend (met her last Tuesday night) on a land rental. I think I did it in part because she wanted a conspirator and in part to see what would happen. I haven't had land in SL since my original stint 7.75 years ago. It'll be fun to mess around with it. Plus, I can now stream live musicians on the parcel, for example, if the venue is too laggy or if I'm busy.

So I've been very busy in SL, despite the breakup thing last week. We're still friends, incidentally, though rather more distant. We'll see what happens.

Anger & Pain

2011-10-18T00:58:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so things didn't quite work out as I hoped. Tonight she says she wants to be friends, no expectations, blah blah blah. She has doubts, she doesn't want to get in a relationship for the wrong reasons (rebound), she wants to go slower. Me? They're her doubts & fears not mine, then why'd she start this, and how does one go slower other than to end it.

So she wants to be friends and expects me to jump at that right away.

Really? I don't think so. I'm angry and hurt. Maybe when I get past that, when I'm a little more distant, but tonight? F*ck you.

I don't have friends like her. I don't tell friends what I told her. And she wants to just dial everything back and make it all cool immediately?

I say again: Really?

So thanks for all the fun, but tonight I'm sore. Tomorrow? We'll see. Tomorrow is another day. Can't wait to see where that leads me.

The Long Weekend In Repose

2011-10-17T17:15:00.001-04:00

I always like that phrase "in repose." To me it seems to imply some kind of mildly stately, relaxed consideration of something.

NYCC was fun. Thursday walked the floor; Friday bought art (waaaaaay too much art); and Saturday didn't get up to too much. Lots of walking, probably a cumulative total of +16 hours over the three days, 8+ of them on Friday. Got my exercise at least. The too much art bit annoys me a little, but I like all of it and some of it is flat out amazing, so I can't complain too much. Just have to be more selective next year and watch for it. Said hi to Mr. Templesmith, among other people. Saw Stan Lee in passing. Photo with Brian O'Halloran of Clerks fame (Dante).

Sunday was Mark & Mona's housewarming. A little Sour Apples To Apples. I left early, making some excuse about wanting to catch some live music in SL. I haven't told some of my RL friends about Clem, though I will. Part of my hesitation is that I know they'll make fun of me for it. That's not going to keep me from telling them indefinitely, but I would prefer to cement, or not cement, things with Clem first.

Forgot my headphones for today. No music makes me a little sadder.

Things with the SL woman progress. There's renewed talk of meeting up. Then she turns around, throws something (metaphorically) at me and says she doesn't think she's right for me in a particular respect. Responding to that, I lost my cool a bit on Sunday, and I am sorry for that. I think we are okay, and will be okay, as long as we can both be patient with one another. This is not an easy way to go about meeting someone and there are some pitfalls with it that make it more difficult and trying at times. I'm still ever so hopeful that a RL meeting will address a lot of the issues and let us see if it's worth it to figure out the rest.

What amuses me a little (in a non-amusing way) is that we're both afraid of the same things – rejection and incompatibility. We know that we are emotionally compatible, and we enjoy similar things, and we obviously feel for each other. I'm worried over whether or not there's RL chemistry between us, and she's worried similarly (albeit in some slightly different respects). I'm worried about RL rejection over my looks and she's worried about rejection in general based on her predilections. I'm not worried about the latter, largely because she's a good person and that matters a great deal to me.

It's also difficult, in some ways, for each of us to trust the other. Even if she said (says) she's attracted to me, I wouldn't be able to believe it until we meet in RL. Even if (when) I say I'm fine with everything, I don't think she can believe me until... until I prove it to her? Which would be in RL. Maybe? It's hard to say.

I sent her an e-mail last night apologizing and explaining things. I'm hopeful that we're on the same page. Damn, I'm just full of hope these days, huh?

Long Nights

2011-10-10T16:45:00.002-04:00

I keep incurring long nights with this woman. Which is wonderful! And slightly tiring in the cumulative. But wonderful!

Looking back, it's been a busy week with her. A small misstep of mine on Monday night, a short Skype on Tuesday, hanging out in-game every night, some extremely late nights on the weekend (4am, 5am and 3:30am for Fri., Sat. and Sun., respectively), and a 1-hour Skype late last night. It's really a lot of fun! I am just enjoying the Hell out of her, and us, right now. Lamentably, it's going to ease up a bit in the coming weeks due to RL events on both our sides, so it's probably good we did this when we could.

I am infinitely more comfortable with it now than I was last week. As anticipated, time, experience and talk temper my discomfort. In particular, I think the Skype talking is good. It pokes holes in the veil of game interactions. There's all sorts more I could relate about her and/or our interactions, but it's not necessary. All there really is to say is that we're both enjoying each other's company. What more need be said right now?

One concept I pondered this past week, and which is still whirling through my head, is the nature of time dilation and Second Life (or any virtual world, I suppose). As of knowing her for 9 days (I think that means I did this calculation on Wed. morning?), I guesstimated that we had spent about 45 hours together. For just this weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday), I guesstimate that we spent 35 hours together. Now be aware that these estimates do not factor in afk time or events where we're there together but, for the most part, not interacting with one another very much or the fact that conversations via IM are usually slower and more stop-start or that some of this time is spent in groups, with her friends. These are merely estimates of how much time we've spent together in-game, approximately co-locationally, for certain periods.

Nonetheless, even if you cut those numbers in half that's a lot of time! I mean, to wrack up 20-22 hours you're talking about 3-5 real-world (or real life, RL) dates. For such short RL timespans, the amount of time spent together is almost mind-boggling (e.g., 3-5 dates in the first 9 days).

It does make more sense in the context of a virtual world, however. It's easy to just sign on, meet up with someone and go. There's no cost or toll except for time. Time is the currency. And if you have the time, which clearly we do, as well as the inclination and interest, then it becomes easy.

This is just an observation I made that helps explain how we've become so close in such a relatively short (RL) timespan. I find it rather interesting. I'm often interested in the passage of time and the notion that perception of time passage is variable. Seems like an interesting concept to me, potentially even one with some sort of RL applicability or relevance at least.

I've got New York ComicCon coming up this week. Aaaaaaand that's it for now. Cheers!

Of Sailing Ships And Sealing Wax And Whether Anything Is Real In Second Life

2011-10-04T16:45:00.002-04:00

That first part (the genesis of the phrase) has been circling my brain for the past whenever. No idea why. I do like its rhyme though. And do pigs have wings? (Apparently, I misquoted it a bit.)

It's been a very busy week since that last post. The immediate next day I met someone in Second Life (SL). She said hi to me at a live music event and away we went! Within our first 1-1.5 hours of conversation, I told her I was a guy (my deep, dark SL secret), but she was cool and there it was. I've met up with her in SL almost every night since (not Friday when I was out of town) and, excepting a small bit last night (whoops!), it's going rather well (I think).

Needless to say, I am sufficiently freaked out by the whole thing. Seeing as my last date was over 2 years ago and my last relationship was over 6 years ago, and everything thus far with her has taken place in a virtual world (as it were), I do not think my attitude unfounded. Nonetheless, it's a good deal of fun and I'm enjoying the whole thing quite a bit. We've traded real life (RL) pics and tonight we will be Skype-ing for the first time. I don't own a webcam so that's not on the table (yet).

Also needless to say, I am fully aware that I gave her a key for discovering this blog. I know not whether or not she has availed herself of said key, but let us assume she has. (Hello!) Do not expect any grand revelations here, dear reader, though I shall wet your palate when possible. Mmmm... wet palates...

Knowing myself and my thoughts and attitudes towards the virtual landscape of SL, I often find it difficult to trust others there. Beyond the fiction with which you are presented, you can never be sure who lies on the other side. And so I approach much of the personal interactions there with trepidation and hesitancy.

She blew through that like a warm breeze. I'm not entirely sure how or why, but that Monday night I decided to be completely honest with her, a random stranger. I can't point to any particular precipitating element, but it seemed like the right thing for the time and, judging from the outcome thus far, I think it was. She, for her turn, has been honest in return. Refreshingly so, even. Given the nature of her and our interactions, that's about all I can hope for and ask right now.

I will observe that in this short span of one week, she's actually changed my interactions with said virtual world. Previously, my time there was rather solitary – shopping on my own, hesitating to IM what few friends I have, attending live music on my own. It's amazing how that can change in the blink of an eye. Also, through her I've become friends with friends of hers and my network has expanded almost overnight. It's not something I ever would have anticipated, nor is it something I require per se (clearly), but it is a pleasant byproduct of, well, her.

A lamentable side to this, as though one were requisite, is that she lives on the order of 10-15 hours away from me (to be sufficiently vague). I chalk that into the "not insurmountable" column, though it is there nonetheless. While I do not have literal columns of which so to speak, if they were present they would be full of much more pleasant--

Stupid flowery language. Sorry. To summarize the summary of the summary: She's great!

There are one or two things with her that I'm still wrapping my head around, but for now I'm letting it go. I don't think they have to be deal-breakers and, to me, this is so fresh that I would like to see what further develops before I overanalyze everything to death. I'm a little anxious to meet her, particularly given our virtual interactions thus far, but tonight's anticipated Skype session should be a good step in that direction.

And so faithful reader (you are faithful, right?), I have stumbled upon an adventure within an enigma! Or a mystery within a journey! Or maybe a puzzle in a quesadilla? It.. is something, to be sure, but what precisely remains to be seen. For all of us.

I'm not dead!

2011-09-25T21:00:00.000-04:00

Well, at least no more than usual.

Hello, hello! It seems like forever (or almost a year) since I actually posted something. Since I don't have unrestricted internet access at work, I can't directly post from there. This means that anything I do write between 9am and 5pm has to be saved and posted at a later time... which hasn't happened. Yet. So, yes, I have a number of posts written up and saved. Perhaps someday I'll post some of them, probably backdating them to their date of writing or some such. *shrug* Details to be worked out when and if I get there.

The short version: I still live at home with my mom and the dog. I still work at the same law firm doing the same work. They haven't fired me yet and I haven't left. I'm still very much unsettled and discontent, though I have yet to do a damn thing about it. Not dating. Not really doing much of anything other than passing the time.

Back in June I quit WoW. Again. Stopped cold turkey amidst some small upheaval in my raiding guild. Four others were leaving as their military service began soon - I piggybacked and took the opportunity to book it. Haven't looked back.

Played a few games afterwards: Dragon Age: Origins, Minecraft, Rift. Gave all those up when I got back into Second Life. I've been back in SL since July 1st and, for the most part, I'm enjoying it. It's changed a lot since my last sojourn 4-5 years ago. In particular, I'm digging the live music scene and the burlesque. I tend to spend most/much of my time at home in SL doing whatever. A good number of the posts I've written up in the past 11 weeks are about SL and/or my goings on therein.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here. Honestly, this post is the product of two desires: (1) to do something on a Sunday night; and (2) to get something up here. Part of me wants to let it devolve (further) into some small diatribe on my discontent or my loathing of Sundays (seriously) or some other equally hope-laden topic (e.g., why I'm not in SL right now), but that's not good enough for an "I'm alive" post.

Well, in a couple weeks I'll be at New York Comic Con. I'm looking forward to it. Last year I came away with a ton of books and art. I'm not looking for graphic novels so much this time, but I'm definitely going to keep my eyes peeled for art.

I've been reading up a storm since March. Oh yeah, my grandfather passed away then. He was 92. Not wholly unexpected, but.. not fun. I took a week off of work to be there with my family. So now it's just my grandmother. When I came back, I stopped going to lunch with my coworker friend (well, he stopped eating lunch at work) so I started reading instead. Since then, I've read something like 16-20 books. I'm enjoying it a lot. I look forward to the break. I love reading and it's nice being able to dedicate a chunk every day for relaxing with it.

About 4-6 weeks ago, I picked up a nook so I could stop buying paperbacks. I like it. Works well and is exactly what I want. No frills, nothing except a book reader.

I've been listening to music like a fiend - mostly symphonic metal still. It's a small obsession.

Back on August 5th, I wrote up my first burlesque work for SL - a 6-scene story. Since then I've written up a number of further burlesque acts (all single-scene, more conventional-ish). I'm not performing in SL yet, but I want to. Probably something I'll get into.. eventually.

I think that's enough for now. Nothing else comes to mind this instant and this is probably as good a summary as any. Thanks & Cheers!

NY Comic Con

2010-10-09T22:36:00.000-04:00

A friend and I hit up the con yesterday (taking the day off work) and today. We split up seeing as his interests lie primarily in the panels and mine in the purchasing. I had an absolute blast though my legs and feet are aching. I spent 6 hours on Friday walking the floor, seeing what there was to see & buying various things.

Here are a few things of note. I signed up for the Avatar VIP Package which net me a sweet Freakangels bag, 5 Freakangels prints & a dozen graphic novels (only 2 repeats). The bag is awesome. I made a hefty purchase from the illustrious Mr. Ben Templesmith. He's an odd sort, and I see his career growing every year, though he's been unassuming and down to earth the two times I've seen him. He seemed honestly surprised by my purchase, double checking that I heard him correctly when he said the comic books were $5 each. An awesome fellow. I bought some prints from Chrissie Zullo, including this sweet Star Wars one with all these mini shots of characters.

I attended a few panels today: one for The Thing; one on the women of Battlestar Galactica and one on Vertigo's upcoming lineup. All enjoyable. The BSG panel was awesome. You get a real feel that these are excellent actors who are dedicated to their craft. Plus they're amusing. The Vertigo one was nice, and I'm glad I caught it because their floor presence was nonexistent. The one for The Thing I sat in on in order to have a seat for the BSG panel, but it was cool. I guess I really have to see the John Carpenter movie.

All in all, a great time. Lots of fun and lots of booty, primarily in the form of graphic novels. (Basically I don't have to buy any more to read for at least the next few months... unless they're part of any series that I'm following, of course.) Met up with my friend & his wife for dinner on Friday night. Saw Stan Lee in passing. Amazing outfits that people wore. Saw Scott Kurtz, Brad Guigar & a host of other artists and writers. Good stuff. I'll definitely be back there next year.

Embrace Honesty

2010-10-04T22:47:00.001-04:00

I don't think the title has much to do with the content of this post, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

(1) Certain songs are associated with certain memories for me. I had my first kiss while "Today" by The Smashing Pumpkins was playing. For some reason, I had "Mysterious Ways" by U2 in my head while skiing once and forever after it has become associated with skiing for me. I remember when "Under the Bridge" played during the '92 NOAC in Tennessee and thousands of us sung along. I remember learning of Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty and Queen while serving as a lifeguard at a BSA summer camp in Cape Cod.

I suspect I've written on that before, but too bad. It was in my head and it bears repeating.

(2) When do you update your profile for online dating sites? I completely forget to do so when I'm not using them, and then when I am using them to communicate with someone I refuse to update my profile. I know I'd be a little suspicious if the person with whom I were communicating changed their profile mid-conversation.

(3) I am registered on a few online dating sites. These are holdovers and remnants from my past efforts. Occasionally someone will try to contact me on one of these sites. I'm of two minds when this happens. First, assuming I am interested in them, I am a little excited and intrigued. Second, I am hesitant. I still live at home with my mom. I'm still (sort of) trying to figure things out. I don't think I'm ready to meet someone and settle down. And even if I did meet someone cool, she'd have to be pretty understanding and patient. But I'm also not about to let something get past me, so, assuming I am interested, I do respond, which engenders the above-noted dichotomy.

(4) I want to get a tattoo. For a long time, I've wanted one. However, there are two obstacles. First, I'm not sure what it will be. Second, I'm not sure where it will go. As to the first, it would have to be something purposeful, something meaningful (to me), something I want on me. As to the second, I would not want it too visible and my skin isn't the best.

(5) I'm tired. Yes, I don't go to bed early enough during the week. Yes, I stay up too late playing computer games. No, I don't sleep in on the weekends as much as I used to. In any case, I'm tired. I feel it, it slows me down, it affects my work and my attitude.

Easy A is Easily Excellent

2010-10-04T22:44:00.001-04:00

"Easy A" stars Emma Stone as a would-be harlot that dons a scarlet A after faking her way into high school notoriety. Oh sure, the initial accusation stems from an enemy overhearing a small lie, but she then encourages the rumors and plays to them.

There are two things that stand out – the writing and Ms. Stone.

(a) The writing is absolutely delightful through and through. The verbal repartee is well done and well delivered. There are plenty of witty one-liners and comebacks, quotable to no end. The writing is also self-aware and pays homage to some of the great romcoms, including Say Anything, The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, to name a few. One of the nice things is that while the heroine delivers many of these verbal barbs, plenty of the other characters chime in. It's refreshing.

(b) Ms. Stone. Oh my, Ms. Stone. An excellent job acting. She owns the role as it must be owned to successfully sell it. Plus, her outfits are eye-catchingly pleasing. (A hopefully-nice way of saying "o_O".) I've enjoyed her other movies, but it's nice to see her in a leading role and, more importantly, carrying the movie in a spectacular manner.

(c) The other characters deserve a nod, too. This is more in league with the writing, but there really isn't a weak character in the story. Sure, there are minor characters or underdeveloped characters or unexplored ones, but the actors and actresses are great and they all should be background noise around Ms. Stone, which they are. I liked the little touches of characterization that pervade the film, hints of underlying traits and deeper backgrounds.

Notwithstanding the above, there are a few issues with the movie.

(i) The movie doesn't know what it's trying to say. If there had been some bigger message or direction, that would have been nice. In the end, the most you can pull from it is "my sex life is my business"? Or "beware the rumor mill"? Huh? The writer could have imbued the story with something more, but he didn't. And so it languishes, just a bit.

(ii) The lack of a message is further punctuated by the ties to The Scarlet Letter. While I can see the parallels and appreciate that some of the themes are similar, I'm still not sure how they truly mesh. Ostracized by the community, branded a harlot, wearing a scarlet A – fine. But this isn't colonial times and attitudes towards sex have changed since then. I'm not sure how relevant Hawthorne's work remains in view of modern attitudes. And if that is the case, that The Scarlet A is less relevant or at least its message is, then how does the movie develop any of that while retaining the broad ties to Hawthorne's novel? I don't know.

(iii) The ending, as well as other parts of the move, is too neat. There's a bow on the damned thing, and it didn't need one. The movie could have remained a great comedy and been slightly less happy-go-lucky. I have a sneaky suspicion that if the movie had turned slightly darker or been slightly more depressing or slightly less pretty, it could have become one of those amazing underground/cult movies. The potential was there, it just pushed it aside in favor of a mass market happy ending. This also ties in with the message criticism above.

All in all, I really enjoyed this one. I wouldn't say it's a "must see" for anyone and everyone, but it's a well done, well written comedy that keeps you interested. There aren't a ton of twists or surprises, but there's enough there to flush out the story. I would say that if you like romantic comedies or Ms. Stone, check this one out. Definitely worth watching, in the theater or at home.

Another Day

2010-09-27T23:22:00.000-04:00

What do I write that I haven't written here before? I'm in a downward slump again. I felt it a week or two or three ago. I felt it a month or two ago. You can often tell them here by my absence. I know what to write when things are going well, when I'm on an upswing or riding the swell. When it's down, when the trough embraces me? I don't know.

I don't know why I am the way I am. I wish I did. I wish there was a reason, some rhyme or method to the madness. If there is any, it remains as elusive as ever and I am swallowed by my own fallibility.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed of a having a girlfriend. I dreamed of finding a place for myself (metaphorically, not physically per se). A friend was there, though I don't recall anything more than his presence. I'm trying not to project onto the half-remembered wisp, but I do recall the impression I formed shortly after waking. I had dreamed of two things I want that I do not have now. And I take it to be my subconscious trying to break through, to show me.. maybe that there is a light somewhere.

So what do I do now? The same things I've been doing. Because I tell myself I must. And tomorrow is another day.

Recent Times

2010-08-10T08:20:00.001-04:00

I've been keeping moderately busy of late. Mid-July I went into The City to see an art exhibit (Lovecraft-inspired art) and catch a show (The Addams Family starring Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth). The week after I saw a local performance of Twelfth Night with some board gaming friends (Shakespeare in the park at the Beardsley Zoo). This past weekend was my younger cousin's wedding in upper-state New York (necessitating my absence from WBC).

The wedding was nice. It was good to see relatives I haven't seen in awhile. Big congrats to my cousin and his wife!

I've been playing WoW and Star Craft II of late. Passes the time and I find it enjoyable.

Yeah, so far this post feels flat even to me.

I'm of a few minds about the wedding:

(1) First and foremost, I am happy for my cousin and his wife. He is a genuinely nice guy and he found a kind, warm woman who clearly loves him. I have to expect that the two of them will be very happy together.

(2) There were two family members whose absence was felt – my dad and my grandmother's brother's wife, the former gone for 9 years and the latter gone for.. less than 1 year? It was probably more strongly felt since cousins of mine (her children) were at the wedding and talking about it, but felt nonetheless.

During the rehearsal dinner, the maid of honor (I believe it was her doing) presented a slideshow of photos of the bride and groom over the years. A couple of the photos of my cousin (2 or 3 of them) included my dad. I teared up a bit seeing them. Still gets me from time to time. And I still wonder how my life, how myself, would be different if he hadn't died.

(3) I was asked twice when my wedding would be – by my grandmother and by her brother. This wedding reinforced the ticking of the clock for me. It's not always at the forefront of my thoughts, and most days I just try to survive, but it's always there regardless.

I really need to focus on getting my life together: moving forward and advancing my plans, regardless of anything. I need to do something with my life and I need to get going now. I've been patiently waiting--well, no, I've been distracting myself as best I can, and that's not enough. I have "plans," hastily formed and moderately founded, but plans nonetheless. It's about time I started making good on them.

Because I have it in my head that I can't date until I move out of my mom's house. And I don't want to move out until I'm doing something other than what I'm currently doing. And I haven't honestly and sincerely worked on that, well, at all. So maybe it's time. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

It is time. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Before, During & After

2010-07-02T17:26:00.001-04:00

BEFORE: On Thursday, I was relatively insane. Entirely on edge in anticipation of the coffee date. I got very little done at work and I was very distracted. In fact, I have a lengthy post written yesterday as a monument to my lunacy. Out of deference to whatever shred of public image I maintain here, I will not be posting that.

DURING: So, the coffee date. We had a drink and talked from 5:15 to 7:30. Then we went to a nearby restaurant for sushi (her preference). After the meal, around 9:30 she commented that I looked tired. At that time, I realized that I was tired and that I was pretty bored. So things ended right after that, me driving us back to her car to drop her off, a "nice to meet you" and we were done (once I remembered where she'd moved her car to – I blame tiredness and idiocy).

AFTER: While the date went okay, there won't be a second date and I made up my mind on that sometime during dinner. I don't want to go into too much detail. Let's just say that it wasn't any one thing but rather an accumulation of many mild-to-medium things and hints. She made a few medium strength mis-steps, and while these weren't fatal individually or in and of themselves, combined with other, smaller points the sum total was just not good.

The "tired" comment was a small trigger for me. Not for her perception or anything, but rather the fact that I was tired and bored at 9:30 when normally I'm wide awake and rarin' to go. If I were at board games, I wouldn't know 9:30 had passed until it was 10:30 or 11:00. The single thought: "Wow. I really am tired." woke me to the fact that I wasn't finding our date to be very interesting or engaging.

I know I made some mistakes, and at points I wasn't as responsive or alive as I could have been, but I don't think I made any major errors. If I had asked for a second date, I'm pretty sure she would have said yes. I just didn't want one.

I give myself a small kudos for recognizing that it wasn't going to work. I feel like a few years ago I would have been willing to overlook all the signs and just run with it because I could, see where it goes. But now, last night, I was cognizant enough to recognize that something wasn't right. It was more intuition than anything, at least during the date. If you asked me point blank at 9:25 how I felt, I would have said something wasn't right but it would have taken me 5-10 min. to really pin it down (which I did after the date).

Part of me is sad that things turned out the way they did. I had high hopes for this one. (Which should serve as a reminder to me not to get my hopes up, but I will – every time.) She seemed like a nice person from our communication. She is a nice person. (Beats one of my two "exes" right there.) Just not nice enough, perhaps? (Which is a horrible thought since she was very nice.)

All-in-all I'm glad this happened. The date was not a train wreck and I got to brush up on my dating skills. The conversation was okay and I don't think I made any big blunders, just smaller ones from which I can try and learn. I feel a little silly that I was as stressed as I was this week. Turns out I needn't have worried quite so much. But then if I didn't worry like that I wouldn't be me, would I?

Thoughts

2010-06-29T23:17:00.001-04:00

Re blog discovery: It'll happen or it won't. I'm going to just keep on writing what I want. That's what I've always done here and what I've always sought to do here. Why change anything now? If she finds it, fine. If anyone finds it, fine. If I were unwilling to accept such risk, I would never have started this thing in the first place. Also, I'm kind of on a roll with posting and I don't want to interrupt that. I feel like posting more and I'm going to do so. In other words, bring it on, baby!

I was perusing old posts last night, ones from 2-2.5 years ago. It started when I saw something about boardgame.girl and I wanted to see what had happened with that. Rather, I know what happened (or, more accurately, didn't happen) and I know why, but I wanted to see what I was thinking at the time. It was an interesting read and I recall the thought processes very well. From this perspective (i.e., that of today), I'm glad it went down as it did. Turns out she's still around these days, still as flighty and unreliable as ever. I know I cannot handle that amount of capriciousness and it's a good thing that never went anywhere.

Then I was reading through posts after that, ones where I repeatedly despaired about blah blah blah, and I wondered why I was going out on a date on Thursday. Why am I so willing to do this now? What's changed? And I realized that I'm in a better place now. 1.5-2.5 years ago, it wasn't good. I wasn't very happy or positive (in almost any respect) and it felt like a downward spiral. These days, for some reason, I'm doing much better. I don't know if it's me accepting things or being less invested in the outcome or seeing more or discovering dreams or just having lived more, but I feel better. I'm generally happier and more pleasant. Sometimes I force myself to get out of the house and do things, but the disconsolate days are far fewer than they used to be.

That's a pretty cool realization to come to. I'm not in a different physical place nor have I significantly altered my patterns or actions, but I feel better, even on the bad days. I try to say "Today was a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be a good one. Ah well." Sometimes tomorrow is a good day, sometimes it's a bad day. But I can live with this. I think change is on the horizon. And that's okay.

So I almost feel like maybe I'm ready to try dating again. Almost. Maybe.

(Let's see how Thursday goes.)

A Warm Day

2010-06-28T20:08:00.001-04:00

A warm day is when the A/C at work is on the fritz and it's nice outside (like 90+ deg. F). At its worst, my office probably got up into the low 80's or so. Rather uncomfortable. It's no fun sitting at your desk trying to focus on boring patent work while sweaty and sleepy. Okay, it's not much more fun when it's cool and temperate, but at least you're not sweaty (though you may be sleepy).

To digress from the non-digression, I am reluctant to write much more in anticipation of Thursday (but why should I let that stop me). Oh I would like to, of that have no doubt, but I am semi-paralyzed by fear of blog discovery. I'm not looking to hide or cancel, if she finds the blog then so be it, but the knowledge of potential discovery I could readily do without. It would be mildly terrifying to sit down over coffee and hear "So, I discovered your blog..." It would be incredibly honest, but it would still be mildly terrifying. I've had it happen to me twice before - once from a random, fellow law student and once from a professor. I will always recall those moments in class. I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. It must have. *shiver* Pure, instantaneous terror.

Realistically, it'll probably happen again at some point. I expect it to, and part of me looks forward to that day to see what happens. However, part of me dreads the day with an uncertain fear. I would consider remedying the issue in this case, but it's a little too late. Certainly she would see if I fixed it now. Ah well, so it goes.

So yeah, Thursday. I bought a new pair of pants after work today. Why? Because I could use a new pair (well, a few new pairs) and I wanted to have one for Thursday. Who knows, maybe I'll need a few more if things go well. (As in wearing a new pair for each successive date, duh!)

I'm very curious to see how this plays out. I always am. I hope I've learned from my previous first dates, including the horrible blind date where I was an absolute git. In my floundering, I was less-than-kind when describing Bono and U2. In my defense, I was panicking because we had absolutely nothing in common. At all. Also in my defense, there is no defense. Boy what a train wreck. I was even misguided enough to think it wasn't so horrible. Afterwards, I thought it went okay-to-fine. In retrospect it's more of a *palmforeheadsmack* sort of thing.

Gah, I wish it were Thursday already!

(Bono rocks!)

ZOMG

2010-06-27T21:45:00.001-04:00

WAAAAAHHHHH. I've got a coffee-date on Thursday. WAAAAHHHHH. (In my head, I'm running in circles, mildly panicked. Every now and then I pause my running to lean on my knees and pant, catching my breath before I resume the circular progression.)

This is going to be interesting. We've traded 6-7 messages (each) and-- okay, yeah, I'm a little scared. That's like saying the Titanic was taking on a little water. *gulp* I haven't done this (a date) in a few years. And I have no idea what to say or do. Well, that's not entirely true at all, but it feels that way. Always does.

I have this sneaky suspicion that she's a lot like me in a few ways. From the messages thus far, --okay, crap. This place is locatable from how she found me. (If she notices the right words and does the right search, etc.) Crap, crap, crap. Ummm... This isn't me. I was never here. You didn't see me. Ummm... *waves hand in Jedi fashion* This isn't the website you're looking for.

I always forget how connected everything is. (And I didn't really hide myself very well when I joined that dating site. Whoops!) Errr... Let's hope she tells me if she finds this place. (Please?) Yeah, I've got nothing else.

P.S. Okay, yeah, now I'm scared.

The Previous Four Posts

2010-06-25T23:07:00.001-04:00

You may notice I just posted 4 not-quite-short posts in a relatively short timespan (i.e., minutes). I wrote these earlier this week and just now got around to posting them. You may also notice that the immediately preceding one refers to a girl with whom I am communicating. This is not the one I mentioned before. This is another girl who sent me a message out of the blue earlier this week. I am hopeful that if I suggest a meeting next week she might be amenable. We shall see, particularly as I have no idea how these things are supposed to go.

Anxious

2010-06-25T22:58:00.003-04:00

Dating strikes me as a supremely unbalanced equation. On the one hand, I am incredibly ill at ease. Just completely awkward and unconfident. So uncertain of myself and my actions that I think them through, rethink them and give 'em one more pass for good measure. Probably a lack of dating experience coupled with me. On the other hand, while dating you are supposed to project confidence and strength. The occasional vulnerability is permitted, but nothing too serious or significant, at least in the beginning.

So as I type replies to this girl, and as she replies to me, I constantly reread what I write, dissect and edit it. I wonder if and when she'll reply. I wonder if she's wondering half of what I am. I can blink my eyes and picture 1000 different scenarios, 99.9% of which will not come to pass. Which one is this one?

What's mildly interesting in this case, and serves as the basis for this verbalizing, is that I get the nagging sense that she's mirroring some of this. Her replies are relatively quick and consistent. I sense a bit of mirroring from what I write, and I am trying to do the same back. She signs her messages with phrases like "Hope to hear from you soon" and "Hope you're having a nice Friday." An innocuous sentiment in its own right, but not a customary one from my (very limited) experience with online dating/communication.

Thus, the balance between insecurity and confidence is in mind. Not to mention I'm otherwise insecure about quite a few things, which obviously does not help at all. So I ponder and overthink and overanalyze and wonder (and wait).

Music

2010-06-25T22:57:00.001-04:00

I've got music on the brain. M.C. Chris concert in Boston earlier this year. Phish concert last weekend. I listen to music on my iPod almost every day – in the car, while working, while surfing the web on my computer. I love music.

My recent preferences, with recent being on the order of the past 2-4 years, are for symphonic metal and the like: Epica, Nightwish, Lacuna Coil, Stream of Passion, Within Temptation, Njord, Sirenia, Theatre of Tragedy, Delain, etc. This interest of mine stems from a random interest in Rammstein, stoked by a random purchase of a used copy of their album Sensucht due to having heard of the band and an interesting album cover (a man's face wrapped in barbed wire).

While most songs for these groups (e.g., all but Rammstein) are in English, unfortunately all of these groups are European and rarely make the trip over here. I passed up a chance to see Epica in NYC earlier this year, and I regret it a little bit. I feel like I am having a newfound interest in concerts only there is little chance of me seeing some of my favorite groups because they tend to tour in Europe.

Well, movie.girl is going to grad school in England starting this Fall and I am sorely tempted to visit her there. Part of me is wondering if I can use such a trip to see some of these groups. I always threatened to go to Europe to see Rammstein should they tour again, and I believe they are or will be touring there soon. It might be cool to go see some Scandinavian metal festival. I think I'd enjoy it. I have yet to look any further into this, but I would like to.

At The RenFaire

2010-06-25T22:56:00.000-04:00

There is one "incident" I wish to relate from the RenFaire, largely because I know it will silently fester in the back of my thoughts and spring to the forefront at odd times. At the faire, there were a number of vendors selling all manner of RenFaire-related items. Yes, that is self-referential. No, I don't care. Most of the items were of little-to-no interest to me. The swords were nice, and a little tempting, but practicality is a harsh mistress. As are the credit card companies, banks and my checkbook.

One item did catch my eye. It was a plastic statue thing featuring a scantily-clad, well-endowed, winged woman in front of (reclining on?) a comparatively large crucifix (stretching about the same height and width as the arms-stretched woman) located behind a casket. The lid of the casket was removable for holding some manner of small trinkets or jewelry. Other than the lid, the piece appeared to be solid, dark gray plastic and retailed for $30.

I do not believe I have spoke often of my artistic and aesthetic tastes, and I do have some concretely-defined ones of which I am very aware, but winged women and gothic imagery (e.g., graveyards, caskets, gravestones, visages of death, skeletal figures, etc.) are way up there for me. Long ago during my action figure-buying days, and I do not believe I have spoke at length on that hobby either, winged figures counted pretty high on my list. Well-endowed, scantily-clad females, too. And I'm not afraid to shell out some money for artistic items that appeal to me. I planned on purchasing this piece.

But I made a mistake. As I was walking with 3 friends to the next show we planned to see, we passed this stall and, not too long thereafter, I commented that there was something I wished to procure. These being curious friends and us not being in a rush, they sought further explanation. To wit, "What is it?" So I said something like "Oh fine" and led them over to the piece.

Whereupon one of my friends, a slightly-older woman, said something like "It's nice if you like p-rnography."

I immediately knew what I had to do and I did just that. I put the statue down, turned away, and walked with them to the next event. While I knew that I could still buy it, I also knew that if I did either I would have to confront that statement (i.e., define it as not p-rnography and argue the point) or I would have to own the statement (i.e., accept it as p-rnography and accept the characterization it entails). There's no middle ground there and, since these are people I see on an almost weekly basis, there's no chance of such a purchase going unremarked or unnoticed. I did not wish to confront the statement – there should be no need for me to convince someone else, someone who has no stake in the purchase whatsoever, that it is not p-rnography, that I considered it art. So I let it go.

Part of me is sore with this friend for forcing me to do what I did. Honestly, it was not p-rnographic. Perhaps not in the best of tastes, most likely not worth $30, but it was not "p-rnography." And whatever her personal views on such artistic styles, it was not her place to disparage my tastes.

Also long ago, I decided to own my artistic tastes and hobbies, no matter other people's view of them. E.g., action figures, comic books and graphic novels, art styles, movie watching, computer games, etc. It is something I still have to push at every now and then, to be who I am and like what I like with fewer reservations. This small incident hit that nerve, too. I did not want to assume the concomitant associations that would have been present if I had actually bought the statue.

Sometimes I act differently when I am with friends. I accept that people wear different masks at different times for different purposes and I am no different. But for the people I was with that day, I probably would have purchased the statue.

Also but for the people I was with that day, I probably would have spoken with the woman who ran the Cirque du Sewer event. I.e., the rat-lady. I thought she was kind of cute, and I appreciated her love for her rats. It would have been cool to see them up close, hold one if permitted, etc. I love animals and I readily appreciate other people who similarly do, whether the animals are dogs, cats, birds or rats. I thought about talking with her after the show, but I didn't feel like I could since I was there with some friends. I didn't want to accept or own up to it. I probably should have done it anyways, particularly since it's so rare that I ever contemplate such things. And it would have made for a good story. And it might have been fun and interesting. But I didn't.

I do not regret the things I've done but those I did not do.
(Paraphrased from Empire Records)

P.S. Best names evah for pet rats: Bubonic and Pandemic. (Though I also would have accepted Epidemic.)

The Phish Concert

2010-06-25T22:55:00.000-04:00

I previously remarked that the concert was amazing, but I'd like to briefly elaborate on my experience. "Experience" is the word of choice here. The event was about more than just the music for me. It was a rare opportunity to glimpse into an alternative way of life. I sincerely doubt that I would have attended a Phish concert but for movie.girl's invitation. Oh I've heard of the band before, but I had not yet been exposed to their music nor would I have anticipated so. Really, it's not my "scene."

So, the scene in question. We got there about 1:15 before kick-off and found ourselves in a long line of cars in search of parking. We ended up leaving the car at a Motel 8 about 0.5 mile (guesstimating) from the venue.. for $25. And that was the best/only nearby option at the time.

At least part of the reason for the jam was a Cirque du Soleil performance being held less than 1 mile from the concert venue. Wonderful planning that one. Parking that otherwise would have been free instead featured a large tent. And more cars.

After parking, tailgating. *Everyone* was tailgating. If you weren't tailgating, you weren't attending the concert. Once inside, I better understood at least part of the reason. Inside the gates, 2 beers and 1 water cost a total of $28. Very ugly.

Once we reached the official/real parking lot, the vendors began. Well, the majority of the vendors. There were some selling things like stickers, hats and glowsticks outside that area. The "real" vendors were selling all sorts of things, such as: food, beer, water, t-shirts, stickers, patches, buttons, posters, backpacks and assorted other paraphernalia. It was difficult to get to the venue, wading past the vendors with the crowd.

Inside, we eventually made our way to our seats. Good view, not too expensive. movie.girl made friends with the guy to her left, both being Phish-heads and having seen Phish at many other shows. Apparently, that is the thing to do – follow Phish around and go to many/all of their shows. Later on, the guy shared various beverages (tequila + Red Bull = not bad) and such with her and, by extension, me.

The people. Most of the people fell into the category of what I will term "modern day hippies." Prior to the concert, my mental image of hippies included tie-dye shirts, long hair, relaxed attitude, a penchant for herbal relaxants and a smidgen of left-ish politics. Lose the tie-dye, politics and hair requirements, add a penchant for body art (tattoos, piercings) and you have the modern day hippie. Relaxed, certainly, but many/most of them look not all that dissimilar to you or I (barring visible body art). Very interesting. I never appreciated that we as a society have a "class" of modern day hippies. Apparently they all go to Phish concerts. *shrug*

The overall attitude was extremely relaxed. Very little tension. Everyone was there as part of a group, i.e., with friends. While most/all had cell phones, relatively few were playing with them at any given time. For pictures, of course, but not a ton of generic texting, e-mailing, etc. Most people were there mentally, not just physically. Plus, everyone seemed pretty friendly with one another. United, to at least some degree, in Phish-head-dom. Or something.

The concert itself was awesome. Lots of solos, lots of improv. Overall, a relaxing, fun time. Almost everyone danced to the majority of the show, grooving out to the tunes. Occasionally a waft of smoke would pique my nose, cigarette or otherwise. Glowsticks and other phosphorescent objects were tossed about in gleeful joy. Cheering, singing along with the tunes, because almost everyone knew almost all of the songs, and generally having a good time.

I found it particularly interesting when the band would devolve into a formless, abstract stretch. Without a solid beat to latch onto, it was nigh impossible to dance to such parts, but they were very interesting. Almost nouveau or new age or I don't know what. As if each of the four were playing their own tune to their own beat, but it still meshed together to form something larger and more powerful. Very fascinating.

movie.girl informed me that all of their shows are available online for download (livephish.com I think it is). I will have to purchase a copy of that show. It was music in every sense of the word. And it was something I hadn't seen before. And that's pretty damn cool.

Busy Weekends

2010-06-20T10:22:00.000-04:00

Last Weekend: On Saturday I hit up a RenFaire in Danbury with some friends. I believe it was my first RenFaire. Not bad overall. I enjoyed it, certainly, though I was a little disappointed with the quality of swordplay and acting. You do not grasp a knife or sword by the blade, no matter how cool it looks. Just don't do it. Afterwards, we went to a Greek Festival in the same town for supper. Probably my first "real" Greek meal. Very good. On Sunday I met up with movie.girl for a double header of Get Him To The Greek followed by The A-Team.

This Weekend: On Friday night movie.girl and I went to a Phish concert in Hartford. I wasn't a big Phish head before, but they really are that good. It was an absolute blast. Really just an experience. Plus she got pretty tanked which is amusing all in itself. Saturday was recovery and Sunday (today) I'm meeting up with her again for Jonah Hex.

It's been pretty busy and it ain't over yet. Well, alright, it's probably going to cool off over the next few weekends, but in July I'm planning a trip into the city for art and a show (more on that another time) and then there's a local Shakespeare in the park thing. Pretty cool.

An Interesting Day At Work

2010-06-11T19:06:00.000-04:00

Around 10:30 AM or so, one of my coworkers, the new kid who was hired out of law school late last year, came into my office and said "I've been fired." Ten minutes later, after talking about it with another coworker I turn to the secretary outside his office whereupon she informs me that one of the secretaries has been laid off.

The office is always off on one of these kinds of days. I've been with my firm for 4.5 years now, and I've seen people come and go, attorneys and secretaries alike. I've seen one retire and two leave and plenty get fired. It's always difficult to concentrate on one of those Fridays. And it's always a Friday morning.

Too bad, this time. I thought the attorney was pretty good, plus he was a friend of ours. The secretary was a really nice, young guy who did his work well. It's sad to see them go.

Stupid Floppy Disk... And a Show and an Epiphany or Two

2010-06-07T21:40:00.000-04:00

I had this fantastic post all done up.. and it's sitting next to me on an unreadable floppy disk. Maybe I shouldn't have transported it in my pocket? So today you will get the short(er) version of whatever it was I wrote on the stupid thing.

Last Wednesday, my mom and I ventured into The City (because if you live in the tri-state area there really is only one City around - NYC) to catch a show (my annual birthday present). To wit, we saw "A Little Night Music," a musical written by Sondheim. It starred Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury. An excellent, excellent show! Absolutely wonderful. Everyone in it was fantastic. CZJ stole the show when she sang "Send In The Clowns" and AL was spectacular as the aging grandmother. Just a wonderful show.

And last week I had an epiphany or two. I could give you context for my realizations or some droning about the "process," but none of that really matters. Here's what I have scratched on a small piece of paper:

What am I waiting for?

I want change and yet I do everything in my power to avoid it.

I am waiting for myself to accept change.

And I think all of that is true. I constantly bemoan my complacency and immobility while doing nothing to address it. I stay where I am, apparently waiting for something to come along, never doing anything to move myself beyond this point.

So it's time I ~~decided to do something~~ did something. Screw the economy, screw health insurance, screw my lack of savings and safety nets - I'm gonna do something. Because maybe, just maybe, I'm ready for some change after all.

I had an idea I was kicking around. I spoke with an acquaintance who has some experience and he offered another idea related to my first. It sounds interesting if nothing else. It sounds like something I'd like to try and do, whether it works or not. The cool thing is that it will require a lot of learning on my part. A concerted, continual effort to figure it out and figure out how to do it. I don't know how long that will take, but I think 6-8 months is reasonable at a guess. If nothing else, that should get me a Christmas bonus as a small safety net and possibly enough time to get myself ready (e.g., use of my current, work-provided health insurance).

I don't know if it will take off, if I'll follow through or even what it will become, but I figure it's worth a shot to find out. Why not?

Happy Towel Day!

2010-05-25T22:08:00.001-04:00

I almost forgot! (link)

Dating

2010-05-24T22:52:00.000-04:00

I've had dating on the brain for the last 2-3 weeks. Partly because a lot of my friends are pairing up and getting married, but mostly because out of the blue some random girl messaged me on a semi-random dating site. That kind of thing always throws me for a loop, and this one seems pretty interesting. 'Course I have no idea what she looks like (no photo) nor where exactly she is (maybe NYC?), and she's a law student in the midst of finals (though presumably they're over soon). In other words, nothing is happening and I'm currently trying to pretend that I'm cool and patient. (It kills me.)

Thing is, I've been avoiding dating for +2 years now. Oh I tried some internet dating. eHarmony and Match didn't pan out. Went on 2 dates from Jdate, 1 blind date a friend set up for me. And then I pretty much just stopped looking or trying. At some point, I decided not to even try until I got my head screwed on straight. I think the line of thinking was something like: If I don't know what I want or where I'm going, then I don't want to "inflict" my problems or myself on someone else. How can I expect or hope that someone else will "get" me if I don't even understand myself?

So I just stopped.. well, everything. I'm still signed up for some of the sites, largely because I'm also bad at managing my finances. (Don't ask.) I get e-mails pretty regularly - not from women, just from the sites with matches. I still check from time to time, but I'm not actively looking or messaging. I'm like a mollusk, sifting through whatever happens to float my way but not actually doing or accomplishing much.

That's a horrible analogy. (But accurate.)

ANYWAYS, every now and then a woman will message me. And I might or might not take some interest (depending on her profile, message, etc.). And I might or might not freak out a little because, hey, that's what I do. And I might or might not pause and reassess.

Because I've been where I am for 4.5 years now and that ain't cool. Not in the slightest.

Happy Birthday!

2010-04-15T08:24:00.002-04:00

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, etc., etc.

My big plans? Work, cake and board games. Nothing special in the works (excepting perhaps the cake [i]at[/i] work). Still haven't figured out when my mom and I will go into the city and catch a show. (The one we wanted, Alfred Hitchcock's "The 39 Steps," doesn't have a matinee.)

Oh, and happy tax day to the rest of the country. Yay?

Crazy Idea

2010-03-30T21:02:00.000-04:00

So, about when I wrote the previous post I had this crazy idea (that I'll likely never act on):

What if I quit my job?

What if I went in tomorrow, gave my 2 weeks notice and just quit? No specific plan in mind, no fallback, no prior directed efforts, just a radical change, a leap (of faith as it were).

Sure, it's probably just an escapist fantasy, one that I've been dreaming of for a few years now, but it's so darned appealing. To just toss everything to the wind and see where I land. 'Cause I'm sure not making any progress as it stands.

There are so many reasons not to, and yet I can think of reasons to do it.

Nay: Bills, money, health insurance, security, fear. Effect on other activities (i.e., gas money).

Yea: Change, movement, moving out of my mom's house, progress, hope. Courage.

It feels like one of those things that I'll ponder but never do. Although to be fair, there are a number of things I've pondered and done. (I can have be strong-willed when I want to.) I'm kinda hoping that I don't do it. I'm kinda hoping I don't have to, that I can find a more natural (smoother?) way to resolve things and make progress.

But if I can't...

If I can't figure it out...

When I mentioned this to one person, they suggested using a vacation to do some soul searching rather than upending the whole cart. Take some time off, get away from things and try to figure it out. I remember watching a segment during the Winter Olympics how Apollo Ono's father forced him to do that, to decide whether or not he wanted to pursue speed skating. I wonder if it would work for me.

Maybe that's not a half-bad idea. Hrmmm..

You Have A Choice

2010-03-15T06:26:00.000-04:00

You know, I have relatives in New Jersey, and every winter they complain about the snow, the crummy conditions, the poor job market... and I tell them: move.

That's all. If you don't like it where you are, just... move. You have a choice. You don't have to stay where you are, you can just get up, put one foot in front of the other... and walk away.

But they don't want to hear that. They come up with one excuse or another, and they stay there, and they stay unhappy. Because admitting that they can choose otherwise means either doing something about it, or facing their own inability to act, and they can't handle it. But I believe you can.

The quote is from J.Michael Straczynski's "Midnight Nation." A high-school counselor advising a teen to relinquish his gang life before it's too late. Different circumstances, same principle. You have a choice. More on this another time.

Period or semicolon?

2010-03-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

I have a question that I would really like to ask my friends and coworkers but can't or haven't:

Is this what you want with your life? What you do (work-wise), where you are - are you happy? Do you plan on doing it, staying here indefinitely?

And the one that will likely remain unasked: Is it enough for you?

I look at the people around me and sometimes think these questions. Some of my coworkers have families - a wife and x kids. They seem happy and I bet they are. For them, I'm pretty sure the answers are relatively easy, or at least easier.

But for others whose motivations are less apparent, I'm honestly curious. -- I keep having to delete what I write here, re-type to remain honest. I am asking with expectations and I am hoping/expecting some to feel unsettled, as I feel. I am fishing for answers, for distrust in their complacency, a sign that they, too, haven't accepted this as a period.

I guess that's always one of my fears - that I'm alone in my dis-ease. Alone in my casting about. Alone in my self-made cage. I know I'm not and I know others feel this way or have felt this way, but it's different when you get that confirmation verbally and honestly.

I know this isn't my period. And I'm looking for my next whatever, even if only in spirit and not literally. This isn't enough for me and I know that.

But why don't I do anything about it?

What Do I Want?

2010-03-10T22:57:00.000-05:00

I'm in a pensive mood, FFXIII and PS3 notwithstanding. What do I want? Someone asked me that recently. I have lots of abstract answers, tons of those. Goals more than answers and very few of them personal. In the abstract, I think I know myself or at least know about myself. But do I know what I actually want? I don't know.

Part of me is intrigued by the question and my lack of a concrete answer. I know what I am doing, what I have and where I am, but not where I want to go. I don't think I've ever known that. Even now, the best answer I can give is "not here" and "not where I am" -- hardly of any help at all.

What do I want?

The abstract is easy. The fantasy, the illusions, the daydreaming I can do without a second glance. The real leaves me confounded as ever. My mind is waylaid by the associate interrogatories - How do I get there? Is that my destination? What's wrong with here? Why can't I accept it? What's wrong? I focus on everything but the question at hand.

My mind runs in circles, round and round with no seeming end. I want to find my way. I want to find an answer. I want to find my place. And yet none of these is an answer.

Maybe part of my problem is that I never came up with a good idea of what I want and so I cannot find or move towards that which has no destination. Hmmm.

Double hmmm.

That's a show-stopper right there.

I shall have to think more on this.

Envy

2010-02-19T23:06:00.000-05:00

(Not a discussion of the seven deadly sins, thought it was fun to read about them at the link.)

I am probably one of the more envious people I know. I don't harbor the customary ill will that is perennially associated with envy, but I enjoy its excess on an almost daily basis.

I am envious of those who have picked a direction and followed through on it.

I am envious of those who have a complete life and are content with it.

I am envious of those in healthy relationships, those getting married, friends in happy relationships and friends getting married.

I am envious of those who are clearly not plagued by the questions and doubts that haunt me every day.

I am envious of those who like what they do and do what they like.

I am envious of those --

Wow. That.. that's.. that's a lot of self-pity right there, isn't it? It's part of my cycle. I don't want to deprive those of whom I am envious, I simply want what they have for myself. I don't begrudge these "other people" and I am, in fact, happy for them and their success. I begrudge myself my lack of success.

It's a Friday night in merry olde Connecticut. I am home with the dog, typing this at approximately 11pm, wondering.

Questions

2010-01-26T01:17:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching Choke, a weird indie movie starring Sam Rockwell. It's one of those movies that asks more questions than it answers, but at least this one has a nice bow on it. It's intriguing and bizarre in so many ways that I was enthralled, gripped by its insanity and the calm, cool way the outlandish was accepted as is, as normal.

I ask myself many questions all the time. What am I doing here? Where do I belong? Why do I do these things to myself? When will I break free from this cycle? Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions. As yet, it's pretty clear I have no answers for these questions. No shining light or discovery or epiphany has managed to rock me from this state, move me. In many ways I feel trapped, whether it be by my modest success or my many inabilities to find escape velocity.

But maybe I've been approaching this all wrong. That's not to say I know the right way or have any single notion of what a right way might be, but I know that my current "way" isn't it.

Sometimes I wonder - is this it? Is this what life is like for everyone? You find some niche, carve it out for yourself and settle in? Get married, have some kids, work to put food on the table and provide for your family and, in the meantime, that's life? Has everyone around me bought into this? (And secretly I ask myself: Why can't I? Why can't I be settled and follow this path? What's wrong with me?)

And there it is. The questions I can never answer and the one I always ask. I stay up until late hours of the night. I am frozen in inaction when I should not. I am lost, at sea as it were, even when surrounded by things that entertained me not hours earlier. And I combat these feelings by inaction, by waiting for them to pass and Monday to come and work to resume and the boredom to take hold again when I am otherwise not paying attention.

I think a part of me rejects the underpinnings. I don't know why or how to battle it or whether to fully give in - I just know what it feels like and that I feel helpless when I know I am not.

Perhaps this is too much truth, too much honesty in a place where I strive to be as guarded as ever, but I'll let it stay, to be reread and rehashed and rethought. Maybe the question isn't how to break out of my current cycle, but how to start a new one. How do I start a new life?

2009: Looking Back On A Year

2010-01-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

2009. The Ignoble Year? The Year That Wasn't? What Did I Do Again?

What are titles that I tossed out for this post? Correct! You have control of the board.

I tried to recall what happened in 2009. What did I do? Where did I go? Years from now, if someone asked me what happened in my life in 2009 how would I answer? Truthfully, and I will speak the truth from time to time, not much. Not much at all.

I did very little. Of note, I went to NY ComiCon. I went to WBC in Lancaster, PA. I played board games, I bought board games and DVDs and Blu-rays and CDs and a Tauntaun sleeping bag (MR. Tauntaun to you!) and things I didn't need and things I enjoyed. I played computer games, I played World of Warcraft (WoW), I didn't play WoW, I spoke to some friends, I ignored others, I went to work, I watched other people lose their jobs and I was afraid to lose mine. I learned about the dark side of our dog groomer, I learned to trust people and old friends who I once trusted. I learned things and forgot things and remembered things and dreamed things. I found a dream and I never pursued it. I complained incessantly about my odious job and my inability to do anything but complain and I totally failed to find my way.

And that's what I regret most. I never even tried to dig myself out from under this cloud. I didn't even try to pick myself up. I don't know, maybe part of me is waiting for the life-altering incident that will never come. Or maybe part of me thinks myself incapable of extraditing myself. Or maybe, and this one's the really scary one, part of me doesn't *want* to pull myself up. I don't know and I never even tried to figure it out.

I look at my posts for 2009 and see fear, hope and then.. nothing. Maybe 2010 is "the year"? Maybe then? I don't know. I wish I did, I really do, but I just don't know. I hope it is, though. I still hope.

2009: A Year Of Regrets (And Hope).

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-24T14:53:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays! Here's wishing you the very best and a pleasant and safe holiday season!

To All Those Friends I've Ignored

2009-12-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry. It's nothing you said. I'm not angry with you. Really, there's nothing bad between us. I'm sorry I haven't called and I'm sorry it's been so long.

See, there's this thing where I hide in my shell and don't reach out to my friends. Nothing happened, nothing caused it, there's no real reason. It's what I do, it's what happens. There are good friends of mine that I haven't spoken with in years. Years. I'll speak with them again, I just haven't lately.

So to any of those friends reading this, and you know who you are (and, unfortunately, there are a lot of you), I am really, truly, honestly sorry. We will talk again soon.

Family

2009-11-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Family and dinner. My younger cousin bought a house. My older cousin is pregnant with her second. This year we had "Tom The Turkey," raised by my uncle. Excellent meal. My grandfather is degrading faster and faster. My grandmother, too. These get harder and harder.

We're not close. My family that is. My generation - we swore we would be different, we would keep in touch, stay together, be the glue. We're not. We're not friends. We're each crazy and messed up in our own right. We watch our parents and grandparents move in their patterns. We see each other on the holidays and mean well, but we didn't change a thing.

I know that every family has its problems - its flaws and blemishes, its skeletons and secrets. We are no different and I watch us tear apart for it. I don't know that the happy families exist. I don't know one. Not a one. When my grandparents are gone, the larger family will disintegrate into non-communication and fade away. Twenty years from now, one of us will say to their son or daughter or nephew or niece: "You have cousins in New Jersey/Texas/New York/Massachusetts. We haven't seen them since your great grandfather passed away."

It saddens me.

It's not even that I really want to keep up with these cousins. I don't need the family to persist as it has. It's a wild, growing element that will become what it is to be. I just don't want the next generation, the toddlers now and the ones soon to come, to have the same unresolved curiosity that I sometimes feel. We had family in Germany, in Europe, in Israel. Had.

What the...

2009-11-03T23:21:00.002-05:00

Strolling around the grocery store this evening and what do I spot? A SIXTH HITCHHIKER'S BOOK?!???! Why was I not informed?! How did I not see this coming??!? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS STILL GOOD IN THIS WORLD, WHY WAS I NOT TOLD??!?!!

Incidentally, the novel is titled And Another Thing... and is authored by one Eoin Colfer, author of the Artemis Fowl series of young adult books.

We apologise for the fault in the communication. Those responsible have
been sacked.

Languishing

2009-10-10T20:03:00.000-04:00

Languish:

–verb (used without object)
to be or become weak or feeble; droop; fade.

to lose vigor and vitality.

to undergo neglect or experience prolonged inactivity; suffer hardship and distress: to languish in prison for ten years.

to be subjected to delay or disregard; be ignored: a petition that languished on the warden's desk for a year.

to pine with desire or longing.

to assume an expression of tender, sentimental melancholy.
–noun
the act or state of languishing.

a tender, melancholy look or expression.

I languish. Very little-to-no progress in any real way. I have a good idea, though. I think I'd like to get into publishing, preferably fiction or graphic novels or comics. Try some sort of radical career shift and see what happens. After all, it can only get better from here, right?

Right?

Well, that might be the case assuming I did something about it. In the absence of real progress, work at my current job continues unabatedly. I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. No one yells at me or says anything anymore. I think we may have reached some sort of compromise, an unspoken understanding that I'm a colossal fuckup and that I do good work when I do work and little that my bosses say can or will affect this state. I'm sure I'll wear down their patience at some point, but obviously not yet. As long as I don't screw up in some huge manner, and as long as I'm still good for the bottom line, which I currently am, my bosses are nonconfrontational enough that things will continue and I will be employed and paid.

I keep thinking "we'll see how long that lasts" but it's already lasted longer than I thought it would so who knows. As someone recently put it to me, perhaps things haven't yet reached that threshold where I force myself to act. Is complacency so bad? Am I really (that) unhappy in my current position?

I don't know. All I do know is that I continue to languish in this self-made purgatory. During the week I internally scream and fight against my daily work, while on the weekend I sit around directionless and immobile. I took a nap this afternoon for 3.5 hours. I watch television. I watch movies that I've seen half a dozen times already. My head runs in circles and I don't know what to do with myself. If that's not languishing, I don't know what is.

I know I'll break this cycle some day. I also know that I've said and written that before to little effect. Ah well, more another time.

Notes to Self:

2009-07-16T15:40:00.001-04:00

For the past 2.5 years, I've been living in fear, waiting for the axe to fall, waiting to be fired. I've been given numerous warnings from my bosses. I've told friends of mine that I would be surprised to make it another x months or that I would most likely be gone by x date. I've gone into work many days wondering if that day, today, would be my last.

But I'm still here at the same firm, in the same position, doing the same things, reacting the same way.

It's about time I choose to change.

And in view of something about how writing it down makes it even more true...

Unless they fire me first, by the end of this year I will quit my job.

Since I've just been given another warning that first clause may hit regardless, but let's see how things go -- I would prefer not to leave on bad terms if I can avoid it. There are a number of ancillary goals to work towards on the way, but I think the above is step one, goal one. A lot of my unhappiness comes back to my job so why do I cling so voraciously to it? Change.

I'm not going to set down everything here quite yet. I'm going to work on some of the more personal, initial steps first -- changing my attitude and behavior. The rest in due time, first steps first.

It's not that I can do this or that I will do this. I am doing it. Starting here, starting now. Change.

Food For Thought

2009-07-16T15:06:00.000-04:00

From: Epiphanies on Weight Loss

Select quotations (blockquotes omitted for readability):

The more self-examination I did, the more I realized that being overweight wasn't my problem at all. Being overweight was a symptom of my real problem - apathy. I seemed to be content to allow the world to just pass me by without getting into it, or getting anything out of it.

I believed that not liking roller coasters was my preference - my own choice. In truth, other choices I had made were the ones that ultimately influenced my preferences.

I think if I choose to like different things, maybe I will like different things. Maybe I can have the life I choose to live instead of one where things sort of just happen.

Something about how writing it down makes it even more true.

1) If you don't choose to live your life a certain way, you will live it anyway, but not on your own terms.

I realized that I am a product of the choices I have made. I turned out exactly the way I was supposed to be. Eating isn't the thing that made me fat. My whole life was what made me fat. More importantly, I haven't been victimized by my choices. My life is simply cause and effect. If I want different output, I need different input. Plain and simple.

3) Don't wait for a certain set of circumstances to become the person that you want. Become who you want to be now, and let circumstances change afterward.

4) You can enjoy whatever you choose to enjoy.

So, if I can learn to love beer and cigarettes, surely I could learn to love walking/jogging/biking/etc. I can't really explain it other than saying, I just told myself to enjoy these activities, and somehow it worked. Now, I get up every morning before work and do a two mile walk or jog. In the evenings I do 10 miles on the bike, or another walk or jog. I can't explain why I enjoy it, other than this is what I have chosen.

5) Don't look find reasons to not be fat. Find reasons to be thin. Positive reinforcement is the only way to really achieve any personal goal.

I decided however, that I wanted my life to be very different from how it was in the past. I wanted to teach myself to enjoy new things. I wanted to be open to experiences I haven't had, and to enjoy things I didn't know I might enjoy. And this became my motivation.

6) Live the change you want to be.

This particular epiphany yielded a startling result. I no longer missed the things from my former life. Sure, I'd like to have a slice of pizza, but I don't miss it. I don't crave it. I remember having fun playing computer games like World of Warcraft, but it just holds no appeal for me anymore. These desires and interests leaving me didn't happen slowly like I expected. It was kind of sudden. I used to eat several thousand calories a day, now I don't. I used to spend 15 to 20 hours a week with computer games, and now it's pretty much zero. I'm not really better or worse for any of it either - just different. I don't think there's anything wrong with eating an entire large pizza, drinking a sixer of beer, and playing World of Warcraft until four in the morning, I just don't have the desire to do that anymore.

7) Weight loss isn't the problem, it is a symptom of a different problem.

So I started to wonder. What does weight loss have to do with making my bed every day? The answer is "nothing". So what is the bed making about then? I realized that the reason I was doing it is that I had cultivated a new sort of personal discipline. I wanted my life to be different, and it was. In fact, the weight loss isn't the thing that has opened things up for me. It's all of the other epiphanies. The weight loss is only one benefit of the lifestyle changes I have made. Self-discipline is another. All of the good things happening in my life are under a bigger umbrella than I even realized I had raised. The desire to be different hadn't just changed the things I expected it to change for the better. It had changed a lot of other things for the better, too.

********

I think people only need to realize this: You are whatever you have made yourself to be. If you're happy with the result, then don't go changing for anyone. But if you aren't, you are the only one who can change your life. May as well start right this second.

When I tell people about my weight loss, they always want to know what program I did, and I always tell them. But I'm now believing that the program I'm on matters very little. It is just one of many possible successful paths. It was the decision to change and the desire to put that plan in motion that was most important of all.

"Real Fact" #361

2009-07-07T16:05:00.000-04:00

The pineapple is a very big berry.

So sayeth the Snapple cap. So say we all!

The Out-Side

2009-07-05T22:02:00.001-04:00

"Legend tells of a realm known as the "Out-Side", a vast open space where a fearsome burning orb hangs overhead, casting a harsh light over the land. Some say that to venture Out-Side is like unto death, as many have forever forsaken their blogs and messageboards and parents' basements once they have tasted of this strange and eldritch plane. Still others claim that the mystical "Life" may be found in the Out-Side, and that endless adventure and fantastic experiences await those brave, or foolhardy, enough to abandon their keyboards and pass through the portal of Frontdoor." - oball on OotS boards

-- Signature of bubba0077, seen here.

Truer Words Ne'er Were Spoke

2009-06-21T12:41:00.002-04:00

Over at Boing Boing Gadgets, Steven Leckart posted his enthusiastic first impressions regarding the recently released iPhone 3G S. This happens to be Mr. Leckart's first iPhone and he's been looking forward to it for some time. The first commenter had this to say:

It's awesome that you own up to being an irrational fanboy. You are a beacon of insanity in a far too sane world and I love you for it.

Sadly for you, I am not a nubile young starlet.

Sometimes, Some Ways

2009-06-17T17:22:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wish I'd made this blog (more) private and/or anonymous. One of the reasons posts have been so infrequent is that I can't write about the things that matter most to me. I cannot describe the things that are happening, the thoughts flitting through my mind, the fears and hopes and anxiety and happiness and sadness.

In some ways this is a good thing. One of the reasons not to draft such posts is that I know they can (and most likely will) come back to bite me. In these days of ubiquitous internet access and search engine savvy, less is more. Presence, yes, but tempered with self consciousness and self control. The younger netizens will and are learning this lesson, but too often only after it is injurious. Sometimes I like to think I know better.

In some ways this is a bad thing. No ranting and raving. No fists raised against the sky, shouting in the storm amidst the tempest. No solicitations or sharing. Just silence punctuated by the occasional sigh with no further explanation or context. There is a distinct absence of truth and soul and that I truly regret.

In some ways this is frustrating. Frustration on top of frustration. If I cannot write about that which is of primary importance to me, most other words seem pale and wan in comparison. Better to say nothing than something feeble and half-hearted?

Sometimes, someways, somewhere, somewhen.

Tidings For An Addled Time

2009-05-28T17:24:00.000-04:00

It's been rough the past few months. January was good, but it's been downhill ever since. I've been fairly angsty of late. Where am I going? What will I do? How will I get there? (Not that I know where "there" is, of course.) How does one measure "success"? Time progresses and I do not.

Work suffers, WoW playing increases. About a month ago I took stock of my finances. Since then I've attempted to curtail expenses, though Memorial Day sales enticed me to pick up more clothes and, thus, my expenses haven't significantly diminished.

I sit at my computer and--

I'm not sure what to do, how to kick start the inevitable upswing. I measure my current status by my work barometer. This has strong correlations to income and perceived job security. Income to pay off accruing debt. Job security for a job I am unconvinced I want to retain. Circles and circles, but circles don't lead to new patterns. I'm still waiting for a light bulb of inspiration.

It's probably not so dark and dismal a painting, but too often it can feel that way, painted in shades of fear and uncertainty. Probably why diversion is such a central tenet for me. Movies, music, books, graphic novels, computer games and board games.

I know I will break free from this, I just don't know when or where. Not right now, not today, not here. (But soon?)

Eureka!

2009-02-20T01:16:00.000-05:00

I had an epiphany today. I figured out what I want to do. I want to be a comic editor.

One of my morning reads linked to this post over at Kung Fu Monkey. From there, I perused its predecessor. Later on, I found this article elsewhere.

I love comics and graphic novels and, without having to serve as a pivotal basis of original content generation (e.g., the literal art or story), it seems like a comic editor fits an interesting role. Part management, part creator, part overseer.

I also feel like some of the skills I've learned from my past 3 years as a patent agent could come to bear. Often times I need to coordinate with inventors in order to discuss their thoughts on my interpretation of their work. There's quite a bit of organization and juggling required, not to mention deadlines and the like. Plus a fair amount of writing, editing and reviewing. I'm not sure yet what the pitch will sound like but I think I could make it work.

It intrigues me. I'll have to look into it more, learn what I can, see what I see. For the moment, it's an idea, a possible direction, something to explore. So we shall see.

Stories

2009-02-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

Stories bring things to life. My favorite purchases, my favorite pictures, my favorite memories - all are intertwined with a story.

I went to NY Comic Con yesterday with a friend/co-worker. I purchased quite a few things including: an original sketch by Ben Templesmith (sketch is of Medusa from Wormwood and, I believe, was a random sketch not used for anything in particular), also some signed comics from Mr. Templesmith (he drew a heart on each cover - kind of neat to see a little personalization with the signature), a limited edition signed print from Greg Horn (it's the '09 NY Comic Con Lithograph of Phoenix, limited to 100 pcs), and a limited edition set of Dawn prints by Joseph Michael Linsner (Dawn and the seven deadly sins, celebrating 20 years of Dawn, limited to 2000 sets, Linsner signed each of the eights prints for me).

I love the art that I bought, truly, but I was also purchasing stories. This is art that, in an ideal world, will eventually be framed and hanging on my walls. And each of these pieces will have a little story to go with it about how I met the artist. Oh the stories aren't very moving or even interesting, but I met them. I saw them sign them. I was there. And these are the evidence, the centerpieces.

It's a concept Hugh MacLeod is fond of espousing - marketing as story-telling. If you make your product the centerpiece of an experience, something upon which the purchaser can build a story and relation, then you have achieved good marketing and you should prosper. Sell the story and the rest will follow.

Or something like that. (I am hardly a marketing guru like Hugh or Seth Godin. I just admire them from afar.) But I know of the concept, I recognize it as valid, and I believe in its power. I know it to be true. And so it is for these purchases.

Twenty or thirty years from now, when I am far removed from this place and time, there is an excellent chance that I will have that original Templesmith sketch on the wall and I will look at it with fondness. Someone standing next to me may turn and ask what it is. And I, in turn, will briefly relate how I met the artist at a comic convention in NYC oh so many moons ago and how pleasant he seemed to be. He's from Australia and he draws incredibly weird things. Tentacles and worms and mad hatters and vampires and, as the picture shows, a stripper named Medusa who guards a rift/portal/thing using tattoo snakes that she controls. Templesmith.

Logic & Illogic

2009-02-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

So much of my life is ruled by logic. Income and expenses. The clock. A+B=C. Most events are assumed to prescribe by this ill-conceived notion of cause-effect, sequence and consequence, before and after. It is when events fail to abide by these concepts that we decry the lack of logic.

I like to think that I inject a certain amount of illogic into my life and the lives of those around me. While I generally subscribe to logical notions like cause-effect, I also believe in chaos and its unceasing swirl of illogic. Sometimes there is no explanation, no reason, no rationale for rational explanation. Sometimes there just is.

I am often prone to irony if not sarcasm. What better way is there to mock logic? If the fated, logical answer is A, what more can one do than pointedly, and sarcastically, announce not-A? It is with this attitude that I often approach things. If something is clearly difficult or onerous, you are wont to hear me quip: "I'm sure that will be fun." If there is a best move or answer and I think it obvious, I will likely advocate another, incorrect option.

Sarcasm is proverbially said to be the lowest form of wit. I disagree. While perhaps not the highest (said tier being reserved for knock-knock jokes involving fruit), sarcasm certainly can be wielded as an art form whose usage decries even its own existence with a singular retort.

But I digress. I am a slave and a supplicant to the logical fallacies of this world, and yet I bask in the chaos and illogic that infuses us all. For example, I absolutely adore the underpinnings of chaos theory, wherein a deterministic system devolves into chaos.

I swear this post had more cohesion before I was waylaid by contemplations of the meaning of sarcasm and irony. And now? Now it is a half-formed jumble of incoherency. I would attempt to revive its direction only now my head is directionless and I am clueless. (Tends to happen as the day goes on.) Notwithstanding this failure, it is posted in the vain hope that there yet remains some hint of truth amidst the chaos.

Perhaps that is the tale -- amidst the chaos there may yet remain a nugget of truth and definition and order. Or perhaps the world is lost at a sea of chaos, much as this post is lost to inane ramblings and half-formed conceptions. Does the indeterminacy of it yet drive like a needle through your mind?

Down The Rabbit Hole -- Rabbit Hole Day '08

2009-01-27T17:42:00.004-05:00

(From Boing Boing.)

My rabbit hole was a cold Thursday in January. It began like any other with my arrival at the office. Despite the Styrofoam coffee cup in my hand, I was half-asleep, trudging through my morning ritual on autopilot. Even sitting at my desk, loading up my morning websites and checking e-mail accounts, my eyelids sunk lower and lower, hindering my meager efforts.

Sitting there, eyes closed and brain stalled, I heard the sound of slithering, a rough surface rubbing against carpet in a rhythmic pattern. At first I dismissed the noise as a byproduct of my latent consciousness, but the volume steadily increased. At some point the peculiarity of the swishing seeped into my head and my eyes flew open. It sounded as if something large in the hall was approaching the door to my office.

Silently turning my head towards the doorway, nothing appeared out of place. The sound continued to grow, approaching din-like proportions, until a man-sized figure came into view. The.. thing sported the head of a fish hunched over a man-shaped body covered in glistening, gray-blue scales, each about an inch wide. Its lower jaw protruded below a maw of black, a row of fangs readily apparent. Its "hands" and "feet" were webbed masses with little differentiation between fingers or toes. The creature dragged a tail behind it, leaving a dark, wet stain on the mottled carpet.

I froze, afraid to move lest I attract its attention or incite it to anger. As it slowly trudged past the doorway, I could hear melodic overtones like faint bells sounding at random, barely audible over the friction of its tail. The man-fish continued moving to my left out of sight, the slithering noise slowly diminishing until it became the merest hint of an echo.

Blinking my eyes, my mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. Looking at the floor, I could barely discern a smear of damp, darkened carpet running past the doorway. My brain churned with the half-remembrance of my vision. Even as I struggled to preserve the clarity of the image, he slipped from my grasp. In the end, all that remained was a half-formed, hazy image of a hunched-over figure.

To this day, I am unsure what transpired that morning. Whenever I glance at the brown-gray carpet of the hall, I see a faint trail along its path. Sometimes I sit in my office staring out the doorway, listening in my mind to the rhythmic swish-swish and soft tubular bells. I hope to see him again someday. And I hope that when I do see him, when next he passes my threshold, I have the courage to say "Hello."

(Edit: Happy Birthday Lewis Carrol!)

"Immanentizing the Eschaton"

2009-01-13T08:12:00.000-05:00

The phrase is from "Doktor Sleepless," one of Warren Ellis' current projects. Excellent book so far (I'm not finished with volume 1 yet). According to issue 4, "immantentizing the eschaton" means bringing on the end of everything, i.e., inciting the eschaton. Do not mess with Warren Ellis. He is King of the Internet.

A friend of mine commented on my lack of posting and, though I don't have quite enough time to give this post the attention it deserves, I thought it high time I put something up in place of that outdated Amsterdam one.

Work is... unsettling right now. A week ago Monday, they let someone go. Oh it was one of the "new" people (hired about six months ago) and it wasn't unexpected (one of our big clients drastically scaled back their work at the beginning of December), but it's a little off-putting. Yesterday, another of the new people resigned. The e-mail states that he wanted to go back to school, get a Ph.D., pursue a career in academia. Both of the aforementioned new people were unexperienced. Another of the new people, this one being experienced in the field, was told last week that he needs to "become profitable" within a month or he's gone. As for the rest of us here at work, the quantity of work is drying up a bit. None of us are overloaded, as we all were a year ago.

As for me, I don't think I'm in danger of losing my job. Do I want to lose my job? That's the real question. I know I want a new, different job, but I also want to weather the declining economy. I want to survive and, in this case, that means keeping my job until I get a new one.

Last night, I bought an iPhone. Yay. I am tempted to use it to begin Twittering. We shall see if that comes to pass.

While I was at the mall last night, it hit me – the downturn in the economy is making the world a scary place. Oh I've always been pretty insulated from the bad things(TM), but now the recession is making it real. The mall is already a pale shadow of its former self. More stores are closing all the time and the mall is becoming a hollow shell filled with empty stores and hanger-ons. It's starting to become real now and it's scary.

Home, car, family, dog, World of Warcraft, all going well. Catching the occasional movie. The DVR is a godsend. New furnace recently. A while ago, mom was in a minor car accident on her way to school. She's fine and her car is undergoing repairs.

As for me, well, I'm surviving. When I returned from my trip, things at work had changed. I was given a new system to implement and changed to an hourly rate. I swear the vacation did me well and I returned ready to work. I'm not working enough, not yet, but it's been better than it used to be and my bosses are okay with me. I'm getting things done and putting in time.

But I'm not happy. Though things have improved a bit, I'm still not happy with my career and I still view this as a temporary gig. Someday I will have to get a new job, move out of my mom's house, make my way in the world. In many ways, it feels like I've stalled for the past 3 years. I don't regret any of it, I almost never regret things, but I do need to change it at some point. Fear keeps me from diving over the edge, though, so no radical changes.

But it will change. It must.

Disconnect

2008-10-28T14:34:00.003-04:00

So, I'm currently writing from Amsterdam, towards the end of our whirlwind tour-de-force (movie.girl & I). More on the trip in a later post, when I get back stateside. This one is about the moment/tonight.

See, movie.girl and I have this certain disconnect which led to a minor disagreement this eve.

She's pissed at me for being me. That is, for being relatively quiet, somber, and not upbeat. She's annoyed because she's the upbeat one, here to entertain me and begin conversations because otherwise I remain stoic and uncommunicative.

As for my part, I'm annoyed with her, though I have yet to voice this to her this trip. She's always right, I'm always wrong, she can do no wrong and I can do no right. I let her lead because if I don't then I'm wrong and she will lead anyways. She cannot, will not and/or is unable to relinquish control to anyone (she & I have talked on this before) and, therefore, I relinquish control to her as that just saves time and hassle in the long run.

Admittedly, I am quiet and stoic and prone to reflection as opposed to outburst or discourse. In contrast, any view point that differs or diverges from hers is wrong. She simply cannot understand or appreciate it.

We went on a tour of Anne Frank's house tonight. Afterwards, she asked my reaction. I don't really have one. Museums like that don't really mean so much to me because they serve better as monuments to symbols, symbols that have a greater force and effect than the museum can ever aspire to. They're shadows of greatness or horror, cast upon a future time to echo.

I tried to tell her some of this and she mocked me. So I asked her what it meant to her. She gave me her answer, and I tried to explain that these museums don't mean as much to me as the family tree I have that shows those relatives lost to the concentration camps.

And she mocked me again.

So my voice rose a bit and I became impassioned/angry/annoyed and she in turn became pissed with me.

I can't talk with her about anything meaningful because if my opinion or viewpoint is different then she cannot appreciate it and discounts it.

Disconnect.

So I'm typing this in the business center of our swanky hotel (it really is quite nice) at 7:45pm (local time) because I don't want to stay in the hotel room with her. She'll never understand me and she doesn't want to try. It's all about her and what she has to do and what people and things mean in relation to her.

And I can't say any of this to her face because she would disagree and fire back and not listen. She can't hear me speak. So I'll take the ultimate passive-aggressive move and write a post about it.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. Find somewhere to sit and drink (tea, beer, alcohol, whatever) and read my book. A Tuesday night in Amsterdam, halfway across the world, and I'm not sure where to go. Maybe I'll go see Rembrandt Square. *shrug*

Disconnect.

Intermission

2008-10-19T21:20:00.002-04:00

We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsors.

Tomorrow, I leave for a 10-day vacation. movie.girl and I are headed to Europe! On the menu: Cardiff, (Liverpool), York, Stratford-upon-Avon (SuA), Brussels and Amsterdam.

The focus of the trip is David Tennant's performances with the RSC at SuA, Hamlet and Love's Labour's Lost. In Cardiff, we plan on hitting the Doctor Who Exhibition. In Liverpool, we dine with an acquaintance of movie.girl's. In York, we dine at Betty's. In SuA, we mob David Tennant and wave at Patrick Stewart. In Brussels, we pause. And in Amsterdam.. well, who knows what will transpire in the city of excess.

I'm already looking forward to two weeks of no work. Feeling freer than I have in a long time. My first international trip in about 3 years. Can't wait to go back to York. Betty's! The Minster! Looking forward to seeing David Tennant. Also meeting up with a British attorney in London, just for lunch and drinks. So much to see and do. Cannot wait.

Haven't packed yet. Not going to start right yet. I always pack at the last second. Such a bad idea but hey.

Can't believe we're flying out tomorrow.

In any case, I'll be AWOL for a while. The Actuary's wedding is *right* after we get back. I'm a groomsman for that. Should be lots of fun.

See you on the other side! (Unless I post an update from the road.)

The Fit and The Shan

2008-09-23T15:22:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, the fit hit the proverbial shan at work (though I suppose the fit is also proverbial). I'd overslept for no good reason, finally arriving at work around 11:15am only to rediscover that the fax/item I should have responded to last week (or the week before that or the week before the week before that) finally made its way to the ears of my boss.

So not good.

Yeah, in a lot of trouble. Way behind on many, many things. Very ugly.

Good parts: I'm still here. I finally went through my office and now know what I have to get done. I did some things yesterday. I'm doing more today. Things may be improving. No one actually yelled at me very much.

It always fascinates me how, even when you turn the corner (assuming I have indeed turned a proverbial corner), things have to get worse before they get better. There is no magic shortcut to go from bad to good. It's always a progression that undoubtedly dips into "worse" before turning upwards towards "better." I wonder why that is.

When is a movie poster not a movie poster?

2008-09-15T16:42:00.001-04:00

When the MPAA says so. Kevin Smith's response is dead on, though.

Political Thoughts

2008-09-15T10:45:00.001-04:00

Though I have strong feelings on politics and politicians, I'm not particularly well-informed so my passing interest isn't sustained and my dabblings don't extend to any great depth. Even so, I enjoy reading the occasional article or blog post.

Lately, the big discussion topic, of course, is McCain's selection of Palin as his VP running mate. I routinely feel as though many of the discussions miss the mark, however, since they're often focused on the superficial aspects and rarely delve into policy. Yes, she's a woman, and yes, she may have the odd position askew from the Republican base, but by and large Palin's positions and policies are in line with the conservative base. Regardless of her appeal, she's so conservative that I find it impossible to like her.

What always surprises me is how the "liberal media," a descriptor intended to cover every American news program not directly sponsored by an avowed Republican, and some that are, routinely fails to report and/or emphasize the pro-Democrat / anti-Republican stories. I might be tempted to use phrases like "fair and balanced" except it really isn't. By my internet perusal, I read ten times more interesting, fact-based stories (i.e., ones that actually can be supported by, oh I don't know, evidence) than ever appear on the news.

For example, the recent disclosure concerning military ops in Pakistan and US troops on the border being given permission to fire into Pakistan without provocation? That was reported about 21 min. into the NYC evening news with Katie Couric. The story lasted about 1 min. or so. With coverage like that, it's hard to believe we're privy to any news at all, let alone significant news such as, oh, our "recent" military involvement in Pakistan.

Admittedly I am a liberal and I'm annoyed when stories that interest me aren't reported or given much exposure, but you would think that I'd be less annoyed because it's a liberal media that is so clearly pro-Democrat. Or that's what I've been told.

Maybe I'm just becoming more cynical these days, I don't know. I actually expect the news media to give us news, preferably based on evidence and facts. Given that our country hasn't operated based on evidence and facts for the past 7.5 years, maybe my expectations are far-fetched. Probably just the scientist in me who wants to see a more scientific approach. Probably means I'm un-American or some such. Or that I'd like to see more accountability for those in charge who routinely and knowingly operated contrary to or in purposeful ignorance of facts and evidence. Could also just be my cynicism. Who knows?

While I have hopes for the election this November, I'm not very hopeful that the world will change and all will be right (not that it ever was, of course). I'm hoping for improvement, namely some forward movement that is more progressive than we've seen in a long time. Maybe some positive foreign relations and an improvement in the general attitude and view of America. Maybe a more inward-looking position that seeks to address our internal problems before attempting to impose our collective national will on others. Maybe I'm out of my gourd.

I'm pulling for Obama and hoping that America remembers some of the things that have happened in the past 8 years. You know what they say – those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I don't think we can afford to repeat this history. I'm not sure we'll still be here afterwards if we do.

Where It's At

2008-09-11T14:14:00.001-04:00

It's been a while. I don't see the infrequency of the posts improving in the near future. Work is shite, which means things aren't going well and, thus, I'm not doing well. Addicted to World of Warcraft once again. Still playing board games. Living in denial and ignorance whenever possible.

I wish I could tie the frequency of posts to a positive or negative trend in my life, but there really isn't much correlation. When I'm good, I may post about the good. When I'm bad, I may post complaints and rants. The absence of posts isn't a good indicator one way or the other.

One reason posting is light is that I cannot and/or will not write about some things. As it happens, these unmentionables are the most salient and influential aspects of my life these days. Unless my stance were to change, which I don't see happening any time soon, these unmentionables shall remain unmentioned and you, random reader, shall be left in the dark.

Suffice it to say I'm relatively unhappy, I seek escape whenever possible and I'm screwing up as much as ever. In other words, not good. I keep waiting for that magical switch to flip and for things to magically get better except it's just not happening. We shall see what happens. One of the worst parts is that even if things were to improve, there would be a sharp period of badness early on. No way around that, though. Ah well.

So many things

2008-08-07T18:32:00.003-04:00

& so little time and patience. So I present them below in an abbreviated form to ensure they actually make it into a post. Any one could easily be the topic for an entire post, I simply lack the drive to post each under a separate thread in greater detail.

I. Carrie Fisher

Last night I caught the opening performance of Carrie Fisher's show, "Wishful Drinking," at the Hartford Stage with movie.girl and a new female friend of hers. Carrie Fisher's mother, Debbie Reynolds, was in attendance. The show had previously been in LA, this was just the first performance in Hartford.

It was a strange, entertaining and interesting show. I enjoyed it though Carrie Fisher is clearly batshit crazy (but in a good way). I've decided that the show was bittersweet because it was truthful. She's had an insane life that, as she herself explains, you've got to laugh at. The problem is that it isn't fiction and it's all real. Everything she described (presumably) happened to and around her. The show personalized her, flushing out her back story and character. And that's why it's bittersweet – you have to empathize with her at least a little and a lot of it is absolutely nuts. I don't feel sorry for her, per se, but the show is a little less entertaining because the events and incidents are real.

II. Beta Male

I just finished reading Christopher Moore's book "A Dirty Job." Therein, Mr. Moore repeatedly describes the main character as a "beta male" with direct reference to, and contrasting with, the "alpha male" archetype.

I found the concept to be very interesting and applicable. I'm positive I'm a beta male. I've learned to try and own up to my personality, actions and characteristics. It's no use hiding from yourself. A beta male isn't the best thing to be, but if it aptly describes me then so be it. Not sure what I can learn from the characterization. Perhaps it's simply more of a "know thyself" aphorism.

III. Hanging Out: F+F+M vs. F+M+M

Movie.girl remarked on how it was easier for us to hang out with another girl than it was for us to hang out with another guy, citing two male examples and contrasting them with the new female friend of hers. I observed that it didn't particularly surprise me since the two male examples included one of her previous fiancés and a former male friend of hers who wanted to be more than friends. Guys often see other guys as competition, even when they're not. It's happened to me before and I suspect that's what occurred in relation to her previously. I don't know for sure, but it seems a likely candidate to me.

IV. Upcoming Shows

Made plans with movie.girl to see a bunch of shows including: A Midsummer Night's Dream, Spamalot and Equus (starring Harry Potter, aka Daniel Radcliffe). Also working on tickets for Sweeney Todd.

ADDENDUM: Entries edited for some reason or other. (8/10/08)

Posts

2008-07-22T16:35:00.000-04:00

No regular posting because. This is looking like a very rough year for me, David Tennant notwithstanding.

Good Listening

2008-06-24T16:59:00.001-04:00

While working on an application today, I was listening to portions of the BBC radio broadcast of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a broad grin occasionally plastered across my face. I'm positive someone else in the office must have seen this and been momentarily puzzled.

Which makes me smile again.

Mistaken Terror

2008-06-13T11:45:00.000-04:00

This morning I had a moment of pure, unadulterated terror.

I have a conversion due August 1, 2008. For some reason, I thought today was August 13. My face blanched and my head spun as I instantly pondered all the consequences. My thoughts ran something like this:

Oh my G-d, this is it. I finally screwed up. I knew this was coming. They're going to have to fire me. Do I go tell them now or wait until the afternoon? No, I tell them now. My G-d, my mom is going to kill me. I'll spend my days at home, watching TV and eating. I'll have to find a new job. Do I go to the board games tonight? Could I act happy even though I lost my job?

Literally, it took less than a minute for all of these thoughts, and more, to pass through my mind – probably more like 5-15 seconds.

Soon thereafter, though not soon enough, I looked at the wooden calendar marker on my desk and realized that today is June 13. But it was too late. My nerves are frayed. My muscles are tight from tension. My head is still spinning. I'm barely breathing. My whole body is wracked.

This reminded me of the time my publicity professor outed my blog on the last day of class. Pure instantaneous terror. Same thing here though with a slightly different flavor.

I think my head is broken.

Board Games vs. Computer Versions of Board Games

2008-06-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

The question posed is thus: Do Computer Versions Of Boardgames Ruin The Real Thing?

Two games in particular that I enjoy are Carcasonne and Settlers of Catan. Since I don't have many people to play with, I naturally try to find an on-line version of the games I like to play. However, now I'm wondering if this is a good idea. With Carcasonne, for example, I have played hundreds of games on ASO Brain recently, and I think my desire to play the game is a little bit less now. It would probably take me years of play on a physical board to get to this point. Does the quick-fix, play 8 games in two hours approach to gaming diminish our enthusiasm for the real game? Often times, when playing against an ultra-fast PC or computer player, you can play enough games to start to see patterns that you may not have seen in the real thing for years (50 plays, for example), or because the people are less predictable. Plus, IMO, most games are more interesting with live people, and therefore you might get sick of a game after playing it online, but really, you are not playing with interesting opponents. I think I might avoid games against the CPU for now on to prevent this from happening. And believe me, this will be nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to do, but it might be necessary...

Anyone else share my feelings on this?

It's a renewed, older thread from January of this year (2008), but the topic piqued my interest. To date, I have avoided playing computer versions of board games and I mean avoided as in not having downloaded or looked into computer versions of board games despite learning of them. The question, as posed above, is why?

It's not like I'm computer-illiterate or haven't played computer games. I built my current desktop and I've been playing computer games since the days of 16-color VGA. If I know computers and regularly play computer games, wouldn't it make sense to merge two of my interests in a single medium, computer versions of board games?

Well, you can find the response I posted below:

Seeing as this popped up (again, so to speak), I'll chime in.

I don't play computer versions of board games because I want to separate board games from my computer gaming. I want board games to remain a social experience with physical pieces. I want them to be paced, with real-world timing and resolution. I am purposefully maintaining board games as an insulated entertainment entity, retaining a particular specialty as social experiences (even if it's only a 2-player game).

I've played a lot of computer games. I know how they have the tendency to increase personal isolation and decrease social activities or become faux social activities. Even playing with other people via the computer is isolating as it inherently detracts from necessary real world interactions. I'm an ex-WoW raiding junky. I know that road and I try very hard to avoid falling under its siren lure once again.

So for me, it's not about spoiling the game itself or surpassing other gamers in skill. It's about maintaining board games as a special, real world social activity.

I will note one game that I purposefully switched from real life to online: Magic the Gathering. Up until I discovered the online version (MtGO), I forsook the real-world game since I wouldn't get to play it often (no friends playing it), meaning card purchases would largely go unused and be wasted. In contrast, MtGO enabled me to find a game at any time of day or night. It made purchasing packs easier. Card management is easier (e.g., sorting cards, making decks, testing decks). MtGO makes the game accessible for me.

But I never viewed MtG as a social activity and MtG players were not a lot with whom I wished to socialize. On the other hand, the board gamers I've had the pleasure of getting to know are generally friendly, intelligent, well-spoken people who share a common interest and are not overly competitive. In other words, they're people I enjoy being friends with and board games are a unique avenue for me to make such friends and hang out with them.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on this.

Not Good

2008-06-04T10:42:00.000-04:00

Not feeling well today.

Super tired. Sleep last night was intermittent. Would have been little/short regardless, but waking up at 4:10am after going to sleep at 2am = problem. And I couldn't get back to sleep. Lay in my bed, perhaps dozing for brief periods but no longer streaks.

Also feeling a wee bit nauseous. Just in the back of my throat – I don't think I'm actually going to expel anything.

Head is spinning too. Hard to concentrate or focus on anything.

Occasionally break out in a light sweat, feeling warm at those times.

Initially was going to try & wait 'til mid-to-late afternoon before I leave. Then I was thinking early afternoon, like shortly after lunch. Now I'm thinking sooner. Much sooner.

Nausea not good.

Coffee tasted like crap this morning.

Head hurt.

Popping two Tylenol.

Can't tell if this is the sleep deprivation or a new med or a combo of both. Could also be the weather, it's drizzling today.

All I want to do is go home and be unconscious.

Think I'm going to leave soon. I am absolutely miserable right now.

An Interesting Topic

2008-06-03T15:17:00.000-04:00

What is "interesting?"

Every now and again, I struggle with the notion of what makes something "interesting," primarily in relation to discussion topics.

I'm fairly certain that my day-to-day "this is what happened on Friday, and on Saturday I did this" posts are not interesting. Excepting when they catch on some deeper topic (e.g., posts earlier this year about boardgame.girl), the posts are largely devoid of interesting or poignant tales and generally serve merely as reminders, for me, of things I've done.

My ordinary day-to-day itself isn't very interesting to me. Maybe today I read my graphic novel or I read my current novel or I played my current computer or video game or I watched a current TV show. Little of it is out of the ordinary or extraordinary so as to be worthy of much notice.

I often find discussions on meta-topics to be interesting. For example, discussing the notion of interesting topics makes for an interesting topic in and of itself, at least in my opinion. I've always been a fan of metaphysics. Occasionally at the boardgame groups, we refer to the selection of a game as a or the metagame. For me, examination of these broader topics can offer further insight into other fields and have the potential for affecting how people think. I'm not interested in changing what people think. I am interested in how people think and that they think.

When at parties or gatherings with unknown persons, a common topic is the droll "What do you do?" or "What is your profession?" Invariably, my answer is: "I am a patent agent. I write patents and work on getting them issued. Our big clients are X and Y so most of the patents I work with concern A, B and C." Invariably, the response is: "Oh, how interesting!"

I suppose they need to say something, but calling it "interesting?" I usually don't find my work to be "interesting." I suppose a layperson might be enamored of the field and, possibly, even curious concerning aspects thereof, but I really don't have an answer for "Oh, how interesting!" Sometimes I'll choose to relate an "interesting" invention or such, but often I am at a loss for words. "Interesting?" What's interesting about an invention for a communication protocol? Or a user interface? Or a semiconductor? "Interesting" indeed!

I hope this post is "interesting." In my mind, it has the potential to spark the mind of you, my intrepid reader. Did you find it "interesting?" What is "interesting" to you?

Watch, Read, Play

2008-05-26T21:04:00.000-04:00

I spent today being nonproductive. In my search for nonproductivity, I sought to do nonproductive things. Unfortunately, as is customary with Sundays, I get frustrated and wander aimlessly because I don't want to do the nonproductive things that are available to me.

Watch, Read, Play.

I can watch TV or a DVD. I can read a graphic novel. I can play a game, computer or video.

That's all I've got. No need to go shopping and spend money - did that yesterday. No one to call to meet up. Nowhere to go. Watch, Read, Play.

So I spent the majority of today watching an NCIS marathon on USA and/or reading a graphic novel while NCIS played in the background.

Very nonproductive but also fairly non-fulfilling. It wasn't all that much fun, though I did get through 1.5 graphic novels. But the day is nearly done and time for sleep is approaching. Soon I won't worry about finding things to do, I'll be unconscious.

Sadly, that's the terminus and it is not a stretch to say it equals the rest of the day.

Art

2008-05-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

I see things other people create and I want to create something. I recognize and appreciate art on some primal level. I revel in it, even. But for some reason I am pegged as a consumer, a voyeur, and not as an artist. Music, movies, television, comic books, novels. I consume but I do not produce.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. There are a few feeble attempts at artistry. Misbegotten sketched scenes for layouts that will never bear fruit. Brief beginnings for stories without plot. Half-formed ideas of grand design that will never be wrought. Every now and then the bug bites me and I am consumed by a need to do something artistic. This bears no fruit, merely the remains of unskilled, half-formed efforts that are not worth the materials expended.

I am no graphic artist for my sketches are misshapen objects of pity. My eyes see many things, both there and imagined, but I am ill-equipped to translate them. I fear I am no writer. With practice, perhaps I could aspire to a mediocre tale of places and beings, perhaps more. But I fear my efforts would be for naught and I suspect this restrains me. I know how to frame a shot, what makes for a good photograph, though I have no desire to pursue photography beyond mere point-and-click. Music is a friend, a lover, a passion. Though I lack the background, and the inclination, to compose, music I enjoy is a true delight.

I am an artist without a medium. There is something I could create, of that I am positive. It is simply that I have yet to find my method of translation. My mind can conjure up a thousand and one images in a second. If only I knew what to do with them, how to share them.

Until I decipher my riddle, I continue consuming. Every vision absorbed, every story unfolded, every image considered fuels my imagination. Music, movies, television, comic books, novels. I consume and enjoy (but I do not produce).

A Difficult Conversation

2008-05-21T16:30:00.001-04:00

Courage. Anonymity. Escapism. Conversation. Summary.

Courage. I wish this post was about courage. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not more courageous than the average person based on my willingness to try new things or broach topics or address things head on. But I'm also woefully deficient in other realms, such as dating and moving out of my mom's house and my career. On the whole, I figure there's some balance between the two that evens out over time.

Anonymity. Sometimes I wish this blog was anonymous. There is much more I could or would say if I knew it wouldn't come back to me. There would be posts about recent doctor's visits and such. There would be more posts about my goals or lack thereof. There would be posts about desires and fantasies and dreams. Instead, posts are plainer with more superficial topics and less commentary. At times more like a public diary than a conversation or conversation starter.

Escapism. I probably am mired in escapism. Between the games (board and video), the books (graphic novels and novels), and the viewing (movies and television), a significant portion of my time and attention is spent in other realms. But is that a bad thing? I would argue it is not, that it is another outlet for imagination and creativity, not to mention education. Losing your sense of wonder and not being inquisitive would be far greater crimes.

Conversation. And all of the above has very little to do with the main subject of this post, though they are probably more interesting. Since this blog is not anonymous, I will only provide the merest of description. Today, I had a difficult conversation with my bosses, one in which I related my recent doctor visits. They appear to be very supportive, as I thought/hoped they would be given the fact that I am still employed by them (a marvel in and of itself). I just wonder where things go from here, other than the inevitable "onwards."

Summary. A few random observances that are not so random to me. A passing note to mark a not-so-minor, but brief, discussion. A wandering post from a wandering mind. I assure you, it makes sense to me.

"Time Is [Not] On My Side"

2008-05-15T13:22:00.001-04:00

Yes it is! (link)

Not much exciting in the weeks since my previous post.

The new car is running well. Love her to death. Even cleared out a space in the garage for her. I think it's the first time we've parked two cars in the garage. Gave movie.girl a short ride in her last weekend. She said that as a passenger she liked it better than the Buick. I pressed her for a reason why, and she answered that the "coolness factor" was probably it. For example, no plastic fake-wood grain. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that the gas tank is small – only 14 gallons. I have to refuel more often than before.

Met up with movie.girl last weekend for the first time in 2 months. Hung out a bit, played some Guitar Hero and Rock Band, both first plays for me. Then met up with a new friend of her's (some guy she met somehow?) and the three of us watched Speed Racer (don't go see it) in Imax. Afterwards we got a burger at Wooden Tap and later on movie.girl and I picked up some cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I think we're supposed to meet up this weekend. I know I'm down to watch Indy on the Thursday night it comes out.

Hung out with boardgame.girl the first Monday this month. Didn't stay late, she was tired. More and more, I think my choice was a good one. I don't feel like going into that in any detail right now. Maybe another time (though I've said that before about this).

I've been going at the boardgames and almost-weekly Vampire (VtR) RPG. Bought some new (board)games in the past month. Tons more I'd like to buy. Hopefully I'll hold off until June before I place another big order. More boardgames tonight and tomorrow.

Okay, work. Work has not been going well this week. My focus and concentration have been shot. Not billing enough hours. Definitely not looking good. Last month wasn't so hot. This month doesn't look much better.

I've seen a doc or two for things. Not sure yet how much I want to go into that here. Also not sure yet if I'm going to tell my bosses. Plus side, could save me from being fired. Minus side, not sure I want to avoid being fired nor that I shouldn't be fired. Part of me is of the mind that I don't want to use anything as an excuse in order to prevent my being canned. I either do the work and belong here, or I don't and I'm dead weight – there's no place for excuses. Kinda weird. Also, I'm pretty sure that if I were to tell them, then they wouldn't or couldn't fire me and I don't want to impose that extra burden on them either – make them feel that they must keep me.

I'm in a sort of stasis period at the moment. I've been in one for a long time. At some point the bubble will break, whether it's by my employers firing me or by me leaving. I have this impression that it would be a good thing for me to go. I'm also positive that my future salary will be less than I'm making now and that's a little disheartening. I can afford the boardgames and car and expenses because I'm paid well. When that stops, I'll have to revise my spending attitude. It's nice to be able to afford things. Also, not sure I can go without health insurance. Also not sure what my next employment prospect would be.

So maybe it's not that life hasn't been interesting, but that not much has changed or improved, at least not yet. I'm hopeful for change/improvement. Furthermore, I'm hopeful that I can instigate some change/improvement. It just hasn't happened yet.

A NEW CAR!

2008-04-28T08:19:00.000-04:00

Very busy last week working on getting a new (or new used) car. (There are a few stories in there - maybe they'll be posted another time, maybe not.) Ultimately got a great deal on a new '08 so I bought it.

WOOT! A NEW CAR! It's a Pontiac G6 GT coupe. Midnight blue, ebony cloth interior. Sunroof, Monsoon sound system, 6-disc in-dash CD changer, aux jack for my iPod, XM Radio. Almost fully loaded.

I'm happy. I love the car. The ride isn't quite as smooth as my Park Ave. but the acceleration and feel is fantastic. She likes to go fast. She also purrs. I think I've settled on Dani for her name (short for Danica, named after Danica Patrick for no great reason). Was originally thinking "Ford" as a tongue-in-cheek reference to Ford Prefect (Hitchhiker's) and a small bit of satirical nudge-nudge-wink-wink to Ford, but decided that cars, like boats, should have female names. *shrug*

Yay! New car! WOOHOO! Incidentally, this is my first new car. Will try to hunt down, or take, some photos to post. YAY!!!!

April 23

2008-04-23T13:30:00.001-04:00

A day of days.

Happy birthday to William Shakespeare!

Not-so-happy death day to William Shakespeare!

Happy birthday to Roy Orbison!

Not-so-happy death day to Miguel de Cervantes!

Happy birthday to Max Planck!

Not-so-happy death day to Saint George!

Happy birthday to James Buchanan!

Not-so-happy death day to William Hartnell!

Week In Brief

2008-04-19T03:42:00.000-04:00

This was a rather odd week for me. Very busy. Missed almost 2 days of work due to doctor appointments. Boardgame.girl on Monday. Birthday on Tuesday, complete with a flat tire, a new tire and a small spending spree at the mall. Stayed late on Wednesday (no RPG) before an impromptu gaming session in West Haven. Left early Thursday for doctor then gamed more that night. Full day Friday, gamed that night but longer.

A pretty good week for work - the first good week in a long time. Ever since that Choices post on Monday, I've been doing much better at work. Got a bunch of things out, got some filed, been doing my work. I also feel better about myself. Part of the reason the boardgame.girl non-happening doesn't bother me as much is because I feel better about myself from work. I'm not caught up, not even close, but it's looking much better and I feel incredibly better about it. We'll see what next week brings, but I'm hopeful.

Definitely enjoyed the 4 nights of gaming this week. Had a blast and played a number of new games. Fun, fun, fun!

Saw boardgame.girl tonight at the gaming. I was a little frosty towards her, but that was mostly internally. I usually find it much easier to just have a clean break when things go pear-shaped. Here, I know that's not worth it. Besides, she's into work-induced isolation starting Sunday, so I won't see her for a while. And even then, when I do it will be for boardgames. Time will help.

Next week should be more normal. No birthday, hopefully no flat tires (knock on wood). No gaming Monday, maybe on Tuesday, RPG on Wednesday, hopefully on Thursday, not on Friday, all-day on Saturday, maybe movie.girl on Sunday?

So life goes on and I'm feeling better these days. For some reason, that concept of choices rings true with me and bolsters me. I often feel like I'm buffeted about by things beyond my control when, in fact, it's always been about the choices I make and those I do not. I feel empowered. We'll see how long this lasts, but it's doing me a lot of good right now.

Passover starts Saturday night. Going up to my grandparents, aunt, uncle for the first night's seder. Eh. I'm long overdue for a visit. It'll be nice to see them, I suppose.

I actually enjoy Passover. Maybe it's my masochistic side poking through, but I enjoy it. More on that later, perhaps.

Now, time for a few (3?) hours sleep before an early morning wake up for a 3-4 hour drive/nap. Slumber well!

Hello, Goodbye

2008-04-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

Stayed late at work then went to West Haven for boardgames. I wasn't planning on it, but then I called boardgame.girl (to talk re my decision) and she was there and... So, I went there and played 2 games. Afterwards, chatted with her and two others. Walked her to her car. Told her I wanted to be friends. (Ugh, the dreaded "f" word!) And that was that.

We probably won't meet up for a while. Oh, I'll see her on Friday at a game night, but starting Sunday she's in her show schedule. That is, work from 6pm to 11pm, except for all day Saturday & Sunday and not on Mondays. Maybe we'll hang out again a week from Monday. Who knows.

On the whole, I feel good about it. Obviously not my first choice, but it should help clear my head a bit and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I won't waste (too many) cycles thinking on her. Plus, it opens me up again, for whatever that's worth.

Some time I'll post a positive outlook on this sort of non-thing. Honestly, it was a positive experience for me. It's easy to forget things I should not.

Times like this, I'm strongly tempted to be fatalistic. So it goes.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-04-15T15:48:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Etc., etc.

Got in to work about 20 min. ago due to various things, including a morning doctor's appointment and a leaking/flat tire that I discovered when I first arrived at work around 1pm. Must get to work now.

One year ago today.

Three years ago today.

Not A Difficult Question

2008-04-15T07:31:00.000-04:00

Less than 15 min. after I put up the previous post, I realized that I knew the answer and had known the answer pretty much from the time the question was asked. It just took a bit for me to realize that. I spoke with movie.girl on the ride home afterwards, and, similar to that, the previous post (and possibly this one) was looking for confirmation of my decision.

But no matter that I want confirmation and approval, I don't need it.

The answer is easy, far easier than I let on. I like her too much for (a). I don't want to do (c) if I don't have to. The answer is (b2), as in hang out as friends but less often and with some clear boundaries.

I don't want a non-exclusive relationship with someone I really like. I may not know what I want in life or my career, but I know what I want with relationships. I also feel that it's a little insulting. "I don't want to date you, but you're still good enough for a non-committed relationship." I know that's not the intent, and I don't think I feel it (much), but it is a subtext. And I do enjoy pride - probably not my favorite of the sins, but it's certainly up there.

As for what I expected, I know what I expected. I always did. I wanted to date her until I couldn't. If she was moving away, fine, but until she did I was ready to go out with her, to go with it, and see what happened. I was not, and am not, ready for an open relationship.

Maybe I'm too traditional or conservative or what-not for that sort of thing. I feel that it just doesn't jive with me. And that's the essence of this. Know thyself. And I do, at least at this time, in this respect.

So no, it wasn't a difficult question. The difficulty lay in understanding my answer. Oh I'll be a bit sad over this, but it's also been a positive experience for me. Perhaps more on that another time.

A Difficult Choice?

2008-04-15T00:42:00.000-04:00

Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Before, she had texted me that we needed to talk about "things." After a bunch of boardgames, we talked.

She doesn't want something serious or exclusive right now. For the first time in 2 years, she's at the bar hanging out most nights, meeting guys and going out on dates. She said it feels like she's living someone else's life. She's out of here in 2 months and she doesn't know where she's headed after MA.

She wanted me to know this up front so she wouldn't lead me on or such. I told her I appreciated her telling me. I also said that I'd be lying if I said I didn't want something serious. I asked a good question: Would I be fooling myself if I thought it could be exclusive in the future? She didn't know - it depends on if she comes back, but not in the next 2 months. I didn't give her an answer. Instead, I told her I'd need some time. I still kissed her before leaving.

If you're tempted to ask what non-exclusive means, don't. I don't know. I doubt she has a good idea of what it means, though I could easily be wrong.

I'm of 3 minds:

(a) Go with "it" whatever "it" is.

(b) Try to hang out with her as "just friends" and no more.

(c) Sever it. Cut bait and try not to look back.

See, I know what I want. I want a relationship, something serious, something meaningful. I've only been "going out" with boardgame.girl for a few weeks and, to be honest, I haven't fallen as hard as I could. I've tried to keep something in reserve. I didn't have any expectations per se, particularly knowing she's moving away in a while. I figured I'd just ride it out and see what happened.

But I can't have what I want. Not here.

And there's the kicker. I could go with (a) if only I didn't care. If only she was some random girl, someone I'd just met and hadn't already grown to like. Because I do like her for herself. Though she doesn't believe it, she is cool. She's the kind of geek I've been looking for. And I like her. I don't know that I have it in me for (a).

I also know that I don't like (c). I enjoy hanging out with her and playing games and such. It's fun and there's no one else around with whom I can do that, at least for the boardgames if not the more.

I could try (b). I know that the whole time I'd be hoping and/or waiting for her "to come to her senses." But I also know she probably wouldn't. It would be a waste of efforts/hope.

Maybe I do have it in me for (a)? Could I do it without seriously hurting myself in the end?

I have to make a choice this week - let's say by Friday (I'll see her Friday night at boardgaming).

I have more thoughts on this, but it's late and I need to sleep. Please feel free to provide suggestions, thoughts or ideas. I'll put up a birthday post later today.

Choices

2008-04-14T17:20:00.000-04:00

I was working on a post titled "The End Is Near," but then, after pondering, I realized it's just whining. More griping about work and stress and my mom. That's it. It's not helpful or useful. Writing it isn't going to change anything. It's venting, but not in any capacity that could be construed as productive or positive.

Sometimes venting can be good. You express your feelings and clear the air, and your head. But I have a huge streak in me that likes to vent without concurrently accomplishing anything positive. I like to whine.

So you're not getting that "End" post. Instead, you're getting this one on choice.

I continually forget that I have choices. We all do. I can choose to be miserable and unhappy. I can choose to blame my job or my situation or my lack of motivation. I can choose to be mindless and without direction.

Or I can choose not.

I can choose to find happiness where I can. I can consciously choose to be positive and maintain a positive outlook, to find and see the best instead of the worst. I rarely do so, but that's not the point. The point is that I have a choice and I need to choose.

I am going to make a conscious effort to choose.

I either choose to do my work and catch up, or I choose to find a new job. No more half-assery. Choice.

I either choose to live at home, or I finally clean things up at home and move out, into a place of my own. Choice.

I either choose to eat better and get in shape, or I choose to deal with the consequences. Choice.

Too often, I do something because it is there in front of me. Because it is easy. Because it is "the next step." Because it is convenient. Not because I made a choice, but because I didn't make a choice.

"Begin each day as if it were on purpose!" -- Mary Anne Radmacher

All of the above could be a load of hot air. I am known for having minor epiphanies and promptly not following through on them. Heck, I'm known for not following through on things in general. But that's also symptomatic -- I don't choose and I don't do anything because of that.

So I need to start affirmatively making choices. Now.

Hello Troll Hunters!

2008-04-12T20:03:00.000-04:00

Checking stats, let's see... 75 visits today.. 75 VISITS? Well, at least 48 of them were from searches relating to:

"Beloved by humans, envied by trolls." -- Honda (car commercial)

From this old post.

I find it amusing every time my visitor count jumps because of a cultural reference. By far, the biggest one is for Pop Rocks / Rock Toxin, a review I wrote over 3 years ago about an ABC made-for-TV movie starring Gary Cole. I'm in the top 10 of those search results and I know every time they air it 'cause my visitor count jumps sharply.

One of many things that amuses me.

In Brief

2008-04-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

Played boardgames last night. Boardgame.girl was there and we played a few games together. I absolutely killed at Glory to Rome.

Going into the city today with my mom to see November, starring Nathan Lane.

Tomorrow, going into work. I'm still horribly behind and I'm not catching up. Hopefully this changes, though it's not looking good. I'm pissing off my bosses again (or still). Wonder if I'll make it to the end of April. (I did say the same thing about March.)

Monday night, meeting up with boardgame.girl. Since that's her day off, the theory is that she can nap during the day and will be well-rested for a change. Looking forward to it.

I'm beginning to wonder if the once-a-week thing isn't so bad after all. Not like I'm doing well at work. Also not like I don't have things outside of work with boardgaming. Moderate amount of activities to do and I probably don't need my week messed up more than it already is.

Eh. Even so, it's not like I wouldn't mind more. Rarely a question for things I really enjoy. More.

Time to run. Food. Then train. Then The City!

Truth In Advertising

2008-04-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

(Random title.)

So, last night.

Picked boardgame.girl up around 7:35ish. We went to Joe's American Bar & Grill for food. That was mistake #1 and I really should have known better and been better prepared. Joe's has a horrible atmosphere. Good food, fair prices, but awful atmosphere. It's a wide-open area with wood floors that lets every sound echo and reverberate. Toss in a crying child or two and you have the makings of a quiet, intimate dinner.

I don't think I actually have any other mistakes to number for last night, but "mistake #1" seemed too good to pass up.

Conversation lagged initially. A few times early on, my head spun with: "What should we talk about? What should I say?" I suspect some of that was from us meeting up after equally long days, but who knows. We did find our groove, however, so things went well after that and the conversation was unceasing.

Afterwards, went back to her apartment. Glass of wine while playing three games of Race, two of which I won. She was yawning here & there, not really focused on the game very well. Talked briefly after the third game & then transitioned to the movie, Enchanted.

I'd brought a few different types of "good" movies with me, but it turned out she'd seen half of them already. It was kind of weird that she'd seen half of them in view of her avowed not-much-movie-watching. We figured that either spoke to us having similar tastes in movies or her having good taste in the movies she sees (I lobbied for both).

So, watching the movie on a small TV in her bedroom, sitting on her bed together. She's trying hard not to nod off. About 30 min. in, I suggest we table the movie and she go to sleep. After the second or third time I say that, she agreed. (She was very tired.) Called it a night around 11:45pm.

After last night, I feel pretty unhopeful about this thing. One big reason: Time. She doesn't have any. Tuesday night was her one free night as, for some reason, she has Wednesday off. She'd gone out with friends for most (if not all) of the previous seven nights. Even on Tuesday, after I spoke with her she got two hours sleep, was woken up by a phone call and went out for the night. Every time I've seen her in the past week, she's been tired. Add in that my schedule is a more conventional one (work 8-5:30ish) while hers is usually not (11-5:30pm for rehearsals, 6-1am for shows except for matinee days) and not only is it difficult to find time to meet up, but it's also hard to find a time when we're both awake.

There's also the issue of her future shows. She's only here until June/July. Then she goes up to MA for a run. After that, she's not sure where she'll be. However, last night, she expressed doubt that she'll be back in this area. I didn't respond to her comment at all, choosing instead to simply absorb it and let it wash over me.

So what does any of that mean? In truth, not much. I figure I'll run with this as long as I can. I really like her. We have similar interests and sense of humor. It's fun to hang out with her. I feel like she's someone who I can or do get and whom can or does get me. If it weren't for the time issue, which is pretty much integral to her career, I'd probably be happier and more content. So I'll just see what happens and try not to get too invested (though I'm sure I will anyways). I know she likes me and I'm pretty sure she wishes, to some degree at least, that we could figure this out. I'm just doubtful that there's a good solution.

So, as I have repeatedly stated, we shall see what happens. When's the next time we can meet up? Maybe next Monday? I don't know. All I do know is that I enjoy hanging out with her and we have fun together. Maybe that's what this ends up being.

A Continuing Saga

2008-04-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

Meeting up with boardgame.girl around 7:30. Funny enough, by my current standards that's a relatively "late" time for meeting up... which is incredibly sad. I think the "plan" is as noted yesterday: food + games and/or DVD. I'm sort of hoping we end up watching a movie. We don't talk much while playing Race (concentrating on the game instead) and, though I know we also wouldn't talk much with a DVD, it would be... closer, I think. Closer wouldn't be bad.

A recent comment to this post suggested:

if you do tell her about the blog, i would erase any mention of her from the blog (at least the juicy stuff)

Anyone have further thoughts on this?

I didn't think I was relating anything particularly "juicy." Granted, laying out my view of things is problematic enough (especially given my penchant for idiocy), but I don't think anything I've written so far was out of line. Relatedly, I hate editing (i.e., abridging/censoring) things I've posted. I already have filters on what I write, and I share little enough as it is that excising portions seems unnecessary to me.

However, I've been known to be clueless with things like this, so I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

This morning, I was perusing referrals and noticed that someone got here from a Google search for: what to say to a girl on the phone before a blind date.

Mind you, I really don't have any advice for that. The link to this blog was from my blind date experience back in November '06.

Seemed like an interesting question, so I checked out the search results. The top result was for this page (Just Keep The Change). I poked a bit more about the site and found a host of interesting articles, including ones with dating advice for men. I found them to be rather helpful, particularly as I am admittedly a n00b when it comes to women and dating. I may yet try some of the suggestions tonight. (Seems worth a shot.)

I was born... to dance!

2008-04-08T17:38:00.001-04:00

...or at least to listen to dance music.

Today I was listening to an album of dance music I have on my iPod (Fired Up!). I bought the double-disc set because it has a few songs I like, including Madison Avenue's "Don't Call Me Baby," which was a big hit back in 2000 when I was overseas. It also has "Zombie Nation" by Kernkraft 400, among many others.

My foot is tapping along with the beat. I do that a lot. I wonder if it annoys anyone. I try to keep it quiet. I also try to refrain from mouthing the words of the song I'm listening to.

I actually like to dance. Learned that one in college – at frat parties and the biannual semi-formals. Rarely get the chance, though. It's usually easy for me to find the beat and just go with it. Has yet to translate to anything, though, as in meeting women or such. In my overseas traveling, I've been to a few clubs here and there – in York and Florence. Enjoyed them, even if I have trouble tolerating Red Bull (and, by extension, things like VK).

No formal training or practice, so I'm no good for most structured dances. I can passably emulate formal dancing. Not very good at ballroom. No good at jazz or swing. Can muddle through line dancing. Half of it is just confidence – if I were more confident (e.g., from lessons or practice or such), I'd probably be half decent.

I just remembered Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly" – when he gets into dirty dancing with Jennifer Anniston. Heh.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this one. I'll just end it here, knowing that it won't be the top post.

What kept you sane?

2008-04-07T18:09:00.001-04:00

The title is a question I saw on an annual survey on someone's blog. (The survey is a meme.)

I was pondering this in the car ride to work this morning and came up with my answer: Music. Music keeps me sane.

I listen to music in the car using my iPod. I sing along with it. It keeps my head busy.

Music can set my mood or influence it. Relaxing music helps me relax. Louder, faster music helps me stay awake and alert. Softer music helps me reflect and slow down.

I listen to music at work on my iPod. Often it helps me focus on my work. Sometimes it detracts, but that usually occurs when the work is thick and difficult.

I listen to music on the weekends, when I get ready in the morning. During the week, I listen to the Z Morning Zoo (Z-100). But on the weekend, my timing is different so I just put in a CD and hit "play" or "shuffle."

Sometimes I listen to music at home when I'm surfing the web. Open up iTunes and hit shuffle. It gives a nice background for concentrating on other things.

I don't buy that much music for the amount I listen to. I buy an album or two every now and then, but it's on the order of 1-2 dozen per year. I always have a current, preferred set of albums in rotation. That's how I usually listen to music on my iPod, by album. Sometimes I select a particular song, though, and some albums I only have one song (from iTunes).

I also use iTunes to look for new music, listening to other artists and groups they categorize with ones I know and like. For example, I found Lacuna Coil from Evanescence.

There are a handful of albums that I would like to buy. One day I'll order them from Amazon. One day...

I would be apt to choose something else as keeping me sane, such as TV or movies or boardgames or games in general, except all of those have concomitant downsides. For me, music does not have a downside. I don't just sit and listen to music, I listen to music while I do other things, including work, drive and think.

I think music is my lifeline. It is happiness and sadness, old and new, vibrant and melancholy, dreams and death. It describes feelings I've had and ones I haven't and a myriad host of in-betweens that pluck at my heartstrings in different ways. Music reflects my mood and is my mood and makes my mood but rarely causes my mood. Music is powerful. It tells stories I enjoy and ones I hate and other times it just sits there and serves as a counterpoint to the world. It doesn't forsake me or forget me or make time for me. Music is always playing. Music is an undercurrent to my being.

Music keeps me sane.

I need to be better at this.

2008-04-07T18:08:00.002-04:00

Texts with boardgame.girl:

Me: I didn't have any specific plans for Tues. Easy ideas include food or gaming or a dvd (if your place is ok for that) or some combination thereof. Thoughts?

Her: Some combination thereof? Food then gaming and/or DVD at my place? I definitely need some race.

Me: Sounds good to me! Far be it for me to say no to Race.

And yet another reason I like this girl.

I'm looking at the previous sentence and trying to figure out why it makes sense to me. I suggested three somewhat prosaic options, none of them terribly inspiring. Her response was along the lines of "works for me" with a "hey, let's play that game we both love and are addicted to."

Maybe that's it. I suggested three easy choices and they're fine with her. Plus, she's a gamer and wants to game. I may need to be better at this, where "this" means finding things for us to do, but then the easy things I suggest, the ones I'd like to do, are good ones for her too.

Noisy Patent Application

2008-04-07T18:07:00.001-04:00

This morning I was making noises for a patent application I'm writing. The noises differentiate between injection molding and extrusion molding. I could explain more but then I would have to kill you.

Do I tell her about my blog yet?

2008-04-07T18:06:00.001-04:00

"Hey, how's it going? Good to see you. By the way, I found your blog... and your MySpace page... and fyi, I have a blog of my own." I have a picture of all the color draining from her face, while mine turns beet-red. It's not a pretty image.

No, not yet I think. Soon, sometime, but not yet.

Another Sunday

2008-04-06T18:56:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling somewhat relaxed today. Didn't go into work. Restless sleep overnight because I brought the dog upstairs with me. Slept in. Went for a 30 min. walk in the neighborhood. Hung out at a Starbucks, reading graphic novels and waiting for boardgame.girl to call. (Cell reception at home is rotten and I was expecting her call.)

Around 6:15, I called her. She'd just gotten out of work and was very tired - going back to her apt., probably to sleep. Hence, nothing happening today. We're planning on Tuesday night for something.

If she'd given some reason other than sleep, I think I would have pushed. But if it's sleep/being tired, I won't touch it. That's not something I'll push back on.

At this point, I think I have to be patient. Which is very difficult for me. Very difficult. (How am I supposed to have a torrid affair with her if we never meet up?) I don't think I'm naturally very patient. It's something I have to consciously force on myself. I can distract myself with books and/or other entertainment, but I have to try to pull myself back and force myself to play nice and pause.

So I think I have to practice patience here, too. It's sounding like her schedule really is pretty busy and trying. I can't add more stress to that, I have to help her de-stress from it. I suppose "relax" would have made more sense, but you get my drift.

But it's hard. I always want to rush things. It was easy to do that in college. I got in trouble for rushing things in law school. And now, I don't see that I have much of a choice. Be patient. Motto for the instant.

I was actually thinking that today wouldn't happen. That she'd call me, or I'd call her, and she'd be too tired/worn for anything. But I hoped not. I always hope. I'm a hopeful pessimist. (Good luck deciphering that one.) Plan for the worst, hope for the best? Though one of my favorite quotes is: "If you're going after Moby-Dick, bring along the tartar sauce."

So I'm hoping that we meet up Tuesday night. If that one also falls through, I think I'll have to say something. I'm sort of anticipating that it'll be another non-happening. But she's supposedly planning on it and it's supposedly a "good" night for us to meet up, so hope isn't dead. Yet.

I guess I was a spaz and an idiot this week, but it may not have been as ill-founded as I thought. It may be that we only get to meet up once a week or so. Slow but ongoing? *shrug* Time will tell.

I have this thing where if I want something bad enough, I'll find a way. I'll make time for it. I'll do it and not look back. I'm not sure how other people don't play by the same rules. But then maybe she really doesn't have any more time for me right now. Patience. Patience. *sigh* Patience.

ADDENDUM: Forgot to mention that I briefly met up with movie.girl on Saturday as she was passing nearby. Very brief lunch.

Incidentally, I'm more maudlin tonight. Probably a little down from the non-meet up. And a little tired. And a little not looking forward to another work week. And a little bleh. For whatever reason, Sundays engender introspection for me. Not always a good thing, particularly since the future looks rather uncertain these days.

I think I also forgot to mention that sometime this week, in speaking with our accountant (a very helpful cousin of ours), my mom was told that selling the house is not a great idea nowadays. As long as I keep living at home and cutting my mom a check every month, she can afford the house and wait things out. Provides a disincentive for me to move out - as though I needed one. So I still live at home.

Yeah, I better stop this. It's going down when it should not. Time for some light reading before bed, methinks. [9:47 PM]

It's official.

2008-04-06T01:15:00.000-04:00

I'm an idiot. (Or a spaz, take your pick.)

Yeah, nothing's wrong - it's all in my head. Saw her at boardgames tonight. We talked briefly afterwards (around midnight-ish) and then kissed in the parking lot of the comic store for a minute or two. We might do something tomorrow night but, if not, then on Tuesday night. We shall see. She was pretty sleep-deprived tonight from a late Friday night.

I'm wondering if she's not as bad at this thing as I am.

[INTERLUDE]

So, uhh... I was reading some of her blog archives and I saw mention of a myspace page. She doesn't update that either, not more than about once a month, at any rate. But it looks slightly more current than the other one.

ANYWAYS, it looks like my head was just a little off on this one. Time for some sleep, maybe work tomorrow. If I don't hear from her, I'm going to call her and suggest we meet up for something relaxing or low-key. Even if it's a short something, just.. something. Maybe to get a coffee and chill? I dunno. But something.

I think I may be learning that I have to take more of a charge in this thing. I haven't before, mostly because they just happened and I didn't really have to. But I may have to push this a bit. If her schedule is always crazy and insane, I may have to push for an attempt to better fit into it. Hmmm.

Sleep now-ish.

Two Phone Calls Later...

2008-04-04T21:19:00.000-04:00

So, ummm... I think I may be a bit of a spaz. (Just a bit.)

Spoke with boardgame.girl earlier tonight and we're doing something on Sunday. Don't know what or when, but something. We're going to hash out details tomorrow at the Saturday boardgaming.

I've had 2 phone calls with her so far and they've both been a little.. weird. First one was very abrupt. Second one was better but still.. odd. I really have no idea why. We did talk boardgames for +20 min. so it wasn't abrupt or mindless, per se. It just had a strange tone to it, perhaps? Very hard to describe.

Oh, I spoke with movie.girl right after and we're meeting up for lunch since she's passing nearby. Will make me a little late for my gaming, but eh. Haven't seen her in... a month or so?

Incidentally, I spoke with her earlier this week on Monday, as I drove to meet up with boardgame.girl. I also called her Monday night/Tuesday morning, all excited about kissing boardgame.girl. It's kind of funny, but she's a good friend... as long as we don't take a road trip in her car.

Bad week for work, but whatever. At some point, it'll get bad enough that I either leave or they let me go. Not there yet and I'm tempted to ride it as long as I can. They keep paying me, I'll keep showing up and try to fix things. In the meantime, I'll save up some money for when things do go South and complain unceasingly about my predicament. Sounds reasonable to me.

ANYWAYS. Lunch & lots of gaming tomorrow. Something with boardgame.girl on Sunday. Not too bad. Sounds like a fun weekend to me!

Too Much

2008-04-04T12:53:00.000-04:00

While in my Rusted Root groove, I'm currently listening to "Too Much" from Welcome To My Party.

Such an excellent song. Upbeat and medium tempo but very calming and relaxing:

love before
you sleep
let your mind believe
that we
can cope
with all life hands us
and breathe
in deep
the strength you need
to fill you up
and calm
your mind
just like
I keep telling you

it's too much thinking
it's too much worrying
rest your head aside me now
it's too much thinking
upon your shoulders
rest your worried soul
upon me now

Easily one of my favorites from Rusted Root. The song just helps me relax and calm down.

Rusted Root Mood

2008-04-04T11:08:00.000-04:00

It's rainy outside and I'm in a Rusted Root mood. Long ago, I saw them in concert at my college. Amazing performance! I remember the concert being very lively and knowing each and every song they played. Four encores. They were wonderful!

Before the concert, I sat down with my roommate and went through the Rusted Root music I had, guessing which songs would be played and giving him a general feel for the music. I was spot on in my predictions. I don't know how helpful it was for him or if he enjoyed the pre-show sampling, but I greatly appreciated the opportunity to share music with him. (Thank you, MaTT!)

Welcome to the Monkey House

2008-04-03T16:47:00.001-04:00

Taken from the title of a Vonnegut short story of the same name.

This morning: Meeting for us associates and the Jr. partner re workload update. I updated my tally. Managed to cross a few things off in the past 2 weeks. Also managed to add more items than I crossed off. Not good.

This afternoon: Cake and celebration of April birthdays, mine included. Cake is good. (The cake is a lie!)

Tonight: More boardgames but with a new group. It's an invite-only affair. I was invited by a guy I've met through other, open groups. Should be fun.

~//~//~//~

This morning's meeting was... not very peppy. Now, I know these meetings are to keep the Jr. partner appraised of where us associates are at and how we're doing managing our workload, but they're also depressing as Hell.

Afterwards, the Jr. partner stopped by my office and, separately, by a friendly co-worker's office. We were both informed that unless we stop spending time talking with one another and get caught up, one of us would be moved to the other hallway.

Yes, we talk too much. We have the same interests – sci fi, boardgames, books, graphic novels, movies, etc. We're friends. Heck, this is the guy who got me into boardgames in the first place. But we're also both in trouble at work and pretty not happy with the current workload. If there were ever a way to motivate us, that wasn't it. I swear that there's a way to say the same thing and have a similar effect but without making it highly negative.

Really brought down the mood. We pretty much didn't talk at lunch, either.

~//~//~//~

Thoughts:

Last night, in my various car-drivings, I pondered a scenario where I tell boardgame.girl that I found her blog. Reminded me of that class at the end of law school where the professor told the whole class about my blog (without identifying me or stating that it was a student's blog, though). I wonder if she would feel a similar initial rush of heart-stopping panic. Or maybe she'd be cooler with it than I was.

If/when (because it's more of a "when" than an "if," assuming things work out) I tell boardgame.girl that I found her blog, I would also tell her that I have a blog. I really am all about being forthright and honest with this gal. (Though I may delay said forthrightness a bit, for the blog revelation I mean.)

Today I'm also feeling more positive about the whole thing. Ironically, the renewed positivity appears to stem from the lack of communication. Funny but true.

I'm trying to figure out why I should call her tomorrow (on Friday). I would like to, if for no other reason than to provide some indication of my continuing interest, but I do need a reason for calling her... and I'm having trouble coming up with one. I know I'm going to see her on Saturday (or at least I know she's planning on coming to the Sat. boardgames), so there's little reason to call and attempt to plan something more at this time. Could just call to see how her week has been. Like I've said before, I'm rotten at this.

It's also easier to be positive about her since I'm fairly negative about work today. The two have no real connection, but it seems as though there is an inverse relation. If I'm worrying about work, I don't have much leftover worrying for the situation with her.

~//~//~//~

Apparently, some people think that I need a work dominatrix. I have no problem with this.

~//~//~//~

This afternoon's birthday celebration feels hollow. I'm not in a good mood. I'm not doing well at work. I'm just not at a place to enjoy cake this afternoon. Yet, I will try to act happy and smile and say "thank you" and feast on tasty, sugary goodness. I have no choice. I must. (It is a difficult burden.)

Sometimes someone at work will ask me how I'm doing. These days I usually reply with a monosyllabic grunt of some denomination that reflects the merest iota of my current state. Occasionally I'll also make a face in conjunction with said monosyllabic grunt. Surprisingly, this counts as a valid response to their question.

~//~//~//~

Filed a continuation that was sort of due today. (Filed it in lieu of a RCE at the 6 mo. date of a Final OA for which the Examiner has assured a Notice of Allowance that is "stuck in processing.")

*whew* That's a mouthful.

ANYWAYS, I skimmed over some advice and comments at my favorite dating blog and had two interesting thoughts. The first was that she could be waiting for me to call her (and possibly wondering why I haven't). The second was that she could just not want to go out with me and hasn't told me yet.

As to the first, her canceling Tuesday night runs slightly counter to that. Even so, she may very well have been too tired for anything that night. As to the second, ummm, how should I know? The lack of communication doesn't really weigh in for one side or the other, as far as I can tell.

That's one area that I've been horrible at interpreting before – when to pursue and when not and how to pursue. Occasionally it's very easy, other times it's rather difficult.

~//~//~//~

Bleh. I'll quote Eva here:

In the dating world where some of us feel that there are too few victories and high points and so many disappointments, I think that a great date does mean something, and I think it means something that doesn’t need to be dismissed even if the outcome isn’t what we desire. I think a great date means that two people, at the very least, have good manners. It means that they value making people feel good and they enjoy having a good time. It may even mean that two genuinely good people have had the opportunity to meet each other. I agree that what a great date doesn’t mean is that there is a mutual connection, a mutual desire for a second date or a long term relationship. It just means that two people shared a pleasant time together. How can that ever be a bad thing? I haven’t always felt this way, but I’m now thankful for a fun date even if I never see the guy again. I just know that one day when that fun date turns into something more, I’ll be ready for it.

*sigh*

~//~//~//~

And that was today's installment. Maybe I should call her tonight? And schedule is another "thing." I know she's working these days until 7-8pm, so I wouldn't call her cell until 8-ish. Sheesh.

If there isn't a big, blinking neon sign staring me in the face, I may be useless here. (And I may be useless, even if there is a big, blinking neon sign staring me in the face.)

I'll call her tomorrow night. Maybe. Yes. No. Maybe. Ugh.

Meandering Mind

2008-04-02T16:10:00.000-04:00

Boss stopped by my office this morning and gave me a mild rebuking. As such, and in response thereto, I am actually working a bit today. I think I respond better to sticks than carrots. Unfortunately, I cannot ask for, nor should I proactively seek, such motivating impetus from my employers.

~//~//~//~

Terribly bored while reading about power offsets and my brain suddenly jumps track, contemplating boardgame.girl, spinning into "Gee, I wonder what's going to happen." Part of me is anticipating "the worst," waiting for a Dear John e-mail from her. The extremely brief phone call last night did not provide much reassurance in combination with its negative.

Reminds me ever so briefly of the breakup with lawschool.girl, where I knew it was over at least 3 days before we met and declared it dead. I spent each of those nights at the local pub, drinking myself drunk with a different friend. The only good part concerning the intermediate period was that by the time I met up with her, I was ready to discuss the matter unemotionally.

I don't anticipate the same occurring here. I don't expect that things are already over before they've had a chance to begin. But I can't help but contemplate such. My mind naturally considers different viewpoints and potential directions for the future. Give me a scenario and I will instantly ponder the potential outcomes and choices available. My musings range from light to dark, though I tend to dwell on the dark more than the light, perhaps.

~//~//~//~

For what it's worth, most of the posts these days are written over a span of hours, hence their length and breadth (and randomness). The thoughts are in (general) sequential order.

~//~//~//~

I just realized that boardgame.girl could locate this blog without too much trouble. Tangentially, by way of a boardgame group's organizational website and the e-mail address I used there, she could arrive here.

Uh oh.

Ummm... well, if she does and I learn of it, so be it.

I just checked and, as far as I can tell, she hasn't found it yet. I'm going to blithely continue with my thoughts and descriptions, at least for the time being. I already would not reveal anything intimate or that I otherwise suspect she would not want to be revealed. If she arrives and finds my thoughts laid bare, whatever. I think I would share them with her regardless if she ever asked.

That's one thing. I've been more honest with her in the brief time I've known her than I am with most other people, including some friends. I haven't hidden anything or otherwise held back. I've been myself and I believe that's been a good thing.

~//~//~//~

I look at my cell phone to see if I've missed any calls or text messages, fold it up and put it away.

~//~//~//~

Have I mentioned before how I'm occasionally prone to such mood swings? High to low, low to high.

Instead of wondering and worrying, both activities which I often enjoy and pursue, I could chose to be positive and upbeat about the whole thing. I really could. This is where my suspicion of negative/darker tendencies may bear out.

~//~//~//~

I am having a terribly difficult time finishing up these stupid claim amendments. I really, really find the instant work to be boring. My brain hurts from the inanity. I'm trying to finish it, to just do the work, but it's painful.

Don't surf boardgamegeek. Don't check your e-mail again. Don't click over to another website and see if there are new replies. Stop typing this post. Go. Do. Your. Work.

~//~//~//~

Finished it. Sent the e-mail. *whew*

~//~//~//~

About 10-20 min. ago, I had a flash of insight. I thought: "Well, if there's a chance for boardgame.girl to find my blog in that manner, I wonder what I can find in reverse." Guess what -- I found her blog!

She hasn't been regularly posting there, at least in 2008, but I found it. Well, technically I found both her old blog and her current blog. I didn't go beyond the front page of either because I realized that, if she's anything like me, she has the capability of obtaining stats for her blog(s) and could potentially determine (for herself) that I found her blog(s).

That sounds a little hard to follow. Let me try again: If she were to check, and assuming she has similar capabilities as me, she can already determine that I found her blog (though said determination would involve a little digging on her part). So I don't want to dig around her blog more right now and make such discovery further evident or apparent.

But wow. Talk about putting your money where your mouth is. (I think that's the right expression?) My first reaction was literally: "Oh shit! There's a good chance she'll find my blog!" Followed by: "I better pull those posts I wrote and apologize for the editing." Then I thought: "But wait. In today's unpublished ravings, I wrote that I would be okay with her reading this. Am I? If so, the posts stay up."

And I am. I'm okay with it. I don't write anything here that I wouldn't otherwise want associated with me. That's my filter.

So I'm going to leave things where they lie. I'm a bit antsy about it, but if she finds this place, so be it. It should prove that I'm just as ~~crazy~~ human as she is (judging from some of her old posts, hehe).

But wow. That's an unexpected jolt of reality and perspective. Must remember for the future. I write things and people can read them. It's easy to forget how ubiquitous the Internet has become and how everything is interconnected. I assume certain people haven't read what I post here. I cannot safely make assumptions like that, certainly not with anyone intelligent and/or computer-savvy (both of which, ostensibly, boardgame.girl is, not to mention cute, witty and charming -- just to cover my bases in case she reads this).

Wow.

==END TRANSMISSION==

Non-happening?

2008-04-01T22:06:00.000-04:00

So boardgame.girl called me at 7:45pm, when she got out of her meeting. She's tired so no meeting up tonight. We'll talk later this week. She'll be at the Saturday gaming.

This is where my insanity starts to shine. See, paranoia is wont to set in with thoughts like "maybe something's wrong" or "maybe she doesn't want to see me" or "this thing's already gone South."

I got her call while I was sitting in a Starbucks, drinking coffee and reading a book, waiting for her to call. Those were my first thoughts. Shit. Is this non-thing already a non-happening?

But then, as I drove home by way of the mall (had to snag Sweeney Todd, which came out today), I thought to myself: "Wait just a second. She was into me last night. I know that. From the conversation, her body language, her smile. I have no regrets about anything I said or did last night. I went for it and it worked." I smiled to myself. "Even if this did go South, I did nothing wrong and I have no regrets." If anything is wrong, it's on her end.

Maybe she's just tired. I certainly am. It's been 4 nights in a row of minimal sleep (5-6 hours per night). Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Get some sleep. Let this marinate. The ball is in her court. I know what I want here. I may not know where my career is going, but I know what I want here. With no reservations, few if any doubts, I know.

I also know that some of the above sounds like transference - "it's not me, it's her" - but I honestly believe that. I'm game for this. For the first time in a long time, I'm ready.

That's something else. It happened with the lawschoolgirl (whom I briefly dated for 5-6 weeks during my second year of law school) - I tumbled fast and was too insistent, too ready. If and when I fall, I fall. No pause, no parachute, I fall. With lawschoolgirl, it was.. too much for her. I was ready to spend time with her, to make it something immediately, and she wasn't. Not at all. She needed her space and I could not brook that.

I don't think that's a big issue here. There's lots of space. But then again, tonight would have been the third night in a row. (It sort of just happened like that.) I dunno.

So we'll see what happens. I have gaming on Wednesday and Thursday, and I believe she has meetings or some such those nights. I'll either wait for her to call or I'll call her on Friday, see how her week went? I dunno. I'm bad at starts and I'm even worse at the middlings, the indeterminate periods. Ah Hell, I'm bad at all of this crap. We shall see what we shall see.

How Do I Fix My Head OR Reality is relative. (Who Will Save Us Now)

2008-04-01T14:01:00.001-04:00

Was listening to the album 'The Needles The Space' from Straylight Run. Loving it as always.

Head's a little wonky from last night. A bit tired. We had some Korean attorneys visiting today, an unusual occurrence.

Happy April Fool's Day!

More Notes

2008-04-01T14:00:00.000-04:00

Re: last night

It was very lightly drizzling out. Around 12:20 am-ish. The world collapsed to the moment. Lasted around 15-30 sec. or so? (Not that brief.) After, looked at each other and said "goodnight."

When I said what I did, she was taken completely off guard. Surprise evident on her face. Closely (only a second or two?) followed by a "yes," after which we approached each other.

In 21, there's a scene where, sitting next to Kate Bosworth on the subway (Boston), the main character (Jim Sturgess) leans in to kiss her and she's surprised, taken back and declines. With that in mind (for some reason), I didn't want to just try the "lean in" at her door. Not sure I like that technique (a la Hitch) nor did I want to put her in that position (per se). So I went for courage instead. Not sure where I found the courage. I just sort of blurted it out when we had nothing left to say to each other.

But it worked. It was weird and brave, and unusual I think, but it worked. She knows I can be very random. Around her, I tend to be wry and witty and observationally random. Sometimes she chimes in, sometimes she laughs.

The signs. We were chatting a little outside her building while it very lightly drizzled (a bit more than misting). She didn't make a quick move to go in. She paused, first to talk and then at the brief pause that I jumped on. Had her keys in hand. But paused. Not sure what she was expecting me to do, if anything. Maybe.. well, maybe she was consciously or unconsciously creating an opportunity for me, e.g., for a "lean in" or for something akin to what I said? But she was visibly surprised. Hmmm.

The lead up was me driving us back to her apt. I did a u-turn and pulled up at the curb in front of her door (maybe 10' from her door). I said that I'd walk her to her door and turned off the car. (She made some comment about getting mugged or such in the distance from the car to her door.) She must have known that I would "try" something. Maybe that was why she paused? Not expecting me to do what I did exactly, but knew I would do something?

I'm in like at the moment. Not obsessing. Not imagining. One interesting point is that her location is very fluid. Come July, she's moving to MA for a production. Thereafter her whereabouts are currently unknown. She has choices, including Indiana and Stamford, so she may or may not come back to the area. Undecided as yet. She's been very up front about that and the fact that she moves around a lot, from theatre to theatre, show to show. The Stamford gig was relatively longer, lasting about a year. Me, I'm just taking this as it goes. We'll see what happens in the future, but I'm not worrying about it yet.

Was questioning whether to post this publicly or leave as a draft (such that it would be unavailable to the public but I could read it). Decided to post publicly. Will not remain as the top post on the page. I think the above comments are interesting and lay out more context for things. Not terribly dangerous. Private but not inherently so and not really telling of much beyond my impressions. If things progress further, you can expect such to not be detailed here.

Woot!

2008-04-01T01:08:00.000-04:00

Met up with boardgame.girl tonight. Food + much conversation followed by a movie (21). Afterwards, dro--oh Hell, we kissed! (Yay!) At her door (walked her to it), after some chatting. I was all suave with "So is this the part where I get to kiss you?" Caught her off guard (completely), but I was confident I was reading the signs correctly (thank you Hitch). She said "yes" and then we kissed. A goodnight kiss but not a peck. Not nothing but something.

She's going to call me tomorrow night when she's done with her meeting. Tentative plan to meet up for boardgames.

I really need to watch expenditures with her, though. She says and is a starving artist. I covered most of tonight's expenses (food, drinks at movie theater) and let her get the tickets (she offered), but I realized afterwards comparatively how much that cost her. That was why I offered boardgames for tomorrow - no expense. Can't go out every time. Fortunately we can play games.

And kiss! Incidentally, that would be my first kiss in.. over 4 years? Yeah.

Oh, in our dinner conversation I told her that I live at home and why. It felt like the right time and I wanted her to know that before anything happened. Friends have told me to get the girl to fall for me before I tell her and, well, I think this was pretty close to that.

Is it a bit sad that I'm blogging this before I go to sleep? Don't answer that.

Yay! And that's all I have to say about that.

Long Weekend

2008-03-31T16:44:00.000-04:00

Had a fun weekend chock full of board games.

[Incidentally, and ostensibly, as per the wonderful world of Google, the word(s) "board game" are not, in fact, usable as "boardgame," contrary to my usage to date. Mildly annoying since, in my exceedingly humble opinion, the word(s) "boardgame"/"board game" could be interpreted as a compound word or as an adjective and noun. I think I shall retain my usage in the face of... ummm... idiocy?]

Friday, I hit ConnCon and played until 1:30am. Taught Glory to Rome to one player that afternoon. I was back on Saturday at 11am and played 'til 1:30am, talking with the ConnectiCon guy until 2:30am. Back on Sunday at 10:30am, played until 7pm (with +1 hour break for the closing ceremony).

Afterwards on Sunday, I hung out with boardgame.girl at her apartment. We played 2 games and spent about an hour just talking. Made plans to meet up tonight and tomorrow night.

Before this weekend, my week looked fairly clear with only my weekly Wednesday RPG. Now, I'm seeing boardgame.girl on Monday and Tuesday and I was invited to a smaller Thursday boardgame group. Busy, busy, busy.

On top of that, I didn't feel too well this morning. Only 5.5-6 hours of sleep each night for the past 3 nights plus questionable and intermittent eating this weekend. I suspect I'll be fine once I have some real-ish food in me (i.e., after lunch, I hope). [After lunch, I do feel a bit better. Still tired and yawning, but better.]

I'm looking forward to tonight. We're planning on getting some food. Beyond that, could be more games, could be a movie, who knows! I'm getting a good vibe from her. It seems like we both like hanging out together – playing games and talking. She laughs at my jokes, I laugh at hers, etc.

My problem now, at this juncture, is what to do next. I hate all the metagaming and how slow these things go, but then I inevitably screw it up in some fashion, even if only by underestimating how fast I should go. Which invariably leads to me questioning my instincts and/or the questions themselves. The ensuing self-doubt and lack of confidence reinforces all of the previous. It's a vicious cycle that's taken years to perfect and, in fact, constitutes a metagame within the metagame.

Don't ask me to even attempt an explanation/translation of that last sentence.

So I suppose we'll see what happens. How I feel, how she acts, what we do, what transpires, the metagame within the metagame. I'm game.

Hmmm. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting her body language and nonverbal signals. Or perhaps I'm not. Is there a "good" way to decisively learn? I keep forgetting to try some mirroring, though I suspect I do some unconsciously, regardless. Man, I stink at this, largely due to inexperience, I think.

In any case, further updates as events warrant.

Friday Woots

2008-03-28T13:18:00.001-04:00

I am in a good mood today!

Leaving work a little early for ConnCon. Teaching one game, playing others. Boardgame.girl will be there later on.

Got a decent night sleep and feel somewhat better for it. (Wednesday night was relatively late, on top of Thursday's non-earliness.)

Heck, I even said "Have a nice day." to the cute girl who works on my floor. (Occasionally see her around, never said anything to her. She looks Russian/Eastern European and has an accent.)

Nothing super-critical is due today at work (afaik).

I may have a slight overdose of caffeine right now (I get twitchy and my hands shake a bit), but I'm sure lunch will fix that (food or non-coffee drink usually does).

I'm really in a good mood. Let's see if it lasts.

Saturday

2008-03-23T13:37:00.000-04:00

Hung out with some law school friends at an annual Holy Saturday fest that a family has. I could explain that better but I won't. Had a great time. Always fun to see friends. Afterwards, went to Greenwich and hung out with some of them a bit more.

It's a little funny. I don't hang out with any of them on a regular basis - 2 couples because they live a distance from the area. 1 couple, well, there's no good reason since they only live about 25 min. away from me. Have to try and meet up with them in a week or two.

Side note - J recommended that I ask boardgame.girl out bowling rather than to dinner. Sounds like good advice to me. More casual, more relaxed, more in line with the boardgame playing to date. I think I'll take his advice and try it.

Most/all business are closed today. I'm at work right now, hoping to get 1 item done. At least I have some frozen meals here. No one else is here. I like coming in to work on Christian holidays.

It's a small pet peeve of mine that the U.S. celebrates some Christian holidays as national holidays, but no holidays of other religions or faiths. I realize some of that is because there are so many Christians that the business would effectively be closed anyways, but it just doesn't feel right to me, and certainly doesn't feel like a separation of church & state. (For a broad reading of the term, perhaps.)

In any case, I like coming into work on Dec. 24 or such. I feel empowered. Plus, I feel like it helps balance for the occasional day I take for a Jewish holiday. I don't take them often, and most of the time it's more like a Saturday/Sunday that I don't come into work for, but it's a working theory.

Well, time for me to eat or work or do something else.

Last Night

2008-03-22T13:43:00.000-04:00

..was a late night.

Met up with boardgame.girl about 10:45 at a localish coffee place. We played 2 games there, until midnight when it closed. I followed her to her apartment, where we resumed boardgame playing. In total, 3 games of Race, 1 Blue Moon City, 1/3 Galaxy Trucker and 1 Glory to Rome. I left at 4:45am. Like I said, a late night.

T'was a lot of fun! The part I particularly enjoyed was when we stopped playing Galaxy Trucker in the middle. I'd finished explaining the rules (took longer than I expected) when, for some reason, we didn't start playing. Instead, we got to talking - about books/authors, movies, theatre, etc. Learned a bit about each other. That part, which lasted quite a while, felt like a relaxed date. We share the same taste in books and movies, though she's more well-read than I am and I'm more well-watched (movie-wise, probably TV-wise too) than she is. It's fairly well balanced. We have many similar interests, similar tastes. It was pretty cool.

The only downside, and it's a minor one barring repetition, was that she kept receiving and answering texts on her phone. I haven't seen her do that at a boardgame meetup and she professed it was very unusual for her, so a minor thing.

I can also sense a small rift based on income. She's a starving artist, I'm a patent agent. I'll have to watch that - if/when we do go out, I'll have to try not to wine & dine too much. Make it more occasional, more low key. Ditto on purchases, or at least on relating all my procurements (which are more numerous than they should be). More and more, this is making me think that I have it really good with my job and income, much more so than I appreciate.

Quick note. This location seems to be more of a temporary gig for her. She tends to move around a lot, from theatre to theatre, as she has shows to do. This summer, she's going to be in MA. This upcoming week, she's on Long Island. Her current show in Fairfield County is ending at the end of March, which means she'll have more free time coming up, at least in early April (rehearsal schedule instead of show schedule - means free nights instead of free days). This also means I won't see her again until next Friday, boardgaming at ConnCon.

So my current "plan" (as it were) is to send her an e-mail about what movies she'd like to borrow from me and plan on seeing her on Friday night. At that time, ask her if she's coming back to the Con on Sat. or Sun. When I do see her that last day/night (or maybe before), ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner some night in the first week of April (possibly stating "on me" or "my treat" or such). I don't have a restaurant in mind, maybe I'll think about possibilities this week, have some options going in. Hopefully she says yes and we go from there.

Incidentally, haven't told her yet about my living situation. That will come, at some point.

I know what I'm about to write next doesn't really mean anything because until she says yes to a real date there's no hard evidence, but I'm going to write it anyways. Why? Maybe because I'm hopeful. Maybe because I like to remain optimistic. Maybe because.. I really don't know for sure and I want to grasp and hold onto any shreds of alleged evidence, real or imagined. Besides, it keeps with my regular pattern for how these things go.

Good signs: Exchanging phone numbers. Agreeing to meet up (just us) for boardgaming. Meeting up for boardgaming rather spontaneously. Going to her apartment at midnight to continue the games. Talking for a bit without boardgaming. Similar interests and tastes, including sense of humor.

So we'll see what happens. Stay tuned, intrepid readers, when next week we discover if she'll *gasp* go out on a date with me! (Keep your fingers crossed!)